Nightmare Troubadour: Abridged
by NazoFox2501
Summary: The story of the video game "Yu-Gi-Oh! Nightmare Troubadour", staring the Abridged cast...and some original character named Johann.
1. Part 1: They Call me Johann

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Yu-Gi-Oh!", "Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series", or "Yu-Gi-Oh! Nightmare Troubadour". That in itself is a mouthful, so I'll only say it that one time.**

**Currently playing through "Yu-Gi-Oh! Nightmare Troubadour" for the first time, and after reading on ahead (yeah, I spoil myself), I figured this would be great if it crossed over with "The Abridged Series". Of course, I wish I could draw this out as a comic, but as my drawing skills aren't all that great, I have to settle with writing it.**

**Warning: This work contains an original character, popular culture references, running gags, moments that greatly break away from the original game, and overall silliness.**

* * *

-KaibaCorp Computer Room-

Seto Kaiba walked into the room, not looking particularly happy. He glanced around and saw the computer technicians at work, with Mokuba standing around doing nothing.

"Alright," Kaiba glared, "there better be a good reason for calling me in here."

"Seto," Mokuba spoke up, "there's something wrong with the computer servers!"

"Okay, which one of you idiots decided to look up porn _again_? Was it you, Johnny?"

"Not this time, sir!" One of the technicians answered. "We don't know what's causing this."

"You don't know? What am I paying you minimum wage for?"

"Yeah!" Mokuba said. "Today's the first day of another one of big bro's tournaments, and we don't want-."

"Shut up, Mokuba."

"Um…" The technicians stopped their work. "Sir? It seems the computer fixed itself."

"Well," Kaiba turned to leave, "it looks like the computer is better at your jobs than you are. You're all fired."

* * *

-A dream-

_Johaaaaaaaaann._

"What?"

_What power do you desire?_

A: Sword

B: Shield

C: Knowledge

"What kind of answers are those?"

_Just pick one._

"…Right, knowledge, 'cause 'knowledge is power'."

_What is your dream?_

A: Spellcaster

B: Soldier

C: Scholar

"None of those are my dreams! I really want to be an artist."

_*sigh* Look, just pick one so we can get this over with._

"Fine, fine, spellcaster sounds kind of cool."

_Finally, what will you test of yourself?_

A: My intuition

B: My destiny

C: My soul

"Is this really the last question?"

_Yes, yes it is._

"Destiny, then."

_Very well, here are your results: you are…_

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann woke up to the sound of his alarm going off. He sat up and switched it off before the impulse to smash it came over him. He raked his hand through his short, red, and slightly spikey hair and thought about the dream. He yawned before he spoke to himself.

"Man, that was a weird dream. That's the last time I sleep with trading cards under my pillow. Oh, speaking of…"

Johann reached under his pillow and pulled out his entire deck. He glanced through his cards, which he got from booster packs months ago. He had started Duel Monsters a short while back, and he quite enjoyed playing with the other kids at school. Come summer break, he found out that Seto Kaiba was holding a tournament, and he decided to give it a shot.

"Today's the big day. I better get going!"

Johann got out of bed and got dressed. After a quick breakfast, he set out to the KC game store on his bicycle.

* * *

-KC Games-

When he arrived, he noticed that there was a different store clerk. He was an old man with gray hair and a short, gray beard.

"Hello." He greeted cheerfully.

"Hi." Johann said. "You're not the usual clerk."

"Ah, so you're a regular here. My name is Solomon Muto, but everyone calls me 'Grandpa'. The clerk here is a friend of mine, and he went on vacation. Because no one visits my shop anyway, I decided to look after this one while he's out. I can't believe he left me here all alone, left to fend off the wolves, it's like he _wants_ me to die, not that I mind, though, it's just that I wanted to participate in the tournament too, but _nooooo_…"

"Uhh…"

"Oh, sorry, I was rambling again. Anyways, you're here because you're a duelist wanting to enter the tournament, right?"

"…Yes."

"Thought so. I may be old, but I haven't gone senile yet. Anyways, here's an entry form for you to fill out."

Grandpa pulled out a sheet of paper. Johann took it and looked it over. He frowned.

"Um," he said, handing the paper back, "this is your will."

"Huh?" Grandpa looked at the paper. He rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "Whoops, my bad. Here's the real entry form."

He pulled out another sheet of paper. Johann blinked at what he saw.

He asked slowly, "Why do you have a picture of a naked Dark Magician Girl?"

"Oops~!" Grandpa blushed and snatched the picture. "Wrong again. _Here's_ the entry form!"

_Dirty old man…_ Johann thought.

Indeed, the paper Grandpa pulled out this time was the real tournament entry form. Johann took a nearby pen and filled out the information, muttering to himself as he did.

"Name, Ste-Johann Bocks. Preferred to be called 'Johann". Short hair…lives at Domino…wants to go to…Akihabara…address…cell phone number…email…yes, I'm a current subscriber to KaibaCorp's newsletter…no, I don't like card games on motorcycles…"

When Johann was done, he handed the form back to Grandpa. The old clerk pulled out another sheet of paper and read from it.

"Let's see here: 'By completing this entry form, you are now part of the Beginner's Cup. By participating in this tournament, you are also registered in the KaibaCorp Duelist Network. You will receive email with tournament information and alerts. You also given a KaibaCorp Duel Disk for the duration of the tournament.' Ah, let me get that out now."

Grandpa ducked behind the counter and came back up with a box. He opened it up and pulled out a brand new Duel Disk. Johann took it and stared at it in awe. He had seen some people duel with these things before, and it amazed him how the technology worked.

"'This is the newest model that comes with a Duelist Radar.'" Grandpa continued reading. "'Register your personal information as soon as you can. Warranty: should you lose or damage the KaibaCorp Duel Disk' blah, blah, blah '$50,000 fine' blah, blah, blah. Just don't lose or damage the thing, alright?"

"Yeah, got it." Johann gave a single nod.

"I swear, I'm too old to keep up with all this new stuff. You young people and your email, and your Internet, and your Duel Disks, and your i-whatchamacallits, and your music, and your pierced bellybuttons, and your miniskirts, and your leather pants, and your phones, and your-."

"Uh, thanks for the Duel Disk." Johann said as he inched his way towards the exit.

"Oh, and don't forget to go to the opening ceremony!"

* * *

-KaibaCorp Duelist Arena-

The stands of the arena was close to crowded. All around, there were kids, teens, and a few adults chatting with one another, obviously excited for what was to come. A man wearing a black suit and black sunglasses stepped up to the arena with a microphone in hand. The crowd slowly became silent.

"Beginner duelists from around the country, welcome!" The man announced with a German accent. "Unfortunately, Herr Kaiba is unable to attend today, but he has a special announcement for everyone. He says: 'I have no time for all of you loser chumps, so if you want to make the finals and face me, duel! Duel like you have no other purpose in life!' Great words from a great man. Heil Kaiba!"

A few people in the crowd murmured to one another.

"I'm going to face Kaiba for sure!"

"What's up that guy's ass?"

"I heard his ego is as big as a pregnant Jupiter."

"Maybe I'll face the great Yugi!"

The German announcer spoke up again, "The Beginner's Cup will last until the plot decides to move along. Every time you duel, you get KaibaCorp points, or KC points for short. Use these points to buy booster packs at the game shops in Domino, so no, you don't have to worry about spending money. The top duelist will win an extravagant prize and the chance to move on to the Expert Cup! That's about it for the rules. As of this moment, the Beginner's Cup starts…_NOW_!"

Everyone scrambled out of the building. Johann was just as excited as everyone else about this tournament. He may have only been playing for a few months, but he was confident that he was going to win.

"Okay," Johann said to himself as he booted up the radar on his Duel Disk, "look out world, here comes Johann Bocks!"

An error message appeared on the screen of the Duel Disk, reading: USER REGISTRATION NOT COMPLETE.

"Oh…forgot about that."

* * *

**Well, that's it for the first chapter. Keep in mind I won't have a regular updating schedule (college and all that), but I'll write when I can.**

"…and your watches, and your late updates, and your pizzas, and your reproductive organs…"


	2. Part 2: The Weakest Links

**Warning: this chapter, and all chapters afterwards, have duel scenes with time skips. Writing fight scenes is hard, but card games are worse!**

* * *

-Streets of Domino-

"The Duelist Radar said that someone was around here," Johann said to himself as he rode his bicycle, "but I don't see anyone…oh wait, there's someone."

Up ahead was a girl with brown hair and wearing a school uniform. She was constantly moving her head to look around, as if she were looking for something, or someone, in particular. The Duel Disk on her arm confirmed that she was a duelist. When she spotted Johann, she ran up to him and asked, "Will you please duel me?"

Johann stopped and got off his bike. He said, "Sure."

"Oh thank _God_!" The girl looked relieved. "Every person that I came across didn't want to duel me. I'm Tea by the way. Say, what do you think about friendship?"

"What?"

"_Friendship_." She annunciated. "What do you think of it?"

"Uh…it's good, I guess."

"Do you believe in the power of friendship?"

"I never really thought-."

"Will you be my friend?"

"But we just-."

"Isn't friendship the greatest thing ever?"

"Jeez, will you just shut up for a minute?!"

Tea fell silent for a moment, then, "Are you saying…you don't believe in friendship?"

"Not with the way you're preaching, no!"

"Duel me, nonbeliever!"

_No wonder no one wants to duel her_, Johann thought as he shuffled his deck. Both duelists activated their Duel Disks and took their dueling stances.

"Duel!"

Starter Deck vs Friendship!

"Wait, what was that?" Johann asked.

"Our deck names, duh," Tea said, "and judging by the name 'Starter Deck', you haven't even given your deck a decent name!"

"Deck names? Okay, one: who bothers to name their decks? Two: why would you name your deck 'Friendship!'?"

"One: it was in the email that Kaiba sent out a few minutes ago. Naming your deck helps to identify you as a duelist. Two: because _friendship_!"

"Let's just get this over with. Your move."

"With pleasure!" Tea started placing cards on the duel disk. "I play 'Rain of Mercy', granting us 1000 Life Points each. Next, I play 'Twilight Sparkle' in attack mode."

["My Little Pony" theme plays as Twilight Sparkle (1200/1000) gets summoned.]

"By playing 'Twilight Sparkle', I can summon another pony from my deck, and I choose 'Pinkie Pie'!"

[Pinkie Pie (900/1400) is summoned.]

"And I end my turn."

[Theme ends.]

Johann stared at Tea and her summoned ponies and said, "Wow."

"Not bad, huh?" Tea smirked.

"Okay, one: why play a card that gives us both Life Points? Two: why the **** do you have ponies in your deck?"

"Well, one: because I was trying to be nice. Two: because _friendship_! With the power of friendship, I am unstoppable!"

* * *

-A few minutes later-

"Waaaaah!" Tea wailed as she dramatically dropped to her knees. "How can my friendship deck be beaten so easily? I didn't even get to damage your Life Points directly!"

"It's simple," Johann started to explain, "you have wimpy cards. Ponies aside, no one, I repeat, _no one_, puts Mokey Mokey in their deck. It's like you deliberately put the worst cards found in booster packs in your deck. I'm outta here."

Johann got on his bike and pedaled away.

"I'm telling Yugi!" Tea bawled at him.

* * *

-Another street in Domino-

As he rode his bike, Johann looked at the Duelist Radar on his Duel Disk. He said, "Somehow, I'm able to look at this radar while pedaling. This is just as bad as talking on the cellphone while driving, but I don't think that anything bad-."

"Aaaaaaahhhh!"

The next thing Johann saw was a boy with spikey black hair. As the boy ran out of the way, Johann swerved and fell off his bike. As he got up, he heard the kid shout, "Watch it you jerk!"

"Yeah, bad idea." Johann said this more to himself than to the kid. When he looked at the kid, for some strange reason, he had the urge to yell "shut up" at him. He noticed that he had a Duel Disk and he asked, "Want to duel?"

"You almost ran me over and you're asking me to _duel_?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. My name is Mokuba, Seto's little brother."

"Kaiba has a brother?"

"Of course he does! I may not be in the tournament, but I'll show you just how great of a duelist I am!"

* * *

-A few minutes later-

"Waaaaah!" Mokuba wailed as he dramatically dropped to his knees. "I can't believe you beat me! Seto was right: I'm the worst duelist in the world!"

"Well, to be fair, those koalas did a fair bit of damage." Johann admitted. "Besides, I've already faced duelists worse than you."

"Wait, I'm _not_ the worst duelist in the world?" Mokuba immediately cheered up as he got back on his feet. "Wait till I tell my big brother!"

With a smile on his face, Mokuba ran off. Johann turned his attention to the radar and asked himself, "Okay, where to now?"

* * *

-The park-

Yugi was sitting on a swing with a cheeseburger in his hand. After defeating several duelists, he decided to take a break and have lunch at the park. With everyone caught up in the tournament, he was sure no one would bother him here.

"Yugi!"

Just as he was about to take a bite out of his burger, he heard a familiar voice call out to him. He raised his head and saw Tea running towards his direction. Staying seated, he asked, "What is it, Tea?"

"Some friendship-hating jerk beat me at a children's card game!"

"And you're telling me this…why?"

"Yugi, tell me: is my deck wimpy?"

"Well, let me have a look at it."

Yugi set the burger on his lap while Tea took out her deck. After a minute of looking through her cards, he said, "Ah ha ha ha…heh, I hate to tell you this, but your cards suck."

"They do? Why?"

In his head, Yugi heard the voice of his Yami say, _What's wrong with your deck, you ask? Let me count the ways…_

Trying to ignore him, Yugi tried to be nice, "Well, take out this Mokey Mokey, for one thing…"

_And get rid of those damn ponies, for Ra's sake!_

"You're also going to need a few more powerful cards…"

"What about the power of friendship?" Tea asked.

_Oh "ha ha ha"._

"What?"

"Do I need to put more faith in the power of friendship?"

_Oh gods, she's serious about this._

"Well, you can believe in the Heart of the Cards, but it can only take you so far…"

Just then, there was a beep from both their Duel Disks. They both checked the radars on them.

"Yugi!" Tea exclaimed. "A duelist is coming this way!"

"Yeah, Tea, I can see that." Yugi said with sarcasm in his voice.

They both looked up when they heard footsteps approach them. Walking towards them was a teen with short red hair. Tea pointed at him and said, "He's the one who beat me!"

The boy looked at Yugi and said, "I recognize that crazy hair. You're Yugi, the King of Games, aren't you?"

"Okay," Yugi started, "I know what you want, but I just got here with a cheeseburger. Can you at least wait until I finish eating before we duel?"

"Alright."

* * *

-One cheeseburger (with introductions) later-

Johann was both excited and nervous to be dueling Yugi. To think he would be dueling against the King of Games himself! He could barely contain himself.

"Oh boy," Johann said as he got into his dueling stance, "I can't believe I'm actually dueling Yugi."

"Kick his ass for me, Yugi!" Tea cheered from the sidelines.

"You ready to do this, Johann?" Yugi asked.

"Duel!"

Starter Deck vs Baby Panda

"Don't know what's with the 'Baby Panda', but okay." Johann shrugged. "I'll start this off by summoning 'Baron of the Fiend Sword' in attack mode."

[Baron (1550/800) is summoned.]

"Well, I'll just place this monster face down, then." Yugi said.

"And I'll attack it."

[Monster is revealed to be Mystical Elf (800/2000). Johann loses 450 LP.]

"Dang it." Johann muttered.

"Gets them every time." Yugi smirked. "I'm going to win the duel at this rate."

* * *

-A few minutes later-

"Waaaaah!" Yugi wailed as he dramatically dropped to his knees. "I thought I had you!"

"No!" Tea exclaimed. "How could Yugi lose?"

"I won," Johann said, "but I thought your deck was a lot better than this?"

Yugi dropped the overdramatic act and stood up. He explained, "Well, truth be told, I was using a weaker deck on purpose. Seriously, if I had my good deck, I would have wiped the floor with your butt. Still, even with this deck, you're the only one who has beaten me so far, and that goes to show how wimpy the other players are."

"Hey!" Tea snapped.

"Okay," Johann started, "with you having said that, I feel cheated out of my victory now. Next time we meet, use your good deck."

"You sure about that?"

"It won't feel right unless I beat you at your full strength."

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Hearing these parting words, Johann walked over to his bike, which he left leaning against a lamp pole, and pedaled off. Tea turned to Yugi and asked, "Say, Yugi, why _are_ you using a weaker deck?"

"It's all part of my strategy, Tea." Yugi explained. "I want to raise these rookies' hopes up before I absolutely obliterate them in the finals."

"Yugi, that sounds evil. Is that _really_ your strategy?"

"Well, it's the Pharaoh's, actually. After all, since I'm the main character, we can't let some nobodies win the tournament, can we?"

* * *

**Tune in for the next chapter.**

**Mokey Mokey (300/100) really is a worthless card, but it would make a good coaster for my drink.**

"Hey big brother," Mokuba called out as he entered Kaiba's office, "guess what: I'm not the worst duelist in the world anymore!"

Without looking away from his computer, Kaiba said with doubt, "Really."

"Yeah! You see, I can be a good duelist after-."

"Shut up, Mokuba, I'm busy trying to find the jerk who made that lame 'pregnant Jupiter' comparison to my ego in the last chapter."


	3. Part 3: Graveyard Shift

**Warning: after receiving two messages from different readers, I did some looking up and found out that Mokey Mokey can actually be a threat under certain circumstances…and cards. This is probably going to bite me and Johann in the ass later on.**

* * *

-Konami Mountain-

After lunch, a rest, and time buying booster packs to further better his deck, Johann was back on his bike and continuing the search for duelists. He had picked up a reading on Konami Mountain just a few minutes ago. Part of him wondered why someone would be all the way over there, but another part of him thought that he was getting good exercise out of this.

When he reached the viewing platform on the mountain, he found that only one other person was there. Gazing at the city below was a teen with long white hair. Around his neck was an odd looking gold necklace: a triangle within a ring with five pointed spokes. To make things stranger, the spokes were glowing and pointing right at Johann.

The teen looked at Johann and a frown appeared on his face. He said in a British accent, "Oh no, not again. Why can't you blokes just leave me alone?"

"Excuse me?" Johann asked.

"You're not here to rape me, are you?"

"What? No! Why would I do that?!"

"Well, most people my Gaydar picks up try to rape me because I'm so bloody effeminate."

"Your…Gaydar?"

"Yes. It was something my father installed in my Millennium Ring to protect me from any gay guys that would want me."

"Well, you're kind of cute-." The words slipped out of his mouth. He smacked his hands over his mouth before saying, "but that doesn't mean I want to rape you."

"Cute?! So you really are-!"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"No!" The teen took a step back. "I'm not gay; I'm just British!"

"A-anyways, I'm here because my radar picked up a signal here."

"You also have a Gaydar?"

"No! I'm talking about the Duel Radar! You have a Duel Disk, so you must be a duelist as well."

"Oh, yes, that." The teen rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "Yes, we can have a duel, if you want."

"Let's. I'm Johann."

"And I'm Ryo Bakura, but everyone calls me 'Bakura'. I've been working on my occult deck for some time, and I've been looking forward to testing it out. Go easy on me, alright?"

"No promises."

"Duel!"

Starter Deck vs Demon Deck

"You're serious about this 'occult deck' getup?" Johann couldn't help but ask.

"Yes," Bakura nodded, "the occult quite fascinates me. Would you like to go first?"

"Sure thing. I'll start off by…uh…"

Truth be told, Johann had drawn a bad hand, his cards consisting of spells, traps, and powerful monsters he couldn't summon without tribute.

"I'll just place two cards face down and end my turn."

"Bad hand?" Bakura asked as he drew a card. "Then I guess I'll summon 'Armored Zombie' in attack mode and attack directly."

[Armored Zombie (1500/0) comes into play. It deals 1500 points of damage to Johann's LP.]

"Then I'll place a card face down and end my turn."

Johann drew a card, hoping it would be a low level monster. It was not.

_You've got to be kidding me!_

"Pass." He said, already bracing himself for the worst.

* * *

-A few turns later-

"Finally!" Johann exclaimed as he finally drew a low level monster card.

His life points were down to 3200 at this point, and he was up against three monsters. He had managed to stall Bakura a bit with his trap cards, and now he can bring something out.

"I summon 'Neo the Magic Swordsman' in attack mode!"

[Neo (1700/1000) comes into play and destroys Armored Zombie. Bakura loses 200 LP.]

"Before you end your turn," Bakura said, "I play the magic card 'Ectoplasmer'. At the end of each of our turns, we have to sacrifice one face up monster. Doing so will do damage to the opponent by half of its ATK power."

_So I have to sacrifice my only monster, _Johann thought. _This is gonna suck…_

"I…end my turn." Johann lowered his head.

* * *

-A few more turns later-

"Wow." Bakura said with a smile. "I actually won. That was a good match, Johann."

"I had a bad start," Johann explained, "and you got me with that 'Ectoplasmer'. If only I had drawn the 'Armed Ninja' sooner…"

"Well, we can't win them all."

"Bakura, why are you so nice?"

"Hm?"

"I mean, everyone else I duel either acts like a baby or an asshole. If I had lost to anyone else, they would have been gloating in my face."

"Well, I believe that everyone should be a good sport when it comes to games…which is probably why no one wants me as a friend. Heck, even the 'friends' I do have don't want to duel me."

"I can be your friend."

"Really? But I don't think…" Bakura's voice trailed off.

"Don't think what?"

"I mean, sure, why not?" Bakura smiled. He started to walk off. When their backs were to each other, he warned, "But I must tell you, I won't be as nice next time we duel."

"Huh?" Johann turned around.

"Cheerio."

With that said, Bakura walked away. Johann muttered to himself, "That was odd."

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann spent the evening eating store bought ramen while he looked over the new cards he bought. He mostly swapped out some of the weaker monsters for stronger ones. At one point, he looked out his window and saw the setting sun. He now wondered if there were going to be duelists out at night.

_Night dueling…_he thought. _This should be exciting._

So when he finished eating, he grabbed his Duel Disk and headed out once again.

* * *

-Graveyard-

As he followed the signal on his radar, Johann couldn't help but wonder why there would be a duelist at the graveyard, especially at night. He carefully glanced around, half-expecting something to jump out at him. When he saw that the signal was really close, he called out, "Okay, I know there's someone here, so come out already!"

"_Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiins!_"

Lumbering from behind one of the gravestones was a creepy looking boy. He was pale, with the bones of his face slightly showing through the skin. Johann had to wonder why he looked like that.

"Nice makeup, zombie boy." Johann remarked.

"Brains brains brains brains brains." (It's not makeup, you jerk.)

"I get it: you're a zombie. Now can you drop the act so we can duel?"

"Brai-yeah, you know what, good idea. I think everyone's getting tired of hearing me say 'brains' over and over again, anyways."

"Duel!"

Starter Deck vs The Living Dead

"Let me guess: zombies?"

"Exactly." Zombie Boy said as he summoned a monster.

[Dragon Zombie (1600/0) comes into play.]

"After this, I'll place a card face down and end my turn."

"Right then," Johann said, "I'll just play 'Neo', equip it with 'Sword of Deep-Seated', and destroy your dragon."

[Neo enters the field with a purple sword (2200/1500) and destroys Dragon Zombie. Zombie Boy's LP drops by 600.]

"Not bad," Zombie Boy said, "but there are a lot more zombies where that came from! Now, I'll play 'Skull Invitation'. Whenever a card goes to the graveyard, this card deals 300 points of damage to that card's owner. Scared yet?"

"Um, you know you just screwed yourself over with that card, right?"

"What?"

"I have a strong monster, so you're going to play defensive. When I destroy your monsters, you're going to take damage for each one that goes to the graveyard, not to mention I'll just bring out more monsters to do direct damage."

"I…uh…that is…oh s***."

* * *

-A few turns later-

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Johann shrugged.

"Note to self," Zombie Boy muttered as he grudgingly walked away, "play 'Skull Invitation' when I have the ****in advantage."

"Well, that was boring. I guess I'd better go-."

"_Oooooooooohhhhhh_!" Another voice called out.

"Again? Alright, who is it this time?"

A familiar figure lumbered out from behind one of the graves.

"Grandpa? What are you doing out here?"

"I am the cryyyyyyypt keeeeeeepeeeeer!" Grandpa said in his "spooky" voice.

Johann folded his arms. "No, you're not."

"Well, I wish I was. Anyways, I'm out here because this is the only time I can duel. So what do you say to a duel?"

"Alright, but I'm not going to take it easy on you."

"Oh come on! I'm old! Whatever happened to respecting your elders?"

"All's fair in war and card games."

"Oh fine, but you won't find me to be an easy opponent. After all, I taught Yugi all there is to know about dueling."

"Duel!"

Starter Deck vs Six Feet Under

"Here we go!" Grandpa said excitedly.

* * *

-A few turns later-

[Grandpa has Ordeal of a Traveler out, has no monsters, and 4300 LP. Johann has Whiptail Crow (1650/1600), Flame Cerberus (2100/1800), and Baron of the Fiend Sword (1550/800) on his side of the field.]

"It's over, Grandpa." Johann said. "I attack with all my monsters."

"Ah ah ah!" Grandpa wagged a finger. "With 'Ordeal of a Traveler' out, you have to guess what kind of cards I have in my hand before you can attack." He fanned out the only two cards in his hand. He lifted one up and said, "Okay, gueeessss this one!"

"Monster."

"Yes."

[Whiptail Crow attacks directly. LP drops to 2650.]

"Okay, how abooout _this_ one?" Grandpa held out the other card.

"Monster."

"Right again."

[Flame Cerberus attacks. LP drops to 550.]

"Now, how about this one?"

Johann let out an exasperated sigh. "Grandpa, you only have two cards in your hand, and they're both monsters. Do we really have to do this again?"

"Oh? Are you suuuuuure it's a monster?"

"Yes. It's a monster."

"I can't believe how lucky you are."

[Baron attacks. LP drops to 0.]

Grandpa lowered his head and said, "Maybe I should retire from playing children's card games."

"It's just a game, Grandpa." Johann shrugged.

"Just a game?!" A new voice exclaimed.

Both Johann and Grandpa looked around, but they saw no one.

"Children's card games are not just 'games'!" The voice went on. "They're a way of life-no, they _are_ life! Without card games, life has no purpose!"

"Oh boy," Grandpa said, his eyes lit up with hope, "the Grim Reaper has finally come for me!"

"Who are you?" Johann called out. "Come out and show yourself!"

"Who am I?" The voice sounded amused. "Turn around and look into the shadows, if you dare."

Johann did just that. A figure slowly stepped out of the darkness and made himself known.

"I…am…Batman."

"…"

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Grandpa asked. "Come and get me already!"

"Grandpa…that's not the Grim Reaper; that's Yugi."

"Yugi? Oh! Hello there, Yugi!"

"No I'm not." Yugi denied. "I told you: I'm Batman."

"You're not Batman either."

"Well, I wish I was."

"There is something different about you, though."

It was true. This Yugi was taller, had a deeper voice, and a look of confidence on his face. Secretly, Johann wondered if he had somehow hit puberty within a span of a few hours.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." "Yugi" denied again. "Anyways, I heard you dissing on card games, so I decided to give you a piece of my mind."

"Oh, that 'card games are life' deal?" Johann asked. "Yeah, what was up with that?"

"You have no idea, do you?"

"Of what?"

"Well, I would give you a lecture on card games, but that would be like Tea giving a speech on friendship. Anyways, you two really shouldn't be out here at night."

"Why not?

"You have no idea, do you?"

"Would you just tell me already?"

"You know, I thought you would be one of those people who check their email every five minutes, but I guess not. Let's go home, Grandpa. It's about time we changed your diaper, anyways.

"Oh, I forgot about that." Grandpa said.

* * *

-Johann's Room-

After getting ready for bed, Johann went ahead and checked his email. He saw several unread emails sent by KaibaCorp, but they were mostly reminders of the rules. The most recent one, however, was labeled: WARNING. This one in particular had arrived fifty minutes ago. Worried, Johann opened it.

"Subject: WARNING

Duelists,

As of this night, four duelists were found lying on the streets comatose. Their conditions are stable, but no information is given on when they will wake up. The cause of this is unknown, but for your own safety, we advise you to not go out at night."

"Comatose?" Johann asked himself. He could not believe what he had just read.

_Yugi knew about this, but what was _he_ doing out? Does he know what's really going on?_

* * *

**Review, would you kindly?**

"Mnnnn." Johann murmured as he turned in his sleep. "Mokey Mokey…giant…angry…Mokey Mokey…a king? …No…stay away…!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Johann woke up covered in sweat. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He then thought back to the nightmare.

"Dozens of Mokey Mokey with 3300 ATK power…****!"


	4. Part 4: Shark Week

**Warning: sharks.**

* * *

-The park-

"Okay," Johann said, "I finally named my deck and I'm raring to go. The radar points to this direction and…targets spotted."

At the park, he watched two duelists battle each other. One had blond hair while the other was short and wore a red beanie. It did not take long for the first duelist to defeat the second one.

"How'd you like that, Rexie?" The duelist with blond hair asked.

"Huh huh," the duelist in the beanie turned to walk away, "this sucks."

"That's right, you know you can't beat my Brooklyn Rage!"

He did a victory dance while singing something that sounded like a Lady Gaga parody song. When he noticed Johann, he stopped and he asked, "You want to challenge me next?"

"Sure."

"Wait a minute…red hair…and you have a bike. You must be that kid that Yugi and Tea were talking about. You're Johann, aren't you? I'm Joey Wheeler."

"Yeah, I'm Johann. You know Yugi and Tea?"

"Of course; they're my friends! When they told me about you, I just knew I had to duel you."

"Let's get started then."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs Brooklyn Rage!

"First," Johann said, "I summon 'Muka Muka' in attack mode."

[Muka Muka (600/300) is summoned. Because Johann has five cards in hand, it becomes (2100/1800).]

"I end my turn."

"I place two cards face down," Joey said, "and I summon my 'Time Wizard'."

[Time Wizard (500/400) appears on the field.]

"Now I flip a coin. If I call it right, I destroy all of your monsters. If I call wrong, my 'Time Wizard' is destroyed and I take life point damage." Joey searched his pockets. "Uh…do you have a coin I can borrow?"

"You didn't bring a coin?" Johann asked in disbelief.

"Not even a penny!"

"I don't have any coins either."

"Well…great. Now what do we do?"

"Flip a rock?"

"That's just stupid."

"Okay, flip a card? Face up is heads, face down is tails?"

"I think that can work." Joey picked a card from his hand and called, "Tails!"

Just as he tossed it up in the air, a sudden gust of wind blew it away.

"Hey! Get back here!" Joey started chasing after it. "That was my 'Needle Wall', damn it!"

Joey chased after the card until he was a speck on the horizon. With him being so far away, the holograms vanished. Johann kept staring at the speck that was his opponent.

"I guess that was a draw?" He shrugged.

* * *

-Residential Street-

Johann was passing through his neighborhood when his radar picked up another signal. He followed it until he found a familiar face. Standing a few yards away from him was the boy that Joey was dueling earlier, the one who wore the red beanie.

"Huh." The boy said. "I saw you earlier."

"Yeah. I'm Johann. Want to duel?"

"Like, I'm Rex Raptor, and my dinos are going to kick your ass."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs Dino Boners

"'Dino Boners?' What kind of name is that?" Johann asked.

Rex laughed, "You said 'boners'."

"…Ha ha ha." Johann rolled his eyes. "Is that why you named your deck that?"

"Huh huh, 'deck'."

"How is _that _funny?!"

"Huh huh, you really don't get it."

"I'll just start by summoning…"

* * *

-A few turns later-

[Johann has Man-Eating Treasure Chest (1600/1000), one card face down, and 6500 LP. Rex has Gilasaurus (1400/400) and Uraby (1500/800) on the field and 5550 LP.]

Rex grinned, "Huh, I sacrifice two monsters to summon 'Godzilla'."

[Both dinosaurs leave the field and Godzilla (2800/2100) is summoned.]

Johann smirked.

"Huh, what's that smirk for?" Rex asked.

"'Trap Hole'."

"Huh huh, you said-."

[Johann activates Trap Hole and destroys Godzilla.]

"Huh…wha? You destroyed 'Godzilla'."

"I love it when I do that." Johann said smugly. "It's smooth sailing from here."

* * *

-A few turns later-

"You suck." Rex said as he left.

"Does he say that every time he loses?" Johann asked himself.

A beep came from his Duel Disk and he checked his radar. He noticed that someone was approaching him.

"Heeeeeyyy! Johaaaaaaann!" A familiar voice called out to him.

He turned to the direction of the voice and saw that it was Joey. The duelist said, "I finally got my card back, and I got a coin, so now we can duel for realsies!"

"Alright then." Johann grinned.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs Brooklyn Rage!

(Again)

"I'll start by placing 'Crawling Dragon #2' in attack mode." Johann announced.

[Crawling Dragon (1600/1200) appears on the field.]

"I'll end it there."

"Okay," Joey said, "time to do this right. I summon 'Time Wizard'."

[Time Wizard (500/400) appears on the field.]

Joey took out a coin and called "heads" before flipping it into the air. He reached to snatch the coin in midair, but he missed. Instead, the coin fell into a drain grate.

"Nyeh?! You've gotta be kidding me!" Joey exclaimed as he dropped to his hands and knees. He tried to move his fingers into the slits, but they were too big. He peered inside and said, "This sucks. I can't even see it!"

"Please tell me you have another coin." Johann sighed.

"…No."

"So, is this another draw?"

"No! I can…almost…!" Joey managed to slip a finger in, but it got stuck. "My finger's stuck! Help me out here, Johann!"

Johann pushed a button on his Duel Disk, ending the duel and turning off the holograms. He walked over to Joey and grabbed ahold of his stuck finger. They pulled together.

"Owowowowow!" Joey hollered. After another tug, his finger was out, though it was now swollen and red. He blew air on it in an attempt to ease the pain. He said, "Man, I can't believe how rotten my luck is today."

"Maybe you should bring more than one coin next time." Johann suggested.

"You don't need to tell _me_ that. I'm not a moron." Joey stood up. "One of these days, Johann, we _will_ have a real duel."

He then walked away, leaving Johann alone once again. He shook his head as he got back on his bike and pedaled away.

* * *

-The pier-

Though the radar had guided Johann to the pier, he saw no one around. What he did find, however, were a Duel Disk, a blue vest, a towel, and a harpoon. He stared at the Duel Disk, then at the ocean. He figured someone must have gone for a late afternoon swim, but he saw no one in the water. He looked back at the Duel Disk and wondered whether he should just leave it there or not.

He bent down to pick it up when he heard a loud splash. He lifted his head up. He let out a startled yell and recoiled several feet. Climbing onto the pier was something that looked like a human, except it had a large wad of kelp for a head with a crab stuck on it.

"Freaky fish guy!" Johann exclaimed.

The thing growled and grabbed the kelp. With one strong yank, it pulled both it and the crab off of it, showing that it was indeed a human being. It was a man with spikey black hair and a tan. The man glared and snarled, "I am _not_ a freaky fish guy!"

"Whoa, sorry-."

"Are you trying to steal my Duel Disk?"

"No, I just thought-!"

The man ran up and snatched the harpoon. He threatened, "Get back before I harpoon you!"

Johann scooted back with his hands in the air. He tried to explain, "I just didn't think it was a good idea to leave something like that out in the open!"

"Well I couldn't bring it with me while I spent quality time with the ocean."

"I get it, I get it, would you just drop that thing?!"

The man paused before placing the harpoon back on the ground. He picked up his vest and put it on. As he dried himself off with the towel, he admitted, "I can't hold a grudge forever. Seeing that you're here, I guess you want to duel me?"

"Yeah," Johann said warily, "just as long as it doesn't involve that harpoon."

"Then let us begin. I, Mako Tsunami, will beat you with my Ocean Deck!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs Ocean Love

"I'll start this off by playing the magic card 'Umi'!" Mako announced.

[A hologram of the ocean appears on the floor.]

"This boosts the ATK and DEF of all my oceanic monsters. Now I summon 'Jabberjaw' in attack mode."

[Jabberjaw (1000+200/800+200) leaps out of the ocean.]

"I now end my turn."

"Are _all _of your cards ocean related?" Johann asked.

"Of course they're all ocean related; this is an _Ocean_ Deck after all. Having anything in my deck that is not related to the ocean would be just wrong."

_He _really_ has something for the ocean. I just hope all of his cards aren't sharks. _Johann thought as he placed a monster face down in defense mode.

* * *

-Several turns later-

"This…bites." Johann winced at the bad pun he made.

[Johann has two cards face down and Prevent Rat (500/2000) in defense mode. Mako has Umi, one card face down, and the monsters Jaws (2000+200/1500+200), Singing Shark (1100+200/1400+200), and Sharktopus (1800+200/1500+200). Johann's LP is at 3400 and Mako's is at 6750.]

"It looks like I win this game." Mako grinned. "Now, I reveal my face down card: 'Sharknado'!"

[A water twister shoots out of the ocean and engulfs all of Mako's monsters.]

"For this one turn, the power of all my Aqua monsters is doubled. Afterwards, they are destroyed, but it doesn't matter, since you're about to lose! Now, I attack with all my monsters!"

[The water twister moves forward and launches all monsters. Jaws destroys Prevent Rat while the other two sharks crash right into Johann, knocking him off of his feet. His LP drops to 0.]

"Yeouch!" Johann winced in pain. "Who knew holograms could do actual damage?"

The holograms vanished. Mako walked up to Johann and offered a hand. Johann took it and Mako helped him up. Johann said, "That was just overkill, Mako."

"No one has ever beaten the 'Sharknado'." The winning duelist boasted. "You see, this is what happens when you underestimate the power of the ocean."

"You just had a good start, that's all."

Mako looked at the setting sun and said, "It is getting late. I should head back before bad people show up."

"Bad people?"

"Last night, on my way home, I was confronted by a strange man who spoke in rhymes. I did not know what he was blabbing about, but he challenged me to a duel. I won, of course, as no one can beat the 'Sharknado'. He was a silly person, but I think he is also dangerous. Be careful, Fishbait."

Mako picked up his things and left. Irritated at the nickname, Johann called out, "Who are you calling 'Fishbait'?!"

Mako only laughed in response. Johann now thought back to his words.

_A strange man who spoke in rhymes…is this related to the duelists who went comatose last night?_

Johann decided he would be extra careful on the way home.

* * *

**Tune in for the next chapter.**

**Always carry extra change when playing cards involving coin tosses.**

"Okay piggy," Joey said as he raised his hammer, "I hate to do this, but I need the money."

He paused, closed his eyes, and brought the hammer down. The sound of smashed porcelain rang in his ears. He slowly opens his eyes to find a destroyed piggy bank, its contents spilled out on the floor.

"Your sacrifice will not be in vain, little pig. All I have to do now is make sure Tristan doesn't find out."


	5. Part 5: The Shadow Games

**Warning: lame rhyming.**

* * *

-The park-

Yugi and Tea were sitting on the swings while Joey leaned against the poles supporting them.

"Say guys," Yugi said, "what do you think about Johann?"

"He's a jerk." Tea immediately responded.

"I mean _besides_ being a jerk."

"I don't really see anything special about him." Joey shrugged. "Why bring him up, Yug?"

"I just wonder how he manages to stand out. I mean, his cards and character are nothing extraordinary, yet the story focuses on him a lot."

"You don't think he could be the new main character, could you?"

"Him? No way. If he's the main character, then he's going to win the tournament, and I'll be damned if I let that happen."

"Speaking of characters, has anyone seen Tristan or Duke?" Tea asked.

"Well," Joey said, "last I heard…"

* * *

-Somewhere in the country-

Duke Devlin was running from a large crowd of cheering fangirls.

["SexyBack" playing.] "I forget my shirt for one day and this happens." He turned his head around and shouted at the crowd, "Ladies, please! I love you all, but you've been chasing me for three days!"

"Omigod! He said 'ladies!'"

"He said 'please'!"

"He said he loves us!"

"Eeeeeeeeek!"

"Burn the witch!"

["SexyBack" playing.] "Tristan? Why are you chasing me?"

"Isn't this an angry mob?" Tristan called back.

["SexyBack" playing.] "No, this is a fangirl mob, and I already told you: I'm not a witch."

"Well, it's still a mob, and I'm not letting my torch and pitchfork go to waste!"

["SexyBack" playing.] "Ugh…I don't know how long I can do this."

* * *

-The park-

"Wow," Yugi said, "it's almost like they were written out of the original _Nightmare Troubadour_ for no real reason."

"Yeah," Tea agreed, "this story would have been much funnier with them around."

All of their Duel Disks beeped, signaling the approach of a duelist. At the same time, Tea stood up and announced, "My Limey Senses are tingling!"

As if on cue, Bakura appeared. He said, "Hello guys. I just heard about what happened to Tristan and Duke, so I was wondering: could I be in your friend group now?"

"Heck no." Yugi quickly responded. His eyes widened and he suddenly stood up. He announced, "My Danger Senses are tingling!"

"Since when did you have Danger Senses?" Joey asked.

"Since the Pharaoh decided to be Ba-uh…"

"Decided to be what?"

"…Decided to be…a battering ram. Yeah…a battering ram."

"That makes no sense whatsoever." Tea admitted.

"Ask him about it, not me. I gotta be going."

Yugi ran off. When he was out of range, his Yami took over.

"A battering ram, really?" Yami Yugi asked. "Yugi, you really suck at improv."

_Well, what would you have said? _Yugi asked.

"I would have said that I was a badass, which I am. But enough idle chit-chat. This looks like a job for Batman."

* * *

-Residential street-

After reading about what had happened last night, Johann was on pins and needles as he rode his bike home. The sun had almost completely set, and the street lights were already lit. The lights gave no comfort, as he expected to be jumped at any moment.

He saw something on the sidewalk and gasped when he recognized what it was. Lying face down on the sidewalk was a boy with a Duel Disk. Johann immediately got off and ran over to him. He rolled him on his back and saw that he was unconscious.

"Hey!" Johann shook the boy. "Wake up, kid! Wake up!"

He shook and slapped the boy across the face, but nothing woke him up. Johann's mind was racing.

_S***! _He panicked. _Did he fall into a coma? What if the guy who did this is still around here? Oh s*** oh s*** oh s*** oh-!_

"Aha!" A voice shouted. "A duelist, I see. I wonder what kind of challenge this will be?"

Johann looked up towards the direction of the voice and he gaped. Standing on top of one of the streetlights was a bald man wearing a green Kung Fu outfit. The man struck a pose before leaping off the streetlight and landing on his feet in front of Johann.

"S***!" Johann swore and bolted for his bike.

He was within arm's reach of his bike when another man jumped in front of him. He looked exactly like the other man, except his outfit was orange.

"You cannot flee." The man in orange said. "You are trapped, can you not see?"

Johann looked at the man in green, then at the man in orange, and saw that he was cornered. He demanded, "What do you want from me?"

"I am Para, of the Brothers Paradox." The man in orange said.

"And I am Dox, of the Brothers Paradox." The man in green said.

"What do we want from you? That question is lame."

"You see, we are here to challenge you to a Shadow Game!"

"This will be like a duel, but with it comes a heavy toll."

"For if you lose, you will forfeit your soul!"

"Wha?" Johann continued to gape. "Lose my soul?! What the hell are you guys?!"

"They are nothing but a pair of bad rhymers." A familiar voice answered.

Appearing on the scene was the Yugi that Johann saw last night. He said, "I never thought I would see your faces again, Paradox Brothers. Also, last time I checked, you two could not initiate Shadow Games."

Both brothers glared and gritted their teeth. Para said, "Yugi! Losing that duel to you was our greatest regret!"

"As for our new powers," Dox said, "that is a secret."

"But now that you're here, it's time for a Tag Team Match."

"To duel both a rookie and our enemy, this is quite a catch."

"Very well," Yugi said as he got into his dueling stance, "a Tag Team Match it is. Johann, get over here."

Johann nodded and ran up to Yugi's side. He readied himself as the brothers went to the other end and activated their Duel Disks.

"I must warn you," Yugi said to the brothers, "I am using my good deck." He turned to Johann and told him, "Word of advice: don't lose."

"I know that!" Johann snapped.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage and Motherflippin vs Rhyme and Time

Once the duel started, the streetlights suddenly dimmed, dark fog covered the ground, and the shadows seemed to start moving on their own accord. Goosebumps rose on Johann's flesh. While he was genuinely freaked out, the others showed no such reaction.

"I will begin," said Yugi, "by placing two cards face down and summon the 'Skilled Dark Magician'."

[Skilled Dark Magician (1900/1700) comes into play.]

"I end my turn. Johann, you're next."

"Uh, right." Johann's nerves were rattled. He asked, "Yugi, we aren't really going to lose our souls if we lose, are we?"

"Look around, Johann. We're at the boundary between the real world and the Shadow Realm. If we lose, our souls are most certainly screwed."

"The Shadow Realm? Is that like Hell or something?"

"The Shadow Realm is certainly no walk in the park." Para said.

"For those who are trapped are doomed to forever wander in the dark." Dox said.

"They will suffer grief, insanity, and other things too horrendous to say."

"And never again will they see the light of day."

"Yes," Yugi said, "it's basically Hell."

Johann trembled and he shouted, "I don't want to go to Hell!"

"Oh hush up you big crybaby, you're playing with the motherflippin King of Games here. You have nothing to worry about. Now hurry up and make your move."

"R-right. I'll place one card face down and one monster face down in defense mode. I end my turn."

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Johann has 4200 LP, two face down cards and Flame Cerberus (2100/1800). Yugi has 6800 LP, one card face down, and the monsters Zombyra the Dark (2100/500), Copycat (1800/1600), and Marshmallon (300/500). Para has 2700 LP and Kazejin (2400/2200). Dox has 2500 LP and the monsters Monster Tamer (1800/1600) and Jirai Gumo (2200/100).]

"Now, Kazejin," Para announced, "attack the face down monster and give us the win!"

Yugi smirked and activated his face down card, saying, "'Mirror Force', bitches!"

[All of Para and Dox's monsters are destroyed.]

"I-I don't believe this!" Para exclaimed.

"I-I can't think up of a good rhyme for this!" Dox stammered.

"I believe it's my turn now." Yugi said. "I sacrifice 'Zombyra' and 'Copycat' to summon 'Dark Magician of Chaos'!"

[Zombyra and Copycat leave the field and Dark Magician of Chaos (2800/2600) is summoned.]

"Thanks to its effect, I can bring a magic card from the graveyard to my hand, but that hardly matters now. I now directly attack you, Para!"

[Chaos attacks Para, knocking him off his feet and dropping his LP to 0.]

"Finish the other one, Johann!"

"Got it!" Johann nodded. "I summon 'Neo the Magic Swordsman' and I attack directly with both monsters!"

[Neo (1700/1000) is summoned. Both it and Flame Cerberus attack Dox, also knocking him off his feet and dropping his LP to 0.]

"I-I can't believe it!" Para said as he stood up. "How could we lose?"

Dox also got up and suggested, "I suggest we go home and get drunk on booze."

"Not what I originally thought, but that sounds good right now. Hear us, Yugi and Johann! Do not think that we have officially quit!"

"Next time we meet, we will smear your faces with-!"

"I get it already." Yugi interrupted. "Run off now."

So the brothers did just that. With the duel over, everything returned to normal. Johann let out a shuddering exhale and said breathlessly, "We did it."

"See? Just like I told you: nothing to worry about, just stay in at night next time."

"Harsh curfew, but it beats losing and having my soul taken. By the way, who are you, really? I know you aren't the Yugi I dueled yesterday."

"That is because I am-."

"And don't say you're Batman."

"Fine then. I go by several names. Some call me 'Yami', others call me 'Pharaoh', but most people call me 'Yugi', even though he and I are completely different people."

"So, are you a split personality?"

"No, I'm the spirit of a pharaoh from ancient Egypt, trapped in this Millennium Puzzle." He cradled an upside-down gold pyramid that hung around his neck.

"…And I'm supposed to believe that?"

"You were just in a Shadow Game with your soul on the line."

"True. Alright Yugi, I'll go along with what you're saying…for now." Johann looked at the comatose boy and said, "I think we should get him to a hospital."

"Oh, forgot about him."

* * *

**Tune in for the next chapter.**

**Sadly, there are no Tag Team Matches in **_**Nightmare Troubadour**_**.**

"Big brother!" Mokuba came running into Kaiba's office. "I just got reports of more comatose duelists!"

Kaiba, who was busy at his computer, said nothing.

"Big brother-."

"Shut up, Mokuba. Can't you see that I'm busy playing my favorite game, _Exoptable Money_? I like it because I do nothing but make money…the ending really sucks, though."


	6. Part 6: Dude, Where's My Bike?

**Warning: do not attempt any of the delinquent acts portrayed in this story.**

**The reason I haven't updated in a while is because…well, life in general.**

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Because of last night's events, Johann didn't get much sleep. When he got up, he found out that he had slept in by a few hours. He looked at his Duel Disk and thought back to last night's duel. He did not want to experience something like that again if he could help it.

_I'll be fine as long as I just duel during the day._ Johann thought.

Johann then decided to have breakfast and manage his deck before he started another day of dueling.

* * *

-Near the riverbank-

Johann followed the signal on his radar to a bench placed near the riverbank. Sitting on it was a girl with long, auburn hair. On her arm was a Duel Disk, but unlike most duelists, she did not bear a look of childish overconfidence.

Johann got off his bike and approached her. Her Duelist Radar beeped and she turned her head to face him. Staying seated, she said in a strange, squeaky voice, "Oh, hello. I guess you're here to duel?"

"I am." Johann answered. "You up for it?"

"Well…" She turned her head away and sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"You see, I'm not a good duelist. I only started playing the game and entered the tournament so that my big brother would like me more."

Feeling like he was going to hear a sob story, Johann moved to sit next to the girl.

"He seems happy with me," she continued, "but I'm still not good. I know the basics, and I have the right cards, I think, but I keep losing. Just what am I doing wrong?"

"I don't know." Johann gave a small shrug. "It could be you have bad cards, or it could be that everyone keeps making their decks better. I'm no psychologist, but I'm guessing you don't really want to duel."

"Hm?"

"If you're only doing this for your brother's approval, then you're not going to enjoy yourself. Are you having fun dueling?"

"I…it can be thrilling at times, but I don't like losing all the time."

"Well, maybe this duel will be your lucky first."

"…Okay." The girl stood up. "I'm Serenity, by the way."

"And I'm Johann."

"I'm going to do my best, Johann."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs Ponies!

"Ponies?" Johann asked.

_This is Tea all over again._

"I like ponies, from 'My Little Pony' to 'Pony Island'," Serenity said, "though 'Pony Island' didn't make much sense."

"You know that game isn't actually about ponies, right?"

"But it's called 'Pony Island'! How could it not be about ponies? Anyways, I'll start by playing 'Chorus Sanctuary'. With this in play, all monsters in Defense mode gain an extra 500 DEF points. I play two cards face down and one monster face down in Defense mode. I end my turn."

"My move, then." Johann said as he drew a card.

_So she's a defensive player. _He thought to himself. _This is going to take a while._

* * *

-Many turns later-

Serenity sighed as she lowered her head in defeat. She said, "You didn't go easy on me at all."

"No," Johann shook his head, "but you weren't an easy opponent. 'Rain of Mercy' plus 'Bad Reaction to Simochi' was a good combo."

"Yeah, I spent a lot of time making this deck." A smile appeared on her face and she raised her head back up. She said, "I'm still not going to give up. I know I'll win eventually."

"That's the spirit." He turned to leave. "Me, I'm off to find another…eh?"

The bike he had left leaning against a nearby telephone pole was gone. He exclaimed, "Someone took my bike! They must have stolen it while I was dueling!"

"Who would steal a bicycle?" Serenity asked.

"I don't know, but they are _so_ going to get it!"

Johann ran off in a random direction. Serenity called out to him, "Wait! Do you even know where to look?"

"No clue!"

* * *

-The Bridge-

The first people Johann spotted were a group of boys with greenish-aqua hair (he couldn't really tell). As he approached him, his Duelist Radar went off, as did the radar belonging to the oldest of the boys.

"Aha!" The boy got into a dueling stance. "Another duelist has come to challenge the great psychic Espa Roba!"

"Not today." Johann said as he ran past the group.

"You wuss!" One of the younger boys called after him. "You're too chicken to play a children's card game against our big brother!"

Johann stopped. He slowly turned around and asked, "What did you call me?"

"A wuss! A chicken!"

"Oh stop antagonizing him." The oldest boy, Espa Roba, said. "It's obvious this guy isn't worth my time."

"Okay, you just made my bad mood worse. I'll kick your ass."

"I am afraid that will not happen, for you see, I am psychic, and I know that I will be the one to kick your ass."

"Psychic? If that's true, then tell me where to find the jerk that stole my bike."

"I did see someone run off with a bicycle, but I will only tell you if you beat me."

"Really? Can't you just tell me?"

"But then you won't duel me."

"Listen, someone _stole_ my bike. I'll take a raincheck on that duel."

"'Take a raincheck'?!" A familiar voice exclaimed.

Everyone turned their heads to face the direction of the voice. Standing on the other end of the bridge was Yugi, or rather, Yami. He pointed at Johann and said, "You can't 'take a raincheck' on a duel! Have you no sense of honor, man?!"

"Yugi," Johann sighed, "are you going to magically show up each time I say something about card games?"

"Johann, I have a feeling you aren't taking this seriously. Don't you realize that everything centers around card games?"

"Yugi, my bike was stolen and I have to find the thief. I think this takes priority over a game."

"Oh gods," Yami pinched the bridge of his nose, "you have no idea, do you? You see, card games-."

"Alright alright already!" Johann interrupted. "If I duel this guy, will you get off my back?"

"…Yes."

"Okay, good! Let's do this!"

"I have no idea what is going on right now," Espa Roba admitted, "but let the duel commence."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. I HAVE ESP

"Sure you do." Johann rolled his eyes.

"I know that I will win!" Espa Roba boasted. "I will start by playing a monster facedown in Defense mode and ending my turn. Attack me, if you dare."

Johann drew a card. After looking over his cards, he said, "I place a card facedown and place a monster facedown in Defense mode. I end my turn."

"You should have attacked me when you had the chance. I now sacrifice my facedown monster to summon 'Jinzo'!"

[Jinzo (2400/1500) is summoned.]

"Activate Trap Card 'O RLY?'. When you summon a monster over-."

"It does not matter, for 'Jinzo' destroys all Internet memes!"

[Johann's card is destroyed.]

"…You are kidding me."

"Your defeat is imminent!"

Meanwhile, the younger brothers approached Yami, who was watching the duel. One of them held a baby towards him and asked, "Excuse me, but do you want this baby? We don't want it anymore."

Without turning his head, he answered, "No."

"He can do tricks, like-."

"I'm trying to watch a children's card game here."

"We beg of you, please take this baby."

Yami turned his head to face the brothers and snapped, "Look, I don't want your baby! Get it through your thick skulls already!"

He turned his head back and saw that the duel was over, with Johann as the winner. "Now look what you did: you made me miss the entire duel!"

"Oh no!" One of the younger brothers exclaimed. "Our brother lost!"

Johann approached Espa Roba and said, "I won, now tell me who took my bike."

"Okay, fine, I'll tell you." The self-proclaimed psychic sighed. "It was a short boy with glasses and a bug on his shirt. He ran off in that direction." He pointed towards the other end of the bridge.

"Thanks."

Johann ran past Yami and Espa Roba's brothers. Yugi thought, _Glasses and a bug on his shirt…are you thinking what I'm thinking?_

_I'm thinking we shouldn't get involved in this pointless subplot. _Yami thought back.

_Exactly._

* * *

-The park-

It took Johann several hours of running around and asking people about the kid in glasses to find his target. Standing in a nearby field was a boy who fit the description Espa Roba gave him. However, he didn't have Johann's bike on him.

"You." Johann glared at the kid in the eye. "Were you the one who took my bike?"

"Heh heh, yeah, I stole it alright." The boy smirked.

"Well, where is it?"

"Wouldn't you like to know, buttmunch. Duel me and I might give it back."

"So you stole my bike just because you want to duel me? You jerk."

"No, I just don't like chumps like you. Riding bikes makes you, like, a Pokémon trainer, or something stupid like that."

"Hey! Just because I ride a bike does _not_ mean that I'm a Pokémon trainer!" Although Johann wouldn't admit that he was living on a Pokémon trainer's budget.

"Heh heh, well, prove it."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Bug Bungholes

"Why would you name your deck 'Bug Bungholes'?" Johann had to ask.

"Heh heh, you said 'bungholes'." The boy snickered.

"Oh hell, you're just like that Rex guy."

"Rex? Rex Raptor? Like, I'm Weevil Underwood, and I'm nothing like that guy."

"I beg to differ…"

"I start by summoning 'Giant Flea'."

[Giant Flea (1500/1200) skitters onto the playing field.]

"Yuck." Johann grimaced. "Why do you like those things?"

"I like all kinds of creepy crawlies, heh heh."

"Whatever, I'll stomp out your bugs by playing…"

* * *

-Minutes later-

"Heh…" Weevil muttered as he lowered his head. "I lost. This sucks."

"Rex says the same thing, you know." Johann pointed out. "But anyways, I won, so tell me where my bike is."

"Heh, like it's in that ditch."

Weevil pointed to a ditch in the distance. Johann ran over and looked down. His bike was indeed there, but it looked seriously beaten up. The tires were flat and the wheels were bent. He turned around to yell at Weevil, only to find him running off.

"Asshole." Johann said through gritted teeth.

He climbed into the ditch and hauled his bike out. He could probably straighten the wheels on his own, but he would need new tires. Still angry at Weevil, he climbed out of the ditch and started walking his bike home.

* * *

**I'm going to replay the game to get myself back in the mood to continue this fanfiction.**

Espa Roba placed his fingers on his temples and closed his eyes. He said dramatically, "I can see the future clearly: this story will one day be finished!"

Yami rolled his eyes. "Given how your other 'predictions' turned out, I highly doubt it."

One of Roba's younger siblings opened his mouth to speak. Yami interrupted, "And no, I still don't want that baby."


	7. Part 7: Logic? What Logic?

**Warning: you may see a sentence starting with the word "Warning". If you see it, don't panic and keep on reading.**

* * *

-Johann's neighborhood-

It was sunset when Johann got back from buying new tires for his bike. He planned on spending the rest of the day straightening his wheels and eating dinner. However, he was forced to change his plans when he heard a scream.

"Help me!" A familiar, squeaky voice cried out.

Johann only knew one person with that voice.

_Serenity?_

He dropped his bike and ran towards the direction of the voice. He went down several streets until he saw a small warehouse. He caught a glimpse of Serenity being dragged through the door before it closed. Without really thinking, he continued to run, only for a familiar figure to jump in front of him.

"Dox." Johann said.

"No, I am his brother, Para." The man in orange said. "Dox is inside with the girl."

"Why kidnap Serenity?"

"We are using her as bait for Wheeler."

"Nyeh? Did someone say my name?" Joey's voice asked.

He ran and stopped next to Johann.

"We have your sister, Wheeler." Para said. "If you want her back, then you must duel both of us."

"Hey, you're one of them Paradox brothers, and you're not rhyming!"

"I can only rhyme when I am with my brother. Now! Let us duel!"

Joey activated his duel disk. "Alright, I can take you on."

"Joey, we should be calling the cops, not dueling!" Johann said.

"Call the cops? Is that logic I'm hearing? Johann, I don't know where you're from, but on this planet, we solve all our problems by dueling."

"Duel!"

Brooklyn Rage! vs Rhyme

The dark fog had returned, much to Johann's horror and Joey's confusion.

"Another Shadow Game?" Johann asked.

"I don't like the looks of this." Joey muttered.

"Of course." Para said.

Johann pulled out his phone and said, "That's it; I'm calling the cops."

To his confusion, he saw that it was off. He tried to turn it on, but the phone refused to come on. His jaw dropped. Did he run out of battery?

"It is futile," Para went on, "phones do not work in the presence of the shadows."

"And Duel Disks do?" Joey asked.

"Okay, I admit it: they don't work because the plot says so."

Johann shook his head. "Of all the stupid—you know what, while you two are playing, I'll just get Serenity out of here."

"Yeah!" Joey agreed. "I got things covered here!"

Johann ran to the warehouse and slammed the door open.

The inside was packed with boxes, and there was conveniently enough space in the middle for a duel. At the very back, Serenity was struggling against Dox's grip. Johann shouted, "Kick his balls, Serenity!"

Her face lit up with realization and she did just that. Dox let her go and dropped to his knees, his face contorted with pain. She ran past Johann and left the warehouse without a word of thanks. Johann was about to leave as well when dark fog suddenly covered the door.

"You…(oooh) won't get away…that easily." Dox snarled as he very slowly got to his feet. "I won't let you leave until…(ow, son of a bitch) you beat me in a Shadow Game."

_I really have no choice this time. God, if you're there, please let me win this one._

Johann activated his Duel Disk and said, "Alright, Para, if you want to duel, then let's duel."

"I am Dox, you idiot! Para is the one who wears orange, I am the one who wears green!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Time

"That deck name is silly," Dox mocked, "for it is you and your soul that will get pwned. I will start by placing a monster facedown in defense mode."

"My soul isn't getting pwned if I can help it." Johann said, trying to sound brave. "I summon Baron of the Fiend Sword and attack your monster."

[Baron (1550/800) attacks the monster. The monster is revealed to be Jareth the Goblin King (1200/1700). The song "Magic Dance" plays. Johann loses 150 LP.]

"Really? _Really?_"

"Yes, really." Dox smirked. "I have this card since he is the ruler of the Labyrinth. And speaking of Labyrinth, I sacrifice Jareth to summon Labyrinth Wall in defense mode."

[Monster is sacrificed and replaced by the Labyrinth (0/3000). The song ends.]

"3000 defense? Are you kidding me?"

"My Labyrinth Wall will protect me while I whittle you down to nothing."

_Okay, Johann, how are you going to get rid of this thing?_

* * *

-Outside the Warehouse-

"Joey!" Serenity cried out when she saw her brother.

"Serenity!" He called back. "You're okay! We'll get out of here just as soon as I cream this guy."

[Joey's Flame Swordsman (1800/1600) destroys Para's Cannon Soldier (1400/1300). Para loses 400 LP, bringing him down to 5600.]

"Hmph." Para scolded at Serenity. "It looks like my brother was unable to restrain you."

"All I had to do was kick him in the balls." Serenity said.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Joey said, "Serenity, you're telling me you kicked one of those guys in the nuts?"

"Yes."

"You can't go around kicking guys in the nuts, but since it's one of those jerks, I'll forgive you."

"Back to the duel!" Para raised his voice. "I can get rid of your monster easily with my Jirai Gumo!"

[Jirai Gumo (2200/100) comes into play.]

"As part of its special effect, I will now flip a coin. If I call it right, it can attack. If I call wrong, I lose half my Life Points."

"You're taking a big risk with that." Joey said.

"But Joey," Serenity spoke up, "you have a bunch of chance cards yourself."

"That's because I know luck's on my side."

"I can afford to chance it," Para said. He pulled a coin out of his pocket. "Now, I call: heads!"

He flipped the coin.

* * *

-In the Warehouse-

[Dox has Labyrinth Wall and The Statue of Easter Island (1100/1400) in play. Johann has just summoned Flame Cerberus (2100/1800).]

"I know how to get past your Labyrinth Wall," Johann said, "all I have to do is play this card!"

[Johann plays the magic card Stop Defense. Labyrinth Wall is forced into attack mode.]

"And I'll just destroy it like that."

[Flame Cerberus destroys the wall and deals 2100 damage to Para, bringing his LP to 5900.]

"You destroyed that wall," Dox said, "but I have more! I sacrifice my monster to summon another Labyrinth Wall in defense mode.

[Another one is summoned.]

_Well, s***._

* * *

-Outside the Warehouse-

Para moved his hand to catch the coin, but he missed and it fell into a drain grate.

Joey smirked at the irony of the situation. "Wow, what an unfortunate event. You don't happen to have another coin on you, do you?"

"No." Para answered, his eyes wide with disbelief. "That was the only coin I had. Do you have a spare coin?"

"Sorry, but I'm out of change." Joey lied.

Serenity said, "I have a—."

"And Serenity doesn't have any change on her either. Why don't we say it's tails and your monster is destroyed?"

"No, how about we say it's heads and my monster destroys yours?"

"Or it could be a tie." Serenity suggested.

Both duelists glared at each other for a full minute, then sighed simultaneously.

"Tie." They both said grudgingly.

* * *

-Inside the Warehouse-

[In addition to his Flame Cerberus, which has Sword of Deep Seated (+500 ATK) equipped, Johann has Neo the Magic Swordsman (1700/1000), Whiptail Crow (1650/1600), and one facedown monster. Johann draws a card.]

"Okay!" Johann said when he saw what card he drew. "I'm ending this now. I flip my monster face up."

[Monster is revealed to be Man-Eater Bug (450/600). Its special effect destroys Labyrinth Wall.]

"And now, I play Rush Recklessly on my Cerberus, giving it 700 ATK this turn. Dox, consider yourself _pwned_!"

[All monsters attack, bringing Dox's LP to 0.]

"This cannot be!" Dox exclaimed.

The fog slowly vanished, revealing the door once more. Before Johann could open it, it suddenly slammed open. Joey, Serenity, and Yami ran into the room, nearly knocking him over.

"Finally!" Joey said. "The door opened!"

Johann looked at the entering party and noticed Yami. He asked, "Yugi, what are you doing here?"

"My Danger Senses were tingling and they brought me here." He explained. He looked at Dox and said, "So you managed to beat him on your own. _Good_ job." The last sentence was said sarcastically.

"We will be back!" Dox proclaimed.

He ran past everyone and left the warehouse. Johann took out his phone and saw that it was working again. He said, "Good, now we can report these guys."

"Johann," Joey said, "I don't think the cops are going to believe you if you told them what happened."

"Why not? Those comatose kids in the hospital are proof enough, and they just kidnapped Serenity."

Yami pinched the bridge of his nose and said, "Oh Ra, are you _seriously_ trying to apply logic here?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Johann, listen: you've got to learn to stop questioning logic. We ourselves can't figure things out unless they are spelled out for us. For example: why would the Paradox Brothers kidnap Serenity instead of Mokuba? Unless they monologue their plans to us, we will never know, and we've just come to accept it."

"Hey, guys," a familiar voice spoke up from behind the boxes, "I'm right here. They actually kidnapped me two hours ago, but I don't know what they wanted—."

"Shut up, Mokuba."

* * *

-A dream-

_Johaaaaaaaaaann._

"You again? What do you want now?"

_Your destiny will soon be upon you, but first, more multiple choice questions. What are you most afraid of?_

A. Getting old

B. Being different

C. Being indecisive

"More questions? I'm really afraid of dying."

_So "getting old"._

"No, that's not—!"

_What do you want out of life?_

A. To see rare sights

B. To broaden my horizons

C. To be strong

"_Uh, be strong, I guess. Wait, these questions sound familiar."_

Finally, what's most important to you?

A. Being number one

B. Friendship

C. My prize possessions

"Now I remember: you're ripping these questions from _Kingdom Hearts_!"

_Fine, We admit it: We got them from Kingdom Hearts. We like to see _you_ come up with these questions. Now, are you going to answer or not?_

"I'm not picking either of these. Love is most important to me."

_Either you pick one of these three options or you're not waking up._

"Fine! Being number one!"

_Okay, We're done for now. Based on your answers, your path…_

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann woke up to the sound of his doorknob rattling. He watched it wiggle some, then fall still. The door slowly swung open.

"Yes," a familiar voice whispered triumphantly, "now _I'm_ the master of unlocking."

"Mokuba?"

Johann sat up and demanded, "What are you doing in my house?!"

"Oh, you're awake! I'm here to give you some good news. Based on your dueling performance in the past few days, you are now in the Beginner Cup finals."

"So you broke into my house just to tell me that? Why not send an email?"

"Big Bro told me to personally send the news to all the finalists. Anyways, the finals are going to be held today in the Duelist Arena at 2:00. Don't be late!"

As soon as he had appeared, Mokuba left. Johann blinked at what had transpired.

_I'm in the finals?! I can't believe this! I gotta organize my deck, eat breakfast, shower…oh…_ohhhh_…the bike…I forgot to fix the bike._

* * *

**I posted two chapters in one day, and I probably won't post for another week or more. My consistency falls under the category of this story's logic: what's that?**

**Also, to be honest, I just threw in another dream questionnaire just cause I wanted to make the dream voice(s) a character.**

Para and Dox sat next to each other as they drank their beer.

"So, brother," Para said, "now that our main roles in the story are done, what will we do now?"

"'Now'?" Dox asked. "You mean we're no longer important to the story? Holy cow."

"Yes, holy cow. We were there, and now we are not."

"No more important scenes? Is this all this game has got?"

"Yes. So, what will we do, now that we are out of luck?"

"Keep drinking? Make a cameo on _Yu-Gi-Oh! GX_? At this point, I don't give a—."


	8. Part 8: Losershipping

**Warning: my grasp on the Abridged characters might be slipping.**

* * *

-Kaiba Corp Duel Arena-

Today was the big day: the finals of the Beginner's Cup. There were four finalists total: Johann, Joey, Yugi, and Bakura. Johann honestly thought there were going to be more finalists, but he was just glad that he was among them. It also didn't surprise him that Joey and Yugi were there, but he hadn't expected to see Bakura there.

_I hope I can face off with him._

"First of all," the announcer said to the large crowd, "I have an announcement from Herr Kaiba. Due to many complaints, a digital coin has now been installed into the system, as well as digital dice. There is now no longer a need for the real things. Also, the coin and dice results will be completely random, so any future complaints of them being rigged will go straight to voicemail."

"About time they fixed that." Joey said.

The other duelists nodded in agreement.

"And now for the duels. With each pairing, there will be two to three matches, with the overall winner taking the most matches. Duelists, wait in the locker room until you are called. The first match will begin in ten minutes. Use this time wisely."

The announcer walked off the stage and led the four duelists through a nearby door.

Through it was a hallway with a waiting room and a small KC card shop. Sitting in the waiting room were Grandpa, Tea, and Serenity. They all stood up once they saw the finalists.

"Yugi!" Tea said. "We're here to cheer you on!"

"Of course you are, Tea." Yugi rolled his eyes.

"Hey, what about me?" Joey asked.

"We're cheering for you, too, Joey." Serenity said.

"And me?" Bakura asked.

"Why would we cheer for you, Limey?" Tea asked.

"'Limey'?" Johann asked. "Why are you being mean to Bakura?"

"Um, because he's a Limey?"

"Also, have you seen the way he duels?" Yugi asked.

"Yes," Johann folded his arms, "and I think he's good. I'm actually glad…wait a minute, are you guys the 'friends' Bakura has that won't duel him?"

"Friends? With _Bakura_? You really don't know him, Johann. When he's not being a pathetic butt monkey, he's evil."

Johann clenched his jaw. "I don't believe you, Yugi. I thought the King of Games would be someone worthy of respect, but you're nothing but an asshole. Bakura's both a good duelist and a good sport, and you may not like him for it, but I do."

Everyone was silent for a few moments.

"Wow." Bakura said. "That's the first time anyone was nice to me. This has got to be the happiest moment of my life."

"Did you just call me an asshole?" Yugi said disbelievingly. "If anyone's an asshole, it's the Pharaoh, but not me."

_Geez, thanks a _lot_, Yugi. _Yami thought._ What a good partner _you_ are._

"The Pharaoh?" Johann asked. "Is that what you call that other you?"

"Yeah, among other things, like Ba—."

_Hush!_ Yami interrupted. _Don't you dare give away my identity!_

"Hold the phone," Tea spoke up, "Johann, you_ like_ Bakura? When I get home, I'm _totally_ going to write fanfiction about you two, and I'm going to call it Losershipping."

"What?" Johann asked.

"Losershipping?" Bakura joined in on the confusion.

The announcer walked back in and announced, "Johann Bocks and Joey Wheeler, you two are up."

"Alright! Let's do this!" Joey said enthusiastically.

"Yeah." Johann nodded, happy to forget about the previous topic.

"Give it your best, Johann." Grandpa finally spoke. "God, I feel like a proud parent."

"Grandpa, what about _me_, your _grandson_?" Yugi asked.

"Oh, I don't need to give you encouragement; I already know you're going to win."

"Yeah, a _little_ late for that, Grandpa."

The announcer led Joey and Johann back to the arena. He stepped up onto the platform and adjusted his speaker piece before speaking.

"And now for the first round of the semifinals: Johann Bocks versus Joey Wheeler!"

The two duelists looked at each other, then headed up to the dueling platform. The crowd cheered as they got into their positions and activated their Duel Disks. The announcer raised his arm straight into the air, then brought it down, saying, "Begin!"

"So we finally get to have a proper duel." Joey said.

"Yeah." Johann said.

"I'll make sure you don't get into the final round."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Brooklyn Rage!

"Alright," Johann said, "I'll start by summoning 'Shining Abyss' in attack mode!"

[Shining Abyss (1600/1800) is summoned.]

"I then place two cards facedown and end my turn."

"Okay then," Joey said, "I'll place one card facedown and summon my Time Wizard."

[Time Wizard (500/400) is summoned. A digital coin appears.]

"You know," Johann said, "this is the third time in a row you've summoned Time Wizard on your first turn. Do you even shuffle your deck?"

"Of course I do! It's just a coinkydink. I call tails!"

[The coin flips and lands on tails. Shining Abyss is destroyed.]

"Alright! Lady Luck finally smiles on me! I now attack you directly!"

[Time Wizard attacks and Johann loses 500 LP.]

"Yeah, lucky." Johann grumbled. "Well, I summon—."

"Acitvate 'Needle Wall'! Whenever my turn starts, I get to roll a dice and…you know how this works, right? I don't want to spend the whole duel explaining my cards."

"Yes, I know what 'Needle Wall' does, and I'm pissed about it. I summon 'Great White' and destroy your 'Time Wizard'."

[Great White (1600/800) appears in the center of the arena and destroys Time Wizard, dealing 1100 damage to Joey.]

Joey tried to keep calm. "Okay, now that it's my turn, my 'Needle Wall' activates."

[A die appears and rolls in midair. It lands on a 3. A wall appears behind Great White and needles shoot out, destroying it.]

"No way." Johann said. He looked at the announcer and asked, "Are you sure these things can't be rigged?"

"That's going straight to voicemail."

* * *

-Locker room-

Back in the locker room, everyone was watching the match on a small TV. Yugi, Tea, and Serenity cheered when they saw that Joey won the first round.

"That's one for Joey!" Yugi said. "If he can beat Johann one more time, he moves on to the final match."

"You know that we'll be dueling each other next, right Yugi?" Bakura asked.

"Yeah, about that: am I going to be dueling _you_ or _him_?"

"Me, I think. I haven't heard anything from the other me in some time, which reminds me: which one of _you_ will I be dueling?"

"Well, since the Pharaoh doesn't like 'dueling weaklings', as he puts it, I'll be the one going up against you."

"Attention, duelists!" A familiar voice called out. "My hair is selling snacks!"

Everyone turned their heads and saw the Hair Guy carrying a box full of chips and candy.

"Hey, I remember you!" Yugi exclaimed. "You're the Hair Guy from Duelist Kingdom! What are you doing here?"

"Well, ever since that story arc had ended, I had to look for a new job, so I decided to sell snacks to duelists during tournaments."

"And that's working out for you?"

"My hair gets everyone's attention, and business is good. Now, can my hair interest you in buying some snacks?"

"Yeah, I could go for some chips."

"I'd like some candy." Serenity said.

While they made their transactions, Grandpa announced, "Johann won the second round!"

"No way!" Tea said.

"If he wins one more time," Yugi said, "then I'll have to face _him_ in the final round."

"Or maybe I could face off with him." Bakura suggested.

"Ah ha ha…heh, that's pretty funny. You make it sound like you can beat me when really, you have no chance of winning."

"Oh gosh," Serenity said as she watched the TV, "it looks like Joey's going to beat Johann."

"Really?!" Tea asked. She shouted at the TV, "Kick his ass, Joey!"

* * *

-Duelist Arena-

[Joey has Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon (2800/2400) and Alligator's Sword (1500/1200), and has 3500 LP. Johann has Sanga of the Thunder (2600/2200) and 1300 LP.]

"It's over, Johann!" Joey said. "I attack with my 'Red-Eyes'!"

"Nuh-uh." Johann said. "I activate 'Sanga's special ability, making your monster's ATK 0 for this turn."

[Red-Eyes attacks and is destroyed. Joey loses 2600 LP.]

"Are you kidding me?!" Joey exclaimed.

"And now, I attack your remaining monster!"

[Sanga destroys Alligator's Sword, bringing Joey's LP to 0.]

"The winner!" The announcer pointed at Johann. "Johann Bocks!"

Joey's Brooklyn Rage was drowned out by the cheering crowd. When everyone settled down, he and Johann were led back to the locker room. They were met with mixed greetings.

"You did a good job, Johann!" Bakura praised.

"Joey, I can't believe you lost to this guy." Yugi said.

"I am never friending you on Facebook, you ****er." Tea said angrily to Johann.

"You gave it your best, Joey." Serenity said to her brother, trying to lessen his angry mood.

Grandpa snored in his chair.

"Yugi Muto and Ryo Bakura," the announcer spoke up, "you're up next."

"Well, at least I can vent out my anger on him." Yugi grumbled as he and Bakura followed the announcer out of the locker room.

Trying to diffuse the tension in the room, Johann said to Joey, "That was a close one, Joey. You almost had me."

"Shut up and stop trying to show good sportsmanship." Joey turned his back to him.

"I'm not speaking to you." Tea also turned her back.

_Wow. Why do they hate me so much? Is it because I was nice to Bakura? No, it's got to be something else._

Johann sat in a chair and watched the match on the television.

"The second round: Ryo Bakura versus Yugi Muto! Begin!"

"Duel!"

Occult Deck vs. Baby Panda

"I'll start by putting two cards facedown and summoning 'Bloody Mary'." Bakura said.

[A mirror housing Bloody Mary (1000/1000) appears.]

"If anyone says 'Bloody Mary' three times," he explained, "then he takes 1000 points of damage."

"And, uh, what's the card's name again?" Yugi asked.

"It's 'Bloody Mary', I just—oh bugger."

[The mirror turns around. Bloody Mary jumps out and attacks Bakura for 1000 damage.]

"You tricked me!" He accused.

"Oh come on, you obviously set yourself up for that." Yugi said. "I now summon—."

"Attention, duelists!" The Hair Guy announced. "My hair is also selling drinks!"

Joey looked at him and asked, "Aren't you that Hair Guy from Duelist Kingdom?"

"The one and only. My hair is like no other."

"Not really. Tristan's hair looks like yours."

"That's because my hair is Tristan's father."

"…Wow. Why am I not surprised?"

"I'm not even going to ask." Johann said.

"Now that I think about it," Tea said, "where did you get those drinks? Wasn't that box full of snacks earlier?"

"My hair has hammerspace." The Hair Guy said.

"I'd like a root beer, please." Serenity said.

"You know what, I could go for one, too." Johann said.

After they had made their purchases, the announcer from the TV said, "The winner! Yugi Muto!"

"Huh? It's over already?" Johann asked.

"Everything has this odd wibbily wobbly timey wimey thing going on, but it really shows during duels." Joey explained. "When you're watching a duel, it can take hours, but turn your back for a second and it's over. Nobody gets it, so don't ask."

"We will now have a ten minute recess before the final match." The announcer said as the two duelists left the arena.

"Well, at least there's time to drink my soda." Johann shrugged.

Yugi and Bakura reentered the room, with the former looking smug and the latter looking depressed. Johann said to Bakura, "You did good."

"No way." Yugi said. "Honestly, I have no idea how he even got to the finals."

"Yugi, I've said this once and I'll say it again: you're an asshole."

"If you think I'm bad, wait until you duel the Pharaoh. I'm a sweet, innocent baby panda compared to him."

_Aha!_ Yami thought. _You _are_ a baby panda! I just knew it!_

_No, I'm still not a baby panda_, Yugi thought back, _I was just making a comparison._

"I've already talked to him, and he may be a big ham, but he's not that bad."

_Of course I'm a ham;_ _I'm voiced by Dan Green!_

"You don't know because you haven't dueled him yet."

Johann started drinking his soda when the announcer came back in. He said, "Johann Bocks and Yugi Muto, it's time for the final round."

Johann nearly spat his soda out in surprise. He gulped it down and said, "But ten minutes can't be up already!"

"What did I tell ya?" Joey said. "Wibbily wobbly timey wimey stuff."

The finalists followed the announcer back to the arena. The crowd went nuts as they watched them take their positions. The announcer said, "And now, the final round of the Beginner's Cup! Johann Bocks versus Yugi Muto! Begin!"

"There's no way you're going to win." Yugi taunted.

"We'll see about that." Johann said.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Baby Panda

"Unlike you," Yugi said as he drew a card, "I have the Heart of the Cards on my side. For my first turn, I…"

His voice trailed off when he saw his hand. He had nothing but spell and trap cards.

_Pharaoh!_ He thought. _The Heart of the Cards isn't working!_

_Well, when was the last time you praised it?_

_Um…last month?_

_Then that's why it's not working for you. You don't praise and respect it, it doesn't help you._

_This is _so_ not super special awesome…_

_Cheer up. This is only the first round. Even if you lose this one, you can win the other two. We're the main characters, so there's no way we can lose._

_Yeah, you're right. We can win this for sure!_

* * *

-Two rounds later-

"The Beginner's Cup duels have ended, and we have a winner: Johann Bocks!"

"Yeah!" Johann fist-pumped. "I won!"

The crowd went into an uproar. Everyone from the waiting room walked out into the arena and stared at Johann and Yugi.

"This has got to be a bad dream." Tea said.

"No it's not." Joey frowned. "If this was a dream, I would be in a dog costume."

The announcer walked up to Johann and said, "As the champion of the Beginner's Cup, you are automatically registered in the upcoming Expert's Cup. You also receive 1000 KP and some cards from Herr Kaiba's personal vault."

_That's not right!_ Yugi thought. _Kaiba's cards should be mine! That's it: no more playing around. When the Expert's Cup comes, I'll have my good deck._

_We will have our revenge._ Yami thought.

A uniformed man suddenly ran up onto the platform and whispered something into the announcer's ear.

"Was zum Teufel!?" The announcer exclaimed. "What do you mean the prize is missing?! Where were those lousy security guards?!"

"Herr Kaiba fired them during last week's downsizing." The man's head drooped.

"The prize is gone?" Johann asked. "What are we going to do?"

"We find the thief, of course!" Yugi said, his mood suddenly enthusiastic.

"You do that." The announcer said. "We'll look over the security cameras to see if they saw anything."

Yugi ran over to Joey and said, "You'll help too, right Joey?"

"Yugi, what's gotten into you?" He asked. "Why do you want to help Johann get his prize back?"

"Think about it," Yugi lowered his voice, "if we find the thief, we can get the cards to ourselves, then we can tell Johann we couldn't find him."

Joey grinned evilly. "I like that plan, Yug."

_You're not honestly going to split the prize with Joey, are you?_ Yami asked.

_No way. If I find the thief first, I'm keeping them all to myself._

_Good thinking, Yugi. You make me proud._

* * *

**In the original game, it was just the OC, Joey, and Yugi in the finals. They never mentioned who Yugi dueled in the semifinals, so I threw Bakrua in there.**

Tea typed furiously on her computer. When she was done, she looked over what she had written. She cleared her throat and started reading her words out loud.

"'_Ryo fidgeted slightly as he said, "Johann, I have something to tell you." "What is it?" Johann asked. "Y-you see…" Ryo blushed. "I…love you. You're the only one who's been nice to me, aside from my mummy. U-Um…I don't know if you love me back, but—." "Of course I do, you limey fruitcake."_

" '_Johann wrapped his arms around him and kissed him firmly on the lips. Both boys moaned as they made out. They had both known all along that they loved each other, and now they were showing that special love to each other. They eventually broke apart so that they could breathe. 'Let me make love to you sweetheart.' Johann breathed'_…huh?"

Tea noticed something wet dripping from her nose as she read on. She wiped it and saw that it was blood. She said, "Damn, I'm good at this. This might be better than my HarryxHedwig fanfic…though I doubt that Losershipping will catch on."


	9. Part 9: Only in America

**Warning: it appears that the majority of the reviews are coming from my two biggest fans: lalalei and AnimaniAshley (glad you both like what I got so far, by the way). Other readers, don't be afraid to pitch in a review, whether it's praise for what I'm doing right or constructive criticism for what I'm doing wrong, just no flames, please.**

* * *

-Outside-

"Where do we even start?" Johann asked Joey and Yugi.

Yugi's Millennium Puzzle illuminated with a brilliant light and Yami took his place. He said, "We do it the way heroes in video games do it: ask each and every person we see."

"But that's too time consuming."

"You got a better idea, Sherlock?"

"Well, no."

"Then let's split up gang!" Joey said.

"Joey," Yami scolded, "we make a lot of good references, but 'Scooby Doo' is not one of them."

"Nyeh? Why not?"

"Because when I think about 'Scooby Doo', I think about Scrappy, and when I think about Scrappy, I think about people like Johann."

_Wow,_ Johann thought, _Yugi was right: this guy _is_ the bigger asshole._

"Right," Johann sighed, "let's just split up."

Johann decided to ask the people near the arena. Unfortunately, he could not get any leads. Half an hour of fruitless questioning later, he finally found someone who saw something.

"Yeah," she said, "I saw a suspicious person with blond hair run out of the arena some time ago."

_Suspicious and has blond hair. Not much to go on._

He soon met up with Joey and Yami.

"So," Joey said, "find anything?"

"Yeah," Johann nodded, "apparently, the thief has blond hair."

Both he and Yami looked at Joey suspiciously.

"Joey…" Yami said warningly.

"Hey! I didn't take it! I was in the locker room the whole time, just ask Tea and Serenity!"

"What are you getting so upset about, Joey?" A voice asked.

A busty woman with blond hair and purple clothes approached the group.

"Mai!" Joey said. "What are you doing here?"

"You're asking me, a duelist, what I'm doing here, near a duelist arena? I was watching the finals, and Joey, I can't believe you lost to some random kid."

"Hey." Johann snapped. "I'm not 'some random kid'."

"You are in our point of view." Yami said.

"We're trying to find the thief that took Johann's prize." Joey explained to Mai. "We've just found out that they have blond hair—wait a minute, you have blond hair, Mai."

Mai scowled. "And you suspect _me_?"

"Well, you _do _have blond hair, and I've always found those boobs to be suspicious. I mean, are those even real?"

"You insensitive jerk!"

Mai slapped Joey's face and stormed off. He rubbed the red handprint shaped mark on his cheek and asked, "I wonder if she's mad at me?"

"And you wonder why you never score any chicks." Yami rolled his eyes.

"No duh." Johann said.

"Yeah, I think I should go apologize to her."

Joey ran off in the direction Mai left. The witness Johan spoke to earlier stepped forward and said, "Actually, that person wasn't a woman."

"You could have said that earlier." Johann groaned. "Any other details you can give us?"

"Yes, it was a big man with a flag on his head."

"Well, that narrows it down to one person." Yami said. "We better find him before Joey does."

"Before Joey does?" Johann asked. "Why?"

"Oh, no reason."

* * *

-Construction site-

Johann and Yami looked for the thief for hours, and it was sunset when they heard a familiar voice cry out in pain. They followed the voice to a construction site, and the first thing they saw was Joey on the ground. They ran to his side and, upon closer inspection, saw that he was thoroughly beaten up.

"Joey!" Yami exclaimed. "Who did this to you?"

Joey groaned weakly. "I just…had to…risk…life…for…trading cards."

Johann clenched his fists. "I'll get whoever did this to you."

Someone laughed and stepped out of hiding from behind one of the unfinished walls. It was a big man with a bandana on his head that looked like the American flag. He asked, "Really? How can a nobody like you get payback?"

"Bandit Keith." Yami said. "I figured you did this."

"I just gave this chump a traditional American greeting…from America! Really, it was his fault that he wanted to fight me instead of dueling me in a children's card game."

"You want to duel?" Johann challenged. "I'll give you a duel. I'll avenge Joey and get my prize back."

"Johann," Yami said slowly, "are you actually challenging Bandit Keith to a duel?"

"You guys keep saying that you solve your problems by dueling, and seeing that this guy believes that too, I'll just go with it."

Yami would not openly admit, but annoyed as he was about this kid, he was a little bit glad that he was finally starting to get how things worked around here.

"You think you can beat me?" Bandit Keith laughed. "You may be the new Beginner's champion, but that's all you are: a beginner, a rookie, a kid that can't even put a scratch on me! Let me show you how real men play…in America!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. In America!

The familiar dark fog appeared and covered the ground. The stars in the sky seemed to vanish and the shadows started moving. A chill went down Johann's spine when he realized what was happening.

"Another Shadow Game?!"

"Okay," Yami spoke up, "first the Paradox Brothers, now Bandit Keith. How are you guys able to initiate Shadow Games without a Millennium Item? Did all the minor villains in this series make a deal with the card game devil or something?"

"Sorry, but I'm not allowed to say anything." Bandit Keith wagged a finger. "I'll start off by placing a monster face down."

_Okay, don't panic, Johann._

"I'll place a card face down," Johann said, "and I summon 'Neo the Magic Swordsman' to attack your monster."

[Neo (1700/1000) is summoned. It attacks the monster, which turns out to be a Blast Sphere (1400/1400). It latches onto Neo.]

"Huh? What is that thing?"

"My turn," Bandit Keith said smugly, "I place a card facedown, summon 'Robotic Knight', and end my turn."

[Robotic Knight (1600/1800) appears.]

"Hold on! You didn't even explain—."

[Blast Sphere explodes, taking Neo out with it. Johann loses 1700 LP.]

"Does that explain it?" Bandit Keith asked sarcastically. "It's a bomb and it blows up your monster."

"Most people explain what an effect monster or card does."

"I don't do that kind of sissy thing. Why explain what something does when you could be using that time to kick your opponent's ass…in America?!"

"If that's how it is, then I better start kicking _your_ ass."

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Johann has 2500 LP, two cards facedown, and the monsters Maha Vailo (1550/1400), Copycat (1850/800), and Battle Ox (1700/1000). Bandit Keith has 5500 LP and two Mechanicalchasers (1850/800).]

"And now," Bandit Keith announced, "I sacrifice both 'Mechanicalchasers' to summon 'Optimus Prime'!"

[Monsters are sacrificed and replaced with Michael Bay's version of Optimus Prime (2800/2200).]

"You went with Bay's version of Optimus?" Yami asked. "Laaaaaaame."

"Hey!" Bandit Keith snapped. "You do _not_ insult Michael Bay! Insulting Michael Bay mean insulting America, and insulting America mean insulting me!"

"Yeah, I know, that's why I said that."

"Optimus, destroy Maha Vailo!"

"'Negate Attack'!" Johann declared.

[Negate Attack is played and the attack is cancelled.]

"I now activate my other card, 'Fissure'!" He went on.

[Fissure destroys Optimus Prime.]

"Next, I sacrifice 'Maha Vailo' to summon 'Firewing Pegasus'!"

[Monster is sacrificed and replaced by Firewing Pegasus (2250/1800).]

"Bandit Keith, consider yourself pwned!"

[All monsters attack, bringing Bandit Keith's LP to 0.]

"No way!" He shouted. "I _had_ you, you twerp!" He pointed a finger at Johann. "You, don't think you're better than me just because you beat me once. Next time, I'll destroy you…in America!"

"Hold it! Give me back my prize!"

"Prize? What prize?"

"Don't play dumb," Yami said, "we all know you stole the grand prize."

"If I did, then I wouldn't give it back. See you around, chumps!"

Bandit Keith turned around and ran off. Johann was about to run after him when he glanced at Joey. He couldn't leave him like that, so he went back to his side.

"Johann, what are you doing?" Yami asked. "You're letting Keith get away!"

"We can't leave Joey like this." Johann told him.

"You may not, but I can!"

Yami ran off after Bandit Keith.

_So he's choosing _my_ prize over his friend? I can't believe him._

Joey stirred and opened his eyes. He sat up and shouted, "Keith! Where's Bandit Keith?!"

"He and Yugi took off that way." Johann pointed in their direction.

Joey got to his feet and bolted after them, saying, "Great! There's still a chance for me to get that prize!"

Johann was stunned for a moment at what he had heard. He hollered, "You just wanted my prize, you selfish bastards?! That's it: that's the last time I'm being nice to you!"

* * *

-Kaiba Mansion-

Kaiba paced back and forth in his room. He was waiting for any word on the thief that stole the grand prize. He stopped when Mokuba entered the room.

"Well?" He asked his younger brother.

"The security cameras have identified the thief as Bandit Keith," Mokuba reported, "but no one's been able to catch him."

"I suppose it's time to pull out the big guns. Tell everyone at work to use every resource KaibaCorp has. I'll get the new Duel Disk components and hand them out to duelists first thing tomorrow. We are going to find that ****er and we are going to show him why no one crosses Seto Kaiba."

"Um, big brother? When did KaibaCorp get the resources of the FBI?"

"Shut up, Mokuba."

Kaiba went to his desk and pulled out one of the drawers. He frowned and shut the drawer. He asked, "Mokuba, did you take my lock pick pouch?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Give. It. Back. _Now_.

Mokuba sheepishly took out a black pouch and handed it to Kaiba. He snatched it out of his hand and briskly walked out of the room. His younger brother called out, "Where are you breaking in this time?"

"Breaking in? No, Mokuba, I'm going to be making some house calls."

* * *

**Damn, I'm on a roll with this fanfiction. Let's see how long it lasts this time.**

"Grandpa," Yugi said as he shook him by the shoulders, "wake up already. The tournament was over hours ago."

Grandpa stirred in his seat and opened his eyes. He yawned, then exclaimed, "Oh! I missed the whole thing! You won, right?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Really? Who are you and what have you done with my grandson?"

"Grandpa, you were out for several hours; we should get you home."

"Hours? Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"

"Actually, we all kind of forgot about you. By the time I remembered, the stadium was closed for the night. I had to convince the janitor to open the door so that I could come get you."

"Well, better now than later, I suppose." He yawned again. "Okay, let's—."

He closed his eyes and started snoring.

"Oh for ****'s sake."


	10. Part 10: The Johann Show

**Warning: the "cannot tell fiction from reality" trope is invoked in this chapter.**

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann woke up the next morning to the sound of his doorknob rattling. A sense of déjà vu hit him when he watched the doorknob slowly turn. He got out of bed just in time for the door to creak open.

"Mokuba," he heard a voice whisper, "no matter how many times you take my lock picks and use them, _I_ will always be the real master of unlocking."

The door opened wider to reveal Seto Kaiba. In his hands were a pouch and a lock pick. Next to him was a metal suitcase. Johann and Kaiba stared at each other.

"You!" Johann pointed at him.

"Yes," Kaiba said, "I am Seto Kaiba, president of KaibaCorp. You must be Johann Bocks, winner of the Beginner's Cup."

"I am, and you've broken into my house!"

"So?"

"That's against the law!"

"Screw the law, I have money, but we're not here to talk about that. You're pissed at that thief for taking your prize, right?"

"Yeah, just like I'm pissed at you for breaking in."

Ignoring that remark, Kaiba opened the suitcase and showed its contents to Johann. Inside were some mechanical pieces that looked like they would fit on a Duel Disk. Kaiba picked up Johann's Duel Disk and started fitting the parts onto it.

"I'm giving you upgrade parts to your Duel Disk." He explained. "On the Duel Radar, you can now see the strength level of the duelists you find. The thief is a duelist, and a strong one at that, so you should be able to find him easily. I'm also going to give these to the other duelists to help with the search."

When he was done, he held the Duel Disk out to Johann. "You want revenge, right?"

Johann thought back to last night and frowned. Not only was his prize stolen, but he found out that Yugi and Joey were also after it. They were probably still looking for him, and he had to get what was his before they did. He took the Duel Disk and said, "Yeah."

"Of course you do." Kaiba said. "Well, go get some."

He closed his briefcase and turned to leave. Just as he was out through the door, he stopped and said, "By the way, those parts add $25,000 to the Duel Disk's damage fine, so you better not lose or damage the thing or you'll be forced to work for KaibaCorp for the rest of your life."

With that said, he left. Johann looked at his Duel Disk and set it carefully on his bed. He got dressed and had breakfast before he turned his attention back to it. He fitted it on his arm and turned it on. In addition to seeing little dots and hearing beeps on the radar, he could now see stars next to the dots. Most of them had one star, but there were a few that had two stars.

"Alright," Johann said to himself, "let's do this."

* * *

-Shopping district-

Johann ignored everyone that had one or two stars and focused on the dots that had three or more stars. He had already checked the residential streets, Konami mountain, and the pier, but with no luck. He doubted that with so many people looking for him, Bandit Keith would stay stationary. He did not like the fact that he would have to recheck places once he had covered the whole city. He was also worried that he might have gone to another city altogether.

As that worry crossed his mind, he finally saw a dot with three stars. He followed the signal to a burger shop. Sitting at one of the outdoor tables was Yugi, who was eating a burger. Johann approached him and slammed his hand on the table. Startled, Yugi looked up and he blinked when he saw Johann glaring at him.

"Uh…"

"You and Joey pretended to help me," Johann growled, "when all you really wanted was my prize. Yugi, do you have something against me, or were you always this selfish?"

Yugi set his burger down and asked, "You want me to be honest with you? Fine. I was playing card games before it was cool, and I'm pretty damned good at it."

The Puzzle flashed and Yami took over. "Actually, I'm the good one here. Yugi was a wimp before I came along. Anyways, we here in the Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged universe may not always take our roles seriously, but they're still ours, dammit. I'm the King of Games, Kaiba's a loser, Joey's the annoying best friend, Tea's a whore, and Tristan is…well, Tristan. Everything was right until you came along.

"We all have our places; you, an original character, do not. Yugi was only playing around when he had that weak deck, but now that you've beaten him in the tournament, playtime's over. You've already won the Beginner's Cup, but there's going to be another tournament after that. After _that_, you may become the next King of Games, and I can't allow that to happen. I know that, and everyone around me knows it. That's why we don't like you."

Johann's face darkened. He slowly said, "Wow. Not only are you selfish, you are also egotistical."

"Me? Egotistical? That fits Kaiba more than—."

"You don't like me because you see me as a threat to your title. You're afraid I'm going to be a better duelist than you. Also, 'The Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged universe'? Are you kidding? You think everything centers around you and your friends?"

"Of course it does, that's why the show called 'Yu-Gi-Oh!'. I thought you knew…" Yami's eyes widened. "Wait a minute…Johann, you think that all of this is _real_?"

"'All this'? What are you talking about? Of course it's real!"

"You sad, strange little man. I hate to break it to you—actually, I'd love to break it to you: this is all just a fanfiction based on our show."

"Fanfiction? Show?" Johann couldn't believe what this guy was saying. "You're crazy, you know that? I played along with your throwaway terms because I thought you were joking, but now I see that you and your friends are all delusional, selfish egotists. I used to respect you, you know that? Well, no more. I'm going to get my prize back, and I'm through with you."

Johann turned and walked away. Yami folded his arms and lowered his head.

_You know,_ Yugi thought, _this is suddenly turning into_ Toy Story_, and Johann is Buzz Lightyear. I don't know about you, Pharaoh, but I'm starting to feel sorry for him._

_I don't, _Yami thought back_, I'm going to have a fun time watching him squirm when he finds out the truth. Now, are we done eating? I want to get those cards before anyone else does._

* * *

-Near the river-

Johann did not find another three star signal until it was close to dark. It was not one signal, but two, that made put him on the alert. One of them had to be Bandit Keith, and the other either Yugi or Joey. He ran towards the direction of the signals.

When had arrived, he saw both Yami and Joey standing next to each other. Their radars beeped and they looked at Johann. Breathless, he said, "I thought one of you was Bandit Keith."

"That's what we thought too." Joey said. "But it only looks like we've found each other."

Their radars beeped again. There were two more three star signals, and they were heading towards their direction.

"My danger senses are tingling." Yami said.

Someone familiar came into viewing range: Bandit Keith.

"So we all meet again." He said smugly.

"Give me back my cards, Keith." Johann said.

"Again with that? You're like an annoying pimple that refuses to go away."

"Oh you have _no_ idea." Yami said.

"I said that I was going to destroy you next time, and now you're really going to get it!"

Johann and Bandit Keith were about to activate their Duel Disks when a new voice said, "Don't be so hasty, Bandit Keith. Let me talk to the boy."

The owner of the other signal came into view. It was a man in a red suit. He had long, silver hair which covered his left eye. Bandit Keith backed away and said, "I-I'm sorry, sir."

"Pegasus?" Joey asked. "What are you doing here?"

"And why did Bandit Keith call you sir?" Yami asked. "Last I saw you two together, he had an invisible gun to your head and you dropped him through a trap floor."

"Times change, Yugi-boy." Pegasus said. "Bandit Keith here works for me now."

"Wait a minute," Johann said, "_you're_ Maximillian Pegasus, the creator of Duel Monsters?! You had Bandit Keith steal my prize? Why?"

"Ah yes, you. You must be the lucky winner, Johann Bocks. I've absolutely wanted to meet you in person. I've heard all sorts of fabulous things about you, you know: a young, ordinary boy with no previous reputation who made his way through to the Beginner Cup finals. No one expected you to beat Yugi-boy, but here you stand, the tournament's newest champion."

"I'm flattered you wanted to see me, sir, but you didn't have to steal my prize."

Pegasus clapped his hands once and laughed. "Such manners! Yugi-boy and the mutt could learn a thing or two from you."

"That's because he doesn't know what a scumbag you really are!" Joey snapped.

"Scumbag?" Johann asked.

"Johann," Yami said, "this man stole my grandpa's soul and I had to enter the Duelist Kingdom tournament just to get it back, and he did all that just so he could get my Millennium Puzzle."

"Quite right," Pegasus nodded, "but I'm past that stage in my life now."

"Wait," Johann said, "you're admitting to what Yugi just said? You actually did all that? You…stole Grandpa's _soul_?"

"Admitting it is the first step for moving on. Now, boy, I would like to duel you personally. If against all the odds you win, I'll give you your cards back."

"What?" Bandit Keith spoke up. "But these cards are the rightful property of America!"

"Oh? Are you saying that I'm going to lose? I find your lack of faith disturbing, Keith."

"S-sorry sir. You can beat this kid for sure!"

_Oh God, a duel with Pegasus himself. I have to give it my best._

"Challenge accepted." Johann said.

"Is it odd that I find myself rooting for Pegasus?" Yami asked Joey.

"Nope." He answered. "I'm also placing my bets on this campy goon."

"What supportive friends you have." Pegasus said as he started up his Duel Disk.

"They're not my friends." Johann said as he also booted up his Duel Disk.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Faaaaaabulous!

To no one's surprise, the dark fog had reappeared.

"Oh yes," Pegasus said, "I forgot to tell: this is a Shadow Game. If you lose, you—."

"I lose my soul." Johann said. "I know; this is my fourth Shadow Game."

"I can kind of understand Pegasus initiating a Shadow Game," Yami said, "but he lost his Millennium Eye, so he shouldn't have that ability any longer."

"True," Pegasus agreed, "but I'm afraid that telling you how I got that power back would be spoiling the plot, and that would simply be unfabulous."

"'The plot'?" Johann groaned. "Not you, too. It was bad enough—you know what: forget it. I'll just start by placing a card face down and summoning 'Muka Muka' in attack mode."

[Muka Muka (600/300) is summoned. Johann has four cards in his hand, so it becomes (1800/1500).]

"Very well, boy," Pegasus smirked, "I place one card facedown and play 'Toon World'."

[A very cartoony story book appears and opens up, showing a pop-up castle. Pegasus loses 1000 LP.]

"With 'Toon World' in effect, I can now freely summon my Toons, and I'll start by summoning 'Roger Rabbit'."

[Roger Rabbit (1550/1200) pops out of the storybook.]

"Sadly, he cannot attack on the turn he is summoned, so consider yourself fortunate for the moment."

"Toons." Johann said. "You have _Toons_ for monsters? I thought the creator of Duel Monsters would have more awesome cards than Toons."

"I know," Yami said, "he's pretty much a man-child that never stopped watching Saturday Morning Cartoons."

"I didn't ask _you_."

"Hey now," Pegasus glared, "there's nothing wrong with a grown man watching cartoons. Now, what are you going to do, boy?"

"Me? I'm going to play 'De-Spell'."

[The spell destroys Toon World, and Roger Rabbit along with it.]

"I summon 'Shining Abyss' and I attack with both monsters."

[Shining Abyss (1600/1800) appears and both it and Muka Muka attack.]

"Not so fast," Pegasus said, "I play 'Scapegoat'."

[Four sheep appear on the field and block Johann's monsters. Two of them are destroyed in the attack.]

"You got to do better than that, Pegasus," Johann said, "otherwise, consider yourself pwned."

"Johann," Yami said, "you're not trying to turn that into your catchphrase, are you?"

"If it annoys you, then yes: it's going to be my catchphrase."

"It'll never catch on, just like Joey's Brooklyn Rage."

"That's not true!" Joey said. "My catchphrase became popular outside the Abridged series."

"Sure, you keep telling yourself that, Joey."

* * *

-Many turns later-

Everyone stared at what had transpired: Johann had just beaten Pegasus.

"Noooooooo!" Pegasus wailed as he dramatically dropped to his knees. "I can't believe you beat me!"

"Damn it!" Bandit Keith swore. "You want your prize so badly? Take it!"

He threw a small box at Johann, which landed on the ground and tumbled towards him. Both Pegasus and Bandit Keith ran off without another word. Johann picked up the box and opened it.

"Finally!" Johann said as he took out five cards. "Let's see what I—_son of a bitch_!"

All the cards were 'Trolls' (0/0).

Yami and Joey looked over his shoulder and their jaws dropped. Joey said, "That sneaky Bandit Keith must have swapped them for the real prize cards!"

"He didn't." A familiar voice said. "That's the actual prize."

They turned around and saw Kaiba standing a couple feet away from them. He went on, "You didn't actually think I would give you some cards from my personal vault for winning the _Beginner_ Cup, did you? If you want a real prize, prove yourself at the Expert Cup."

"You're horrible, you know that?" Johann said.

Yugi took Yami's place. "So let me get this straight: you gave a bunch of duelists these expensive upgrade parts to catch a thief to get back a prize that's not actually worth anything? We could have avoided all this if you had just told us that the prize was crap."

"I could have," Kaiba said, "but I really just wanted to send a message to the thief."

"That friends are worth more than trading cards?"

"No: that you don't **** with Seto Kaiba."

Joey looked at Johann and said, "Johann, I think I owe you an apology. I've been a pretty big jerk about the whole thing."

Johann put the cards back in the box and said, "Yeah, you have, but at least you've admitted to being a jerk, unlike some people."

"Hey," Yugi said, "who _wouldn't_ want to take rare cards from Kaiba's vault? I bet you would have acted the same was if I won them."

"No, I wouldn't."

"You know, that's another reason why I don't like you: you think you're a saint, being kind and showing good sportsmanship and all that. Real people don't act that way."

"I don't think—!"

"I hate to cut this soap opera short," Kaiba interrupted, "but I have an announcement to make. Johann and Yugi, you are qualified for the Expert Cup preliminaries. Come to the Akihabara train station tomorrow morning and you'll hear all the details."

"Wait," Yugi said slowly, "did you just say—?"

"Akihabara?" Johann finished for him.

"Don't tell me the tournament's going to take place there!" Joey exclaimed.

"Yes it is, Wheeler," Kaiba said, "but I never told _you_ to come."

"Are you crazy?!" Yugi asked. "That place is Geek City! Otakus swarm there like rats on a ship! We'll never make it out of there alive!"

"I really hope that's the case, but that's not why I picked Akihabara to host the Expert Cup tournament. As you've just said, it's swarming with otakus, and otakus have money. If every otaku bought tickets to see the semifinal and final rounds, do you have any idea how much money I would make? Enough to build a second Kaiba Land, that's how much. The tournament starts tomorrow, so be there or be square."

Kaiba flipped his coattails dramatically and walked off.

"Akihabara." Yugi muttered. "Can this get any worse?"

"Akihabara." For the first time today, Johann grinned. "This is going to be awesome! I'm gonna buy manga and video games, go to the arcades…!"

Joey and Yugi let out a collective groan.

* * *

**Yeah, so Johann thinks all of this is real. This is not going to end well for him.**

Johann stared at his still broken bike. He kept telling himself that he was going to fix it, but he had been putting it off. Now that he was taking a train to Akihabara, he no longer felt any hurry to fix it. He went back to his room and decided to look over his deck before he went to bed.

_Huh?_

While he went through each card, he thought he saw one of the pictures move. He rubbed his eyes and looked again, but he saw nothing unusual. He placed his deck back into his Duel Disk.

_Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep? Makes sense, since I keep having those Mokey Mokey nightmares._


	11. Part 11: Freaks, Geeks, and Boobies

**Warning: some words and descriptions have been censored to preserve the readers' sanities.**

* * *

-Akihabara train station-

Yugi and Joey arrived at the station early, along with a couple of other duelists that had no bearing to the story. A big TV was set up, most likely placed there by Kaiba to broadcast the announcement, but it was currently showing static. To pass the time, they sat on a bench and snacked on some chocolate.

"Joey," Yugi suddenly said, "there's something wrong with Johann."

"Nyeh?" Joey said.

"The Pharaoh talked to him yesterday, and that kid actually thinks everything in this setting is real. Not only that, but he's the Beginner Cup champion _and_ he managed to beat Pegasus in a duel."

"What are you getting at, Yug?"

"I'm saying that he's not just some character. I suspect that he's turning into a Gary Stu."

Joey stopped eating his chocolate. "A Gary Stu? You mean everyone's going to like him and he's going to win duels all the time?"

"Possibly, but it's only a suspicion. I heard from Bakura that they had dueled before, with Johann losing, so he hasn't won every duel. Also, there's the fact that none of us like him. However, he seems to have gained the favor of Grandpa, Bakura, and even you."

"Me?"

"Well, why did you apologize to him yesterday?"

"Well, because I felt bad about wanting to take his cards."

"Joey, you've fallen under the Stu's spell."

"I—Nyeh?!" Joey dropped his chocolate in surprise. "How do we stop this?!"

"I would suggest killing him, but unfortunately, we're the good guys, not to mention that killing has been replaced with 'banished to the Shadow Realm' in this fanfiction, just like our show. I can only hope that someone sends him to the Shadow Realm. Given that every villain has that power, though, it's going to happen sooner or later."

A train pulled in and many people clambered out. Most were people who had actual jobs, but there were a bunch of duelists, too, one of them being Johann. He had a big grin on his face, as did a couple of other duelists. He briefly made eye contact with Yugi, but quickly turned his head away.

The station clock chimed 8:00 and the TV came on. Every duelist watched as Kaiba's face appeared on it.

"Alright, losers," Kaiba said, "you're here because you want to win the Expert Cup. The rules of the Beginner Cup apply here too: beat each other in duels until the plot decides to move along. There are only two differences. One, there will be eight finalists instead of four. Two, nobody is going to be messing around. For anyone who can't handle the competition, this is your last chance to get the hell out of here and back to your knitting."

He paused for a couple of seconds before continuing, "You're all still here? Good. Battle, win, and survive! Let the games begin."

The TV shut itself off. Right off the bat, duelists were challenging each other and moving to more open spaces to have their duels. Johann looked around for someone new to duel.

"Hi there!" A small voice spoke.

He looked and saw a little girl with blond hair and a pink sweater. In addition to a Duel Disk, she was also carrying a small brown teddy bear wearing green overalls. This was the youngest looking duelist he had seen so far.

"You're the Beginner Cup champion, right?" The girl asked. "I'm Rebecca, and this is Teddy."

She held up her bear, which said in an evil voice, "**Your mother plays card games in hell!**"

Johann blinked and said, "That's not funny."

"Oh, don't mind Teddy; he's always like that."

"**Hail Satan!**"

_Great, another weird one._

"So," Johann changed the subject, "you're here for the Expert Cup?"

"Yup! I'm the American champion you know, hence why I got invited here by Seto Kaiba. You want to duel?"

"Sure, but don't expect me to go easy on you just cause I'm older than you."

"By the time this duel is over, you won't dare treat me like a kid."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs Satanic Powers

"Uh…about your deck name…"

"You like it?" Rebecca asked. "Teddy picked it out."

"**Tremble before my Satanic powers!**"

"Yeah, I get that."

"I'll place a card facedown and end my turn."

"Got a bad hand? Oh well, free hit for me. I summon 'Battle Ox' and attack you directly."

[Battle Ox (1700/1000) is summoned and moves to attack.]

"Activate Trap Card: 'Gravity Bind'! With this effect, no monsters with a level of four stars or higher can attack."

_Crap, most of my monsters are four stars and higher._

"My turn, and I summon 'Servant of Catabolism'. Because of its special ability, I can attack you directly."

[Servant of Catabolism (700/500) appears, walks around Battle Ox, and attacks Johann. Johann loses 700 LP.]

_This is gonna suuuuuuuck._

* * *

-Several turns later-

"Yay!" Rebecca cheered as she jumped up and down. "We won, We won! We're the best team ever, Teddy!"

"You had a great strategy, Rebecca," Johann admitted, "I just wish I had drawn 'Trap Master' sooner."

"**You have lost! Now you will forfeit your soul!**"

"Nuh-uh."

_At least this wasn't a Shadow Game, or I _would _have lost my soul._

"Better luck next time!" Rebecca said as she happily skipped off.

_That duel was brutal. Think I'll take a break and look around Akihabara._

To Johann, who was a geek when it came to video games and manga, loved everything he saw in the city. There were arcades, manga and electronic stores, and lots of cosplayers. He spent this time looking around and buying manga.

At one store, he saw Tea trying to get the attention of some customers. Wondering what she was up to, Johann walked up to her and asked, "Are you trying to find someone to duel again?"

"No," she said, "I'm trying to find someone willing to turn my fanfiction into a doujinshi."

"Your…fanfiction?"

"Yeah. Remember Losershipping? I think it would be so hot—I mean so cool if someone turned it into a doujinshi."

"Wait wait wait…you mean that crazy idea of me and Bakura getting together? Dude! I don't want you writing stuff about us that isn't true, let alone turn it into a doujinshi!"

"Oh come on, it's obvious you two were meant for each other. Besides, it's not just about you two getting together: it's about how you confess each other's undying love and how you—hominahominahominahomina—!"

Tea's eyes rolled back into her head and blood dripped out of her nostrils. She took out two tissues, twisted them, and shoved them up her nose. She shook her head and her eyes were normal again.

"Tea," Johann cautiously said, "you're not possessed, are you?"

"No." She said quickly. "It always happens when I think about twoguyskissingeachotherandhavingsuperhotmansexand**[this part has been censored to preserve the readers' sanities]**hominahominahominahomina—!"

Johann slowly backed away, then made a run for it. He did not stop running until Tea was long gone from his view. He had heard of girls being crazy over yaoi pairings, but this was beyond ridiculous.

Once he stopped running, he considered having lunch when he heard someone groan, "Gah, I hate this city!"

He saw that the complainer was the woman from the other day, Mai. He asked, "What's bad about Akihabara?"

Mai looked at him and said, "Hey, you're that kid."

"Yeah, I'm Johann Bocks."

"Mai Valentine, and I know, my name is not subtle. Listen, do you know how many nerds have told me that I should work at one of those maid cafes? Twenty. At least twenty nerds, including _Joey_, wanted to see me in one of those ridiculous maid outfits."

"Well, those cafes _are_ popular…"

"I like attention, but not the attention of nerds who have nothing better to do. I'm just here to duel, and nothing more."

"Wanna duel me?"

"You took the words right out of my mouth." Mai activated her Duel Disk. "You may be the Beginner Cup champion, but you're still an amateur compared to most of the people in the Expert Cup. I'll show you that you're not cut out for this tournament!"

"Bring it." Johann said as he also activated his Duel Disk.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Booby Kingdom

A crowd began to gather around the two duelists. Most of the male audience members hooted and wolf whistled when they saw Mai's deck name. Some of the girls, who were glaring at their supposed boyfriends, started cheering for Johann to "kick that skank's ass".

Johann, unlike the male crowd, facepalmed and said, "Really? Really?"

"Not distracted by the fanservice, I see." Mai said. "I didn't know you swung that way. I'll start by introducing you to one of my Harpie Ladies: 'Harpie Lady 3'!"

[Harpie Lady 3 (1300/1400) is summoned.]

"I then place two cards facedown and end my turn."

"Alright," Johann said, "I'll place a card and a monster facedown. I end my—."

"Before you end your turn, I activate my Trap Card: 'Shadow of Eyes'. This forces your facedown monster into face up attack position."

[Monster is revealed to be Big Eye (1200/100). It's Flip Effect is not triggered.]

"Well…crap."

"I guess it's my turn now. I play 'Harpie's Hunting Ground'. This gives 200 ATK and DEF to all Winged-Beasts, and when I summon a Harpie, I can destroy one of your magic or trap cards. Oh, and speaking of Harpies, I summon 'Harpie Lady 2' and destroy that facedown card."

[Harpie Lady 2 (1300+200/1400+200) flies in and destroys Johann's card.]

"Now I attack with both Harpie Ladies!"

[Harpie Lady 3 destroys Big Eye and Harpie Lady 2 attacks Johann directly. Johann loses 1800 LP.]

Various cheerings came from the crowd.

"You're awesome, pair of talking breasts!"

"Get him, you sexy ladies!"

"Fight back, Johann!"

Mai smirked and said, "I'm going to win!"

* * *

-Many turns later-

"What?!" Mai exclaimed. "I lost?! How?! Why?!"

"I…I honestly don't know." Johann said. "I guess I got lucky in the end."

The crowd dispersed with mixed emotions.

"Why?" Mai asked again. "Why do I _always _lose to someone onscreen?! I haven't won a duel onscreen since the Duelist Kingdom arc!"

_Her too? Am I the only sane one here?_

He noticed that Mai was no longer paying any attention to him, so he left to have lunch.

Few things happened after he had his lunch. He bought a music CD, dueled Rex and Weevil again and won, and saw a mob of fans and cosplayers chase after Yugi and Joey. It was actually quite hilarious to watch.

"When is this ever going to end?!" Joey shouted.

"I don't know, but when I see Kaiba again, I'm going to kill him!" Yugi shouted back.

"Now I know how Duke Devlin feels when he gets chased by fangirl mobs!"

["SexyBack playing"] "Hey guys."

"Duke? When did you get here?"

["SexyBack playing"] "Oh, just a minute ago, but it looks like our two mobs have fused together."

"Oh great, now we'll never escape this madness."

"Burn the witch!"

"Tristan? Is that you?"

"Who else could it be?"

Johann decided he should move before he got caught up in the mob. Seeing that it was getting dark, he started to make his way back to the train station. He made the stupid mistake of choosing to use an alleyway as a shortcut.

He saw a big, creepy man in black clothes blocking the way. He tried to be polite and asked, "Can you move?"

"Look what we have here." The man grinned. "What's the big hurry, little boy?"

"None of your damn business, now move!"

"Ooh, someone with spunk. Duel me and I'll let you pass."

"No; I'll just go another way."

Johann started running back when the all too familiar fog had returned. Not wanting to get involved in what he now knew to be a Shadow Game, he kept on running. However, he found himself right back in front of the man.

"Sorry," the man said as he activated his Duel Disk, "but the only way out is through me."

"Son of a bitch." Johann also activated his Duel Disk. "Why do you people always insist on playing these soul stealing games?!"

"Can't tell you why, kid, but I can tell you that you'll wander in the darkness forever!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. PaniK Attack

"The name's PaniK, and that will be the last name you ever hear! Not only will the darkness torture your soul, it will also **[this part has been censored to preserve the readers' sanities] **until there's not a bit of you left for the rats."

Johann felt like he was going to be sick. "Dude! You're ****ed up!"

"Kid, you're talking to someone who jerks off to 'Saw' and 'Hostel'; of course I'm ****ed up. Scared yet?"

"No, just disgusted. I'll place a card facedown and summon 'Shining Abyss'."

[Shining Abyss (1600/1800) is summoned.]

"I end my turn."

"Good, then I play the magic card 'Yami', which increases the ATK and DEF of all fiend and spellcaster monsters by 200, while decreasing the ATK and DEF of all fairy monsters by 200. I then summon 'Dragon Zombie', and with your fairy monster weakened by 'Yami' I can destroy it!"

[Dragon Zombie (1600/0) crawls out of the darkness and destroys the weakened Shining Abyss (1600-200/1800-200). Johann loses 200 LP.]

"Scared yet?!"

"No, and stop saying that. I'm going to win this game!"

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Johann's Luminous Soldier (2100+500/1400) destroys PaniK's Billy the Puppet (900+200/1300+200). PaniK's LP drops to 0.]

"No!" PaniK exclaimed.

"Yes." Johann said triumphantly.

The dark fog vanished and Johann ran past PaniK, who was so caught up in his defeat that he didn't bother trying to stop him. Johann only felt safe once he had boarded the train home. He sat down and let out an exhausted sigh. Maybe it was because of the nature of the Shadow Games, but he always felt a little winded whenever he won. He felt that he couldn't go a single night without being forced to play a Shadow Game.

_That's it, I'm buying pepper spray._

* * *

**Updates might be slow again. We'll see.**

Kaiba returned to his mansion that night with an unmarked box tucked under his arm. Making sure that Mokuba didn't see him, he snuck into his room. He locked the door and pulled the window curtains closed. He set the box on his desk and slowly opened it. He knew what he had purchased at that shady store in Akihabara, and he wanted to make sure no one saw what he got.

Inside the box was a **[this part has been censored to preserve the readers' sanities]**.

"Finally," he said, "a Blue-Eyes White Dragon **[censored]**. I can't wait to try this out."


	12. Part 12: Knowing and Telling

**Warning: in this chapter, Ishizu will provide cryptic, and possibly spoilerific clues for the future.**

* * *

-Akihabara train station-

Johann arrived at Akihabara the next day feeling good about himself. He had purchased some pepper spray, which he kept in his pocket, so he felt a little bit safer. He hoped that he didn't have to use it right away, though considering that Shadow Games were turning into a daily occurrence…

"Johann Bocks." An unfamiliar voice spoke.

He turned his head to the speaker. It was a woman with bronze skin wearing a white outfit and hood that looked like it came from Egypt. She had a Duel Disk and a gold necklace with an eye on it, similar to Yugi's Puzzle and Bakura's Ring.

"And you are?" Johann asked.

"My name is Ishizu Ishtar," the woman said, "and I can see the future. Well, I can also see into the past, but the future's of more concern."

"Really?"

"After participating in five Shadow Games and seeing the power of the Pharaoh's Millennium Puzzle, you actually doubt that I can see into the future?"

"Huh? How do you—?"

"I just told you: I can see into the past and future."

"So…what do you want?"

"According to the warning at the top of this page, I am to provide cryptic, and possibly spoilerific, clues about the future."

"Top of the page? What are you talking about?"

"That's another power of my Millennium Necklace: I can see and break the Fourth Wall."

"Fourth Wall? There's nothing meta going on here!"

"Strange. Unlike the Pharaoh and the rest of the main characters, you don't seem to be aware of the Fourth Wall. That explains your future…"

"By 'Pharaoh', you mean Yugi, right? He said something similar to me, but he's just crazy."

"Crazy? Johann, if many people knew one thing and one knew different, which party is the crazy one?"

"I…uh…" Johann hated philosophical questions, so he changed the topic and said, "You want to duel me or not?"

"You're avoiding my question," Ishizu said, "but since we were destined to duel, we might as well get on with it."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Shut Up

"Why is your deck called—?"

"Because shut up. I'll place three cards facedown and place a monster facedown. I end my turn."

"Um, if you can see the future, then don't you already know who's going to win?"

"Yes, but I need to pass some time before I get my haircut; you have no idea how long it's gotten under this hood."

"So, who's going to win?"

"You are."

* * *

-Several turns later-

"See, I told you so."

"Ishizu," Johann said, "are you even _trying_ to win?"

"I am, but your 'Royal Decree' makes things harder for me. Now, I'm off to get my haircut. After that, we'll meet and duel again, and I'll give you more cryptic clues about the future."

"Sounds like you have a busy schedule."

"I know that was sarcasm, but yes, I do have a busy schedule."

Ishizu turned around and left. Johann rubbed his head and thought about the mysterious woman he had just dueled. She obviously knew things from the past few days that she shouldn't have, so were her claims about the future also true?

_She's right about all these magic things happening, like the Shadow Games, but…that 'many people know something while one knows different' thing…is she implying that Yugi's right about the whole story idea, and that _I'm_ the crazy one? No way. There's no way that's true._

To get his mind off those things, he looked around for more duelists to challenge. He had met Mako and Espa Roba again, and though they had improved their decks, he still managed to beat them. Afterwards, in the middle of the city, he met Ishizu again.

"And so we meet again, Johann Bocks." She said.

"Yeah. So, what clues did you want to give me?"

"Unfortunately, the plot says that I have to duel you and lose again before I can give them to you."

"Then why not surrender and tell me already?"

"Because shut up."

"No, seriously, why?"

"Fine, I'll tell you: if you try to screw with destiny, it screws you back."

"Uh…"

"Let's just duel already."

As it came to pass, Ishizu lost again. The crowd that had gathered to watch left disappointed at the unexciting outcome. Johann asked, "So, what are the clues about the future?"

Ishizu put her hand over her necklace and said, "I see…darkness, frustration, and a bunch of canon plotlines thrown in haphazardly…your unlucky color is white."

"Can't you be more specific than that?"

"I can't because that would be spoiling things for this fanfiction's readers. I can tell you more, but that will have to wait until this evening. I have to go buy some presents for my date tonight."

Once again, she turned around and left. Johann was getting frustrated over having to wait for Ishizu again. In addition to passing the time with more duels, he also played some games at the arcade. He stopped once he was starting to run low on pocket change.

When he left the arcade, she was waiting for him outside with a plastic bag in her hand.

"So…"

"This will be the last time we duel for today."

"Sounds good to me.

* * *

-Another win later-

"Okay," Ishizu said as he put her hand to her necklace again, "the moment everyone's been waiting for…hmm…this is not good."

"Not good?" Johann asked. "Am I going to lose a Shadow Game?"

"This information is actually a secret that Kaiba's waiting to reveal in the finals, but I will go ahead and whisper it in your ear." She walked up to him and whispered, "The winner of this tournament will actually be crowned the New King of Games, and that winner will be you."

Johann's eyes widened, but he frowned when she said, "However, you will be plagued with paranoia and more Shadow Games, and you will pay a horrible price."

"Wait," he said slowly, "so I'll win the tournament, but more Shadow Games and bad things will happen to me…and what's the horrible price?"

"If I tell you any more, you'll try to change your destiny, and that falls under the category of trying to screw with it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date to attend, and I don't want to make myself more like one of those witches from _Macbeth _if I can help it."

For the last time that day, she left. Johann felt overwhelmed with what she had told him. He would win this tournament, and actually be crowned the New King of Games! It would be fantastic, but would it be worth the horrible things that would happen afterwards?

_I guess we'll just have to see._

The sun was starting to set, so Johann put his guard up as he made his way back to the train station. As he was turning a corner, he bumped into someone. Panic set in and he took out his pepper spray and pointed it away from him. He was about to press down on the nozzle when he recognized the person.

"Kaiba?"

Kaiba glared at Johann and said, "Spray me, I dare you."

Johann sheepishly put away the pepper spray. "Sorry, I thought you were someone trying to challenge me to a Shadow Game."

"I'm not one of those cowardly creeps."

He now noticed that Kaiba had a Duel Disk. He asked, "Are you up for a duel?"

Kaiba laughed. "Are you kidding me? You're actually challenging _me_, Seto Kaiba, to a duel? Fine, it'll be a nice change of pace to beat a loser other than Wheeler."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. The Billionaire

"'Absolute Pwnage'? Prepare to be disappointed, kid, because _I_ do all the pwning around here."

"I know you're strong, Kaiba, but I've always wanted to duel against you. I place a monster facedown and end my turn."

"What a weak start. I place two cards facedown and summon 'X-Head Cannon' to attack your monster."

[X-Head Cannon (1800/1500) is summoned and attacks Johann's monster. It's revealed to be 'Aqua Matador' (1200/2000). Kaiba loses 200 LP.]

"'Weak start', huh?"

"You were lucky that time, but believe me when I say this: you're gonna have a bad time."

* * *

-Several turns later-

[Johann has 2600 LP and the monsters Man-Eater Bug (450/600) and Neo the Magic Swordsman (1700/1000). Kaiba has 5100 LP, two cards facedown, and no monsters.]

_Damn, he was right about me having a bad time, but it looks like I can still do this._

"Okay," Johann said, "I sacrifice both of my monsters to summon 'Sanga of the Thunder'.

[Both monsters are sacrificed to make way for Sanga (2600/2200).]

"I now attack you directly!"

"I activate my Trap Card: 'Ring of Destruction'! This destroys your monster and we both lose Life Points equal to its ATK. Johann, _you _just got pwned!"

[Sanga is destroyed. Kaiba's LP drops to 2500 while Johann's drops to 0.]

"Wow. You're as good as they say, Kaiba."

"That because I'm Seto freakin'—wait, you're not despairing over your defeat. Why are you not crying and running away in shame?"

"I've learned to be a good sport about these things."

_Though I would be crying if this was a Shadow Game._

"Good sport?! Get the hell out of my sight, you freak!"

To Johann's surprise, Kaiba turned and ran like he was a zombie.

_Man, why does everyone think that being a good sport is a bad thing?_

* * *

**So, nobody talk about the potential spoilers in your reviews, or it'll spoil the readers who read the reviews first before reading the actual story. If you want to talk about spoilers, send me a private message.**

Shortly after the museum in Domino closed for the night, Ishizu snuck in using a spare key. She quietly made her way to the Ancient Egyptian Artifacts room with the plastic bag in her hand. She stopped in front of two giant stone slabs with hieroglyphics on them. She carefully unlocked the glass case of one of the slabs.

"I've missed you, Giant Rock." Ishizu whispered to it. "I got some things for you."

She took out some bottles of water, soap, a washrag, a Dremel, sandpaper, and mineral oil.

"By tomorrow morning, you'll look shinier and prettier than the day you were chiseled."


	13. Part 13: Duelin' with the Devil

**Warning: this "warning" running gag is going to stay until the very end.**

* * *

-Akihabara-

Johann spent most of the day, unsurprisingly, dueling a lot of people. He won most of them, though he did lose to Rebecca again. He made a note to himself to buy more booster packs and modify his deck again.

The sun was setting when he saw Yami and Joey dueling. He joined the crowd and watched them duel. He was a little disappointed, however, when he saw that it was just about to end.

"It's over, Joey!" Yami boasted. "I win again!"

[Yami's Dark Magician (2500/2100) attacks Joey directly, dropping his LP to 0.]

"Dang it, Yug." Joey grumbled. "One of these days, I'm gonna beat you."

"Keep dreaming."

Feeling bold, Johann stepped forward and said, "I want to duel you next, Yugi."

There were gasps and whispers coming from the crowd. Yami smirked and said, "Alright, Johann, I have time to kick your ass."

Joey moved out of the way so that Johann could take his place. Yami took out his deck and shuffled it before putting it back in his Duel Disk. Both duelists activated their Duel Disks.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Leather Shoes

"Really? You couldn't come up with anything better than 'Leather Shoes'? Also, shouldn't you be using your good deck at this point?"

"Hey, my awesome power comes from my leather shoes. Also, I _was_ going to use my good deck, but…well…"

"But what?"

"A dog ate it." Joey said.

Johann stared in disbelief. "A _dog_ ate your deck?"

"Hey! It was a very Annoying Dog. Anyways, I'm using my second best deck until I find it and make it cough it back up."

"Yugi, I hate to say this to you, but I don't think you can get your old deck back."

"Oh yes I can, but I can't get around to doing it until I beat you. I place two cards facedown and summon 'Obnoxious Celtic Guard'."

[Obnoxious Celtic Guard (1400/1200) is summoned, mentions being 'so obxnoxious', and brags how nothing's going to kill him.]

"Don't jinx it, Dave." Yami warned.

"Wait," Johann said, "did that hologram just talk?"

"Yeah, it happens once in a while. Anyways, I end my turn."

"Alright, I place two cards facedown and summon 'Muka Muka'."

[Muka Muka (600/300) skitters onto the field. Johann has four cards in his hand, so it becomes (1800/1500).]

"I attack your monster."

[It destroys Obnoxious Celtic Guard and Yami loses 400 LP.]

"Dammit Dave, I told you not to jinx it, now you're dead again."

"…I end my turn."

"That's it, now I mean business, I play—hey! It's that Annoying Dog!"

Yami pointed into the crowd. Standing at the front was a pixelated white dog with a smile on its face. It wagged its tail and annoying music began to play. It then turned around and ran further into the crowd.

"Get back here you deck stealing bastard!"

Yami ran after the dog. When he was out of range, the holograms turned off. The now confused crowd dispersed, seeing that the duel was cut short.

"Hey!" Johann hollered at him. "What about our duel?!"

"I'll take a raincheck on it." Yami's voice grew fainter as he ran further away.

"Take a—_you goddamned hypocrite!_"

"It's his best deck at stake." Joey shrugged. "I think I'll go help him."

Joey took off after Yami.

_Their obsession with cards is starting to scare me._

Johann decided to head on home for the day.

He was passing through a residential neighborhood when he saw something that made him temporarily freeze. Lying on the sidewalk were not one, but two kids with Duel Disks. He pulled out his phone and called the police.

"There are two kids on the street, and I think they're comatose." He explained. "They're at…"

He gave the address and hung up. He had to get out of here before the one who did this showed up.

"Johann?"

He turned around and saw Bakura approaching him. He said, "Bakura, we need to get away from here."

"We do, why—?" He gasped when he saw the comatose kids. "Oh no, not aga—!"

"Come on!" Johann grabbed Bakura's hand and dragged him away from the street. They had just crossed the street when Bakura said, "Wait, can't we slow down? I can't keep up with you."

"Oh, sorry."

They both slowed their run to a brisk walk. Johann knew that the train station was close, so they should be alright once they got there. They stopped when they heard a girlish squeal. They turned their heads and saw Tea with a blush on her face.

"OMG." She said. "Losershipping is canon! Losershipping is canon!"

She ran off flailing her arms and repeating that sentence. Johann called out, "It's not what it looks like!" He looked at their held hands and said, "You know, I think we should let go now."

He let go of his hand, but Bakura only tightened his grip.

"Bakura? I said you can let go."

"Why?"

Johann stiffened. It sounded like Bakura's voice, though it sounded deeper and more sinister. He lifted his head and made eye contact with Johann. He no longer had the eyes of a sweet, innocent boy, but those of a ruthless hunter that had just caught its prey.

"Why," he said again, "when I got you right where I want you?"

"Bakura?!"

"You've been getting on everyone's nerves lately, Johann, including mine. I should send you to the Shadow Realm so that you will suffer for all eternity."

"Send me—then those kids?! _You _did that to them?! Why?!"

"Because it's so much fun to send people to their doom, and now you'll join them!"

Bakura let go of Johann so that he could activate his Duel Disk. Johann pulled out the pepper spray and sprayed his eyes before he could press a button. He screamed and covered his eyes. Johann used this chance to run to the train station. His thoughts ran as fast as his feet.

_Bakura was evil all along?! No, it can't be! Maybe he's like Yugi's other self? He _was_ wearing something similar to Yugi's Puzzle. I can't believe it._

"Get back here you little s***!" Bakura shouted at him.

Johann did not look back. He arrived at the train station and saw the train waiting for him. He jumped through the doors just as they were closing. When he looked out the window, he could see Bakura glaring at him with inflamed red eyes that only served to make him look more evil. Once the train was moving, he let out a sigh of relief. He looked at the pepper spray in his hand, and he was grateful that it had saved him.

When the train arrived back at Domino, he went straight home and locked all the doors and windows. He ate a cup of ramen in silence and locked himself in his bedroom. He did not plan on going to bed tonight.

* * *

-One hour later-

Johann sat on his bed and kept the pepper spray in his hand. He jumped at every noise he heard, from cars driving to the wind blowing through the trees. He knew that Bakura wouldn't come after him, since he didn't know where he lived, yet fear kept him awake.

_Calm down, Johann, he's not going to get you…tonight. _He gulped. _I…I need to tell Yugi, someone, so we can get a buddy system going…but it didn't help those two kids…_

He jumped when he heard a _thump thump_ noise. His eyes widened when he realized that it was coming from inside his house. He held his breath and covered his mouth. The thumps stopped in front of his door. Despite the door being locked, the doorknob still turned.

The door opened to reveal a very angry looking Bakura holding the Millennium Ring in his hand. One of its spikes was glowing and pointing right at Johann.

"Stay away from me, you Evil Brit!" Johann screamed.

He held up the pepper spray once more. Before he could press down on the nozzle, though, Bakura ran forward, grabbed his wrist, and pulled it off to the side. He twisted his hand, forcing him to drop his only defense.

"We're done playing Hide and Seek." Bakura snarled. "Now, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

He pulled out a pocketknife and flicked it open. "Say hello to Stabby. You can either get better acquainted with Stabby, or we can play a children's card game with dark magic involved. Oh, and for the record: I'm not British," he leaned in close to his face, "I'm just gay. What will it be, Johann? Death? Or card games?"

"How?" Johann croaked. "How did you find me? And the doors?"

"Remember the Millennium Ring? Not only can it find gay people, but it also makes me the master of unlocking. Now are we going to play a card game or do I have to have Stabby slice your throat?"

"Okay okay! I'll duel you, just don't kill me!"

"Oh, I _wish_ I could kill you, it would make things a _whole_ lot easier, but the plot dictates that I challenge you to a children's card game. Grab your Duel Disk and come outside."

Bakura let go of Johann. With no choice in the matter, he picked up his Duel Disk with his good hand and followed Bakura out. They both took their positions and activated their Duel Disks.

"Before we duel," Johann said, "tell me who you are and why you want to send me to the Shadow Realm."

"I am Bakura," he answered, "and don't confuse me for that boy, Ryo. Like the Pharaoh, I'm an ancient spirit trapped in a Millennium Item, but of course, I'm not as kind as he is."

"But he's an ass."

"Oh, _really_? I didn't know. _Thank you_ for telling me. As for why I want you dead, it's because it's obvious that you're the new main character, and I want that position. Prepare to die, Johann!"

"No way!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Bloody Carnage

It may have been because Johann was afraid, but the dark fog seemed colder and thicker. He rubbed his arms and found that there were goosebumps on his flesh. He gritted his teeth and, trying to be brave, said, "I-I'll start by placing two cards facedown and placing a monster facedown. I end my turn."

"Scared?" Bakura asked with a wicked grin on his face. "You should be. I place a card facedown and summon 'Headless Knight' to attack your monster."

[Headless Knight (1450/1700) is summoned and attacks Johann's monster, which is revealed to be Armed Ninja (300/300). The monster is destroyed.]

"I activate 'Armed Ninja's' special ability." Johann declared. "I can destroy one magic card, and I choose the card you just placed."

[The card flips over. It doesn't stay up long enough to reveal what it is specifically, but it does show that it's a trap card. It flips back down."

"So sorry, but it's not a magic card. Your move."

Johann looked at his hand. He only had weak effect monsters and no equip cards to help them out. He said, "I place another monster facedown and—."

"I activate 'Destiny Board'!"

[An ominous Ouija board appears with the letter F hovering above it.]

"Each time you end your turn," Bakura explained, "a letter appears on the 'Destiny Board'. Once all five letters appear, you lose."

Johann gulped. "I…I end my turn."

[The letter I appears on the Destiny Board.]

"My turn." Bakura drew a card. "I place another card face down and sacrifice 'Headless Knight' to summon 'The Raincoat Killer'."

[Headless Knight is sacrificed. From the fog, The Raincoat Killer (2000/1800) lumbers into the playing field.]

"When 'The Raincoat Killer' is summoned, I can destroy one monster."

[Johann's facedown monster is destroyed.]

"And now I attack you directly!"

[The Raincoat Killer attacks Johann, dropping his LP to 6000.]

"You're going to lose, Johann, and then I will be the new main character!" Bakura let out an evil laugh.

_Not good! I can't lose this!_

* * *

-Two turns later-

[Johann has 6000 LP and Aqua Madoor (1200/2000) in defense mode. Bakura has the Destiny Board with the letters F, I, N, and A on it, The Raincoat Killer, and two Giant Germs (1000/100).]

_I have to get rid of that 'Destiny Board' on this turn, or I'm done for. Please,_ please_ let draw the right card!_

Johann drew a card.

_Oh **** yes!_

"I play 'Heavy Storm'," Johann said, "destroying all spell and trap cards on the field!"

[Destiny Board and its letters are destroyed.]

"I place another monster facedown and end my turn."

"You just got lucky," Bakrua growled, "but I'm still winning this duel! I play 'Pot of Greed' and draw two cards, then I'll play 'Graceful Charity', drawing three more cards and discarding two. I then place a monster facedown and end my turn."

_For all his boasting, he's playing cautiously. If I do the same, then maybe I can outlast him…_

* * *

-Many, many turns later-

[Both players' sides are filled with monsters, and there have been no change in anyone's LP.]

"I end my turn." Johann said.

"Then I—eh?" Bakura had moved to draw a card, only to find that he didn't have any left. "I'm out of cards?!"

"Yeah!" Johann nearly screamed with joy. "I did it!"

Bakura looked like he was about to burst a vein. "You may have won this round, Johann, but the next time we meet, you _will_ fall into the shadows!"

With that said, he turned and fled. The fog disappeared and Johann let out a shuddering exhale. He had managed to beat Bakura this time, but for all he knew, he could come after him again tomorrow.

He walked back into his house and once again locked all the doors. He sat on his bed and looked over his deck. He was going to need better cards if he was going to survive in the long run.

_Funny, these cards are the only thing keeping me alive right now. Who would have thought?_

He let himself fall backwards on the bed, yet he could not fall asleep that night.

* * *

-The next morning-

Johann, obviously, was very tired. When he gave up trying to fall asleep, he spent the next couple of hours on his computer playing games and watching videos. When the sun rose, he checked his email and saw that he had one new letter from KaibaCorp.

"Subject: Congratulations!

Johann Bocks,

Congratulations! You have built an impressive record in this tournament. You are invited to appear in the tournament finals. You are also invited to attend a private party for the finalists tonight at the Kaiba Mansion outside of Akihabara."

_Alright! I'm in the finals, and there's a party tonight! I could really use a night to unwind and take a break from card games. Oh, but I still got to buy more booster packs; I _really_ need better cards. Good thing I finally got that bike fixed._

* * *

**So, the first time around, I actually did outlast Bakura in the same way Johann did. I was fortunate that he didn't have 'Dark Necrofear' in his deck…yet.**

Bakura looked at the cards that he got from the booster packs he just bought. He grinned when he saw that he had obtained 'Dark Necrofear'. Already, he started forming new ideas for his deck.

_Just wait until next time_, Johann, he thought, _once I beat you with this card, then I will—._

"_**Hey guys!"**_

Bakura nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw a tall, pale figure in a black suit suddenly appear in front of him. The figure was faceless and had a few black tentacles coming from its back.

"Slenderman!" Bakura said. "What are you doing here?!"

"_**I see that you guys are in a fanfiction."**_ He said. _**"I would like to be in the fanfiction. Can I be in the fanfiction?"**_

"No you can't be in the bloody fanfiction. Go bother Marik or something."

"_**I already did, and he told me to go bother you. Am I doing a good job bothering you?"**_

Bakura groaned.


	14. Part 14: Ghosts in the Virtual Reality

**Warning: this next story arc comes out of nowhere, and trying to Abridge it has been difficult, so don't expect this to be one of my best chapters.**

* * *

-KC Games-

Johann sat at one of the tables and took out his deck. He looked over all the cards he just got from the booster packs. He would have to swap some cards out. Some choices were pretty obvious, but others were not.

_Okay, get rid of De-Spell and put in Mystical Space Typhoon…Book of Secret Arts for Malevolent Nuzzler…now, do I get rid of this strong one for this monster's effect? Would it be worth it?_

The little bell at the door rang. Johann lifted his head and saw Yugi. He approached Johann and asked, "What are you doing, Johann?"

"Reconstructing my deck." Johann said.

"Oh, I keep forgetting that amateurs are different from main characters in that they have to change their decks each day as opposed to once a season."

"Yugi, do you actually need something, or did you just come in here to insult me?"

"Nope, just here to insult you. See you at the party."

Yugi turned around and left the store. Johann spent several more minutes on his deck before he was satisfied with what he had put together. He left the store and went to the train station.

To pass the time, he once again dueled several people and browsed Akihabara's many stores. As sunset approached, Johann realized that he didn't know where the mansion was. He decided to head back to the train station and ask around.

When he got back to the train station, he saw that there was a black limousine parked in front of it. Standing next to it was the announcer from the tournament. He spotted Johann and called out, "Mr. Bocks, Herr Kaiba has allowed for the use of his limousine to transport the finalists to his mansion. Please get in so that we will not be late for the party."

He opened up the back passenger's door for him. Johann peeked in and saw Joey and Yami. He climbed in and took the furthest seat away from them. He looked at the announcer and asked, "Where's everyone else?"

"We will wait for several more minutes." He answered.

"Um, and who _are_ the other finalists?"

"Aside from you, Mr. Muto, and Mr. Wheeler, there's Miss Hawkins, Miss Valentine, Mr. Bakura, and Miss Ishtar, and of course, there's Herr Kaiba himself."

"So that's Rebecca, Mai, Bakura, and Ishizu." Yami said. "Huh. I wonder what Ishizu's doing in this tournament?"

_Bakura's in it? Which one, though?_

The next several minutes were spent in silence. Eventually, the announcer said, "We cannot wait any longer. The other finalists will have to miss out on the party."

He closed the door. In a minute, the limo's engine turned on and they were moving. Johann leaned against the tinted window and yawned. He figured it would be alright to doze, considering he didn't sleep at all last night…

…

…

"Hey!" Joey's voice said. "Wake up you lazy bum!"

Johann opened his eyes. He looked out the window and saw that they had arrived. Everyone got out and were led inside the mansion.

The interior was very fancy, as expected of a mansion belonging to Seto Kaiba. There were bright lights and tables of food, including cake. At the center, both Kaiba and Mokuba were waiting for the others.

"Wow!" Joey said. "Look at all that food! Time to dig in!"

He was about to run to the table when Kaiba grabbed him by his shirt collar and yanked him backwards. "Hold it, Wheeler. I have a speech about my ego to give everyone."

"Are we really doing this without everyone else?" Johann asked.

"Their loss."

"Considering you're about to give a speech," Yami said, "I consider them very fortunate."

"Wait." Mokuba said. "I'd like to say something first."

"Shut up, Mokuba," Kaiba interrupted, "the adults are talking."

"No, you shut up, _Seto_."

"…What did you just say?"

"I can't believe you just told your own brother to shut up, Mokuba." Yami said.

"Ah, but I'm not really Mokuba."

In a split second flash, Mokuba was replaced by a boy with short aqua green hair.

"Welcome, duelists!" The boy greeted. "It's a shame that not everyone could attend, but I plan to carry out my plan nevertheless."

"Noah!" Kaiba exclaimed. "You're supposed to be dead!"

"So you all thought, but I had actually copied myself into KaibaCorp's mainframe. I'm back, and this time, nothing will stop me from my revenge!"

"I thought we had resolved that silly virtual world arc." Yami said.

"Wait wait wait," Johann jumped in, "what the hell's going on here?"

"That's what we all want to know. How did you come back? Actually, don't answer that, we're not interested in your—."

"My story?" Noah finished. "That's fine; I wasn't going to tell you that anyways. You see, I want you all to play a game."

"Is it a children's card game?" Joey asked.

"Not quite. It's called 'Hide and Seek'. My minions are scattered about in Akihabara, and I want you all to find them and duel them before midnight. If you don't beat them all before then, the whole city will be destroyed!"

"Destroyed?!" Johann exclaimed. "Are you a terrorist?!"

"This brat, a terrorist?" Kaiba laughed. "He can't even put his clothes on without his mommy's help."

"I would watch what I'd say if I were you, Seto," Noah warned, "after all, I have the most precious person to you hostage."

"Is it me?"

"No. Does the name 'Mokuba' ring any bells?"

"Nope."

"Honestly, you're such a bastard, you know that? If you want him back, then you must beat my game. Otherwise, KaibaCorp's military satellite will wipe this city off the map."

"Military satellite?" Johann continued to ask. "What military satellite?!"

"I got rid of those long ago," Kaiba said, "and I made sure to destroy anything else related to them once we were through with your stupid story arc."

"I looked through the archives of KaibaCorp's mainframe," Noah said, "and I've discovered one that you missed."

"Wait, so that day the computers weren't working—that was you?"

"Correct. Now, if no one else has anything to say—."

"I do!" Johann blurted out. "Who are you and why and how the hell is all this happening?!"

"Oh yes, you're the only one here who doesn't know anything."

"I do not know anything either!" The announcer spoke up.

"I was talking about main characters. I am Noah, the real heir to KaibaCorp. You see, years ago, when—."

"We are not going through all that again!" Kaiba said.

Noah shrugged. "Very well, but you all still have to play my game. Remember: you have until midnight to find and defeat all five of my minions."

He laughed and vanished in front of everyone's eyes. Johann pointed at the empty space where he once stood and asked, "How did he do that?"

Joey ran out of the mansion, then came running back in. He said, "The sky's all weird!"

Everyone went outside. The sky was green with dark blue clouds swirling ominously. Kaiba shouted, "****! We're in the virtual world again!"

"How?! When?!" Johann kept asking.

"Let's not waste any time then." Yami said. "The sooner we get out of this pointless side story, the better."

All the duelists but Johann ran off in different directions. He looked at the announcer and wearily asked, "Just what the hell's going on?"

"Don't ask me," he answered, "I'm just a hologram."

He vanished. Johann tried to make sense of what had just transpired.

_So we're in virtual reality, and we have to do this kid's game or the city will be destroyed. Why is all this happening?_

Johann looked at his Duelist Radar and saw that it had a signal. Next to the dot were five stars. He had never faced anyone that high of a level before. He assumed this belonged to one of Noah's minions.

_Let's…let's just do this._

As he followed the signal, he noticed that the streets were completely empty. It was another sign of all this strangeness, yet it made it much easier for Johann to find the person he was looking for. Up ahead was a single individual: a bald man in a business suit with a Duel Disk on his arm.

"Ah, so you've found me." The man said.

"It wasn't that hard." Johann said. "I mean, the city's completely empty."

"I am Gansley, the first member of Team 4Kids and its leader. Noah brought us all back from the darkest corners of the internet so that we could beat you in a children's card game, which was a great thing, since Megaupload was taken down for good."

"You're from the internet? So is everyone here an AI?"

"No, we used to be people until we became trapped in the virtual world. I would normally use this chance to beat you and take your body, but Noah wants us to settle for banishing you to hell."

"I…I don't even know what to say to that."

"Let's just duel already."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Water World

_I don't know how much time there's left until the city's destroyed, so I better not mess—huh?!_

Johann was not expecting to see the dark fog return.

"A Shadow Game, in virtual reality? Really? _Really?!_"

"That's right." Gansley said. "You see, we are all under the service of the card game devil. In exchange for our souls, it has given us the power to use dark magic in card games."

"Card game devil? This is getting more ridiculous by the minute."

"You can either keep talking until the city blows up, or we can actually play the game."

"Oh yeah, the time limit! Okay, no fooling around this time."

* * *

-Turns later-

"Oh no!" Gansley screamed when he lost.

"Yeah, consider yourself pwned," Johann said quickly, "now excuse me while I find the others."

He found another five star signal and started following it.

_I wonder if Yugi and the others have found the other guys._

He spotted another businessman with a Duel Disk and a black mustache.

"Hey." He said. "The name's Crump, second member of Team 4Kids, head of 4Kids programming, and an extremely angry penguin."

"Penguin? You think you're a penguin?"

"Even though the card game devil gave us these dark powers and all the penguin cards I want, it wouldn't let me stay as a penguin. Do you have any idea how unhappy I am?"

"Let's just duel already."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Penguin Love

"I'll place a penguin face down and end my turn." Crump said. He then shivered and said, "_Oooh_, facedown. Just how I like it."

Johann felt sick. "You're disgusting, you know that? I summon 'Gil Garth' to attack your monster."

"Penguin."

"It's a monster, dammit!"

[Gil Garth (1800/1200) is summoned and attacks Crump's monster. It's revealed to be 'Prinny' (500/1000). The Prinny explodes, taking both it and Gil Garth out.]

Crump laughed. "See, told you it was a penguin! With my army of penguins, there is no way you can win!"

* * *

-Turns later-

"No!" Crump wailed. "How were you able to beat me and my penguins?!"

"Got to go, consider yourself pwned." Johann said as he ran off to find his next opponent.

His radar led him to another businessman with a Duel Disk.

"Hello, Johann Bocks," he said, "I'm Johnson, third member of Team 4Kids and head of 4Kids' legal department. You may know me as the one that got LittleKuriboh banned from YouTube twice."

"Who?"

"…LittleKuriboh? The creator of 'Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series'? You seriously don't know who he is?"

"No, and I don't care at the moment, so stop wasting time and duel me already."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. OBJECTION!

"With the dark powers granted to me by the card game devil," Johnson said, "I will be your judge, jury, and executioner."

"Don't think so."

* * *

-Turns later-

Johnson dropped to his knees in despair. "How could I—?!"

"Consider yourself pwned, moving on."

It did not take long for Johann to find his fourth opponent. Unsurprisingly, it was another businessman.

"I've been waiting for you." He said. "I am Nezbitt, fourth member of Team 4Kids and head of 4Kids' merchandizing. I may no longer be a robot with superior circuitry, but I can still tell you that you only have a 5% chance of winning against me."

"First that one guy thought he was a penguin," Johann said, "now you think you're a robot. Did all of you executive members of whatever take drugs or something?"

"Well, I did go through an experimental phase when I was in college—I mean, no! We were all given the bodies of Duel Monsters when we became trapped in virtual reality. I'm sure one of the other members of Team 4Kids already told you this."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you actually used to be a robot."

"Yes it does!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Rocket Fists

Johann looked at his hand and saw that he had no monsters. He placed two cards facedown and said, "Pass."

"I summon 'Robotic Knight' and attack you with Rocket powered fists!"

[Robotic Knight (1600/1800) is summoned.]

"Rocket powered fists?" Johann asked. "I don't see any—."

[Robotic Knight fires his fist at Johann, dropping his LP to 6400.]

"Yowch!" He nearly stumbled backwards. "Why do these attacks always hurt like a son of a bitch?"

"Hey," Nezbitt said, "you're supposed to say 'I stand corrected'. Also, do you like my monster? Because that's what I used to look like."

"Don't care; let's get this over with already."

* * *

-Turns later-

"How?!" Nezbitt demanded. "How did I lose?! Card game devil! Help me!"

"Consider yourself pwned, I'm off to find the last of you guys."

_I just realized: I've defeated four of these guys, and I haven't even seen Yugi and the others. How come they haven't found these guys?_

* * *

**As you can tell, I didn't give that much of a damn when writing this part. The story arc in the actual game is that bad.**

Yami and Joey stopped running so that they could catch their breath.

"Man," Joey said, "this city is huge, and we haven't found even one person."

"You know," Yami said, "I wish there was a way to find them. You know, like a radar or something."

They both looked at their Duel Disks.

"Oh, forgot about the Duel Radar." Joey facepalmed.

"I feel pretty stupid right now."


	15. Part 15: The Finally-Ending Story Arc

**Warning: my sanity might be slipping.**

* * *

-Virtual Akihabara-

Johann found the last of Noah's minions without any trouble.

"I see you've made it this far." He said. "I'm Leichter, the last member of Team 4Kids and head of 4Kids' localization."

Johann was about to say something when he saw Yami and Joey run towards them.

"Finally!" Joey said. "We found one of them!"

"Oh bother," Yami said, "Johann got here first."

"You just now found us?" Johann asked. "I've already beaten four of these guys! Where the hell were you?"

"I say, I say stop ignoring me!" Leichter said. "You got here first, so you get to duel me."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Localization

"Wait a minute," Yami said, "didn't Noah banish you guys to the darkest corners of the internet?"

"He did," Leichter said, "but he brought us back so that we could serve him and the card game devil."

"Card game devil?" Joey asked. "Hey, Yug, does the card game devil actually exist?"

"Joey, we live in a world where God, the Egyptian Gods, Ceiling Cat and Basement Cat exist. I wouldn't be surprised if the card game devil also existed. Oh, and Leichter? You're still on the fanfiction website."

"No I'm not!" Leichter immediately denied.

"Yeah, you are. Not only have you never left, but you are also in a fanfiction right now."

"No, no it's not true! I…I…!"

He screamed and ran away.

"Well, that takes care of him." Yami said.

"But I didn't beat him in a duel!" Johann said. "We're supposed to beat them all if we're to get out of here!"

"'We'? Johann, you just said you've dueled everyone else. As far as I'm concerned, you're doing all the hard work."

"While you technically didn't defeat him," a familiar voice said, "I'll still count it as your victory, since he's no longer in any shape to duel."

Mokuba appeared in front of the duelists.

"Johann," he said in Noah's voice, "you have singlehandedly defeated all my minions. It only makes sense that I allow you into KaibaCorp's secret military base. The rest of you can get the **** out."

Yami and Joey vanished.

"What did you do to them?!" Johann demanded.

"I sent them somewhere where they can't bother us. Now, follow me."

Mokuba led Johann towards a pier.

"Wait a minute." Johann said. "There aren't any oceans within walking distance of Akihabara!"

"You know this isn't the real Akihabara, don't you?" Mokuba asked. "It's my virtual world, so I can make it how I want it."

Everything suddenly began to shake. Out of the water, a large dome-like building came into view. The shaking stopped once it had ceased rising. A doorway opened up and a metal walkway extended onto the pier, allowing access to the building.

"So, what's in there?" Johann asked.

"All of KaibaCorp's military secrets," Mokuba answered, "but we're just going to use it as a dramatic place for us to duel."

They both went inside. The lobby was completely covered in metal and blinking colored lights. Mokuba went to the opposite end and got into his dueling stance.

"I've heard all about you, Johann." He said. "You may be the Beginner Cup champion, but you are only the best beginner."

"Why can't everyone cut the beginner crap?" Johann asked. "I'm a finalist of the Expert Cup; that means I'm no longer a beginner."

"We'll see about that."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Mokusoft

"Wait, you're using Mokuba's deck?"

"Yes," Mokuba answered, "why do you ask?"

"Because this is going to be easier than I thought."

Mokuba looked at his hand. "What kind of deck does he have? I…don't think he's ever improved it in his life! Ohhhhhhh fuuuuuuuu—."

* * *

-A few turns later-

"—uuuuuuudge. I just lost, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did," Johann said, "now let us all out of this virtual world."

"Sorry, Johann, but that didn't count. You beat Mokuba, not me. You have to find the real me if you want to leave. Seeing that possessing him isn't going to do me any good, I'll let him go."

Mokuba blinked and shook his head. He asked, "Where am I?"

"The virtual world." Johann said. "You were taken and possessed by Noah."

"Noah? I thought we were through with that story arc."

"We have to find him before midnight, or he's going to destroy Akihabara."

"Really? Nobody but the otakus are going to miss it."

"Mokuba, if it gets destroyed, we go with it."

"Oh, right! Let's go then!"

"He's got to be in here somewhere."

They went through many doorways, rooms, and hallways. The place was like a maze, though, and it seemed like they weren't getting anywhere. After what seemed like half an hour, they found what looked like to be a control room with a lot of open space.

In it were Kaiba and Noah, and it looked like they were just dueling. Kaiba was on his knees holding his arm like it was injured.

Noah laughed. "Just like in the anime, Kaiba, I win again."

"You brat!" Kaiba glared.

"You lost, so I'm going to destroy this city."

"No you won't!" Johann shouted. "I'm still here!"

Noah turned around. "Oh, you. I didn't think you would be able to find me."

"Big brother!" Mokuba shouted as he ran to Kaiba's side.

Noah snapped his fingers. In a flash of light, both Mokuba and Kaiba were instantly turned into stone.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" Johann exclaimed.

"I didn't want to see a touching reunion," Noah said, "besides, I wanted to show you just how much power I have here. In this world, I am a god, and my next act will be destroying Akihabara and everyone in it."

"Why do you even want to destroy it?"

"Why? Because I'm jealous, jealous of Kaiba who took my place as Gozaburo Kaiba's son, jealous of everyone else being able to live in the real world, and jealous that they all have friends and people that care about them!"

"So you're going to kill them all, is that it? Well, I won't let that happen."

"I suppose I did say we were going to duel, but this is the final chance to save everyone. Are you _sure_ you can beat me?"

_Can I? _Kaiba_ couldn't beat him, so how can I? No, I have no choice._

"I can, and I will."

"You are a fool, Johann Bocks, and you will lose everything."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Bible Reference

The blinking lights in the control room dimmed and the dark fog crept into the room.

"You know that I've already tried this before," Noah said, "and you're probably wondering how I returned."

"Noah, I didn't even know you before tonight."

"Oh yes, I keep forgetting that you're an original character. I did try to kill everyone and take Mokuba's body for myself, but I underwent a last minute change of heart. At first, I didn't know where that came from, and that stuck in this copy of myself. I then realized that it just came from the writers wanting to tie things up, and my previous anger had returned. That was when I was visited by the card game devil."

"You're telling me this just to stall the match, aren't you?" Johann asked. "I place a card and a monster facedown. I end my turn."

"I'll just keep talking as we play, how about that? Anyways, we made a deal with the card game devil: a second chance at revenge and powers from the Shadow Realm in exchange for our souls. To postpone the inevitable, we had to keep sending souls to the Shadow Realm. Seeing that we couldn't do much in the virtual world, I used my power to control the villains from the Duelist Kingdom story arc. Through them, we also knocked you all out so we could insert you into KaibaCorp's virtual reality pods."

"So that explains how we got here."

[Johann now has 6000 LP, one card facedown, and the monsters Cyber-Tech Alligator (2500/1600) and Wall of Illusion (1000/1850). Noah has 5800 LP, the field spell The Sanctuary in the Sky, and the monsters Manju of the Ten Thousand Hands (1400/1000) and Dancing Fairy (1700/1000).]

"Now," Noah said, "I play the ritual spell 'Shinato's Ark', allowing me to summon 'Shinato, King of a Higher Plane'!"

[Both of Noah's monsters are sacrificed to make way for Shinato (3300/3000).]

"I attack your 'Cyber-Tech Alligator'!"

[Cyber-Tech Alligator is destroyed. Johann loses 800 LP.]

_Not good, but I can still do this._

"My turn." Johann said. "I play 'Mystical Space Typhoon' to destroy your field spell card, then I place a monster facedown and end my turn."

"With 'Shinato' on my side, even your defense mode monsters can't protect your Life Points! I attack your facedown monster!"

[The destroyed monster is revealed to be Newdoria (1200/800). Johann loses 2500 LP.]

"Yeah, I know," Johann said, "but now thanks to 'Newdoria's effect, I can destroy your monster!"

[Shinato is destroyed.]

"Don't think this is over," Noah glared, "I have more than one 'Shinato' in my deck."

* * *

-Many turns later-

"Yeah!" Johann cheered. "I did it! Noah, consider yourself _pwned_!"

"I…I never thought I would actually lose." Noah said as he dropped to his knees. "But…I'm a man of my word. I'll let you all go."

He snapped his fingers and Mokuba and Kaiba turned back to normal. Kaiba stood up and said, "About damn time, now we can get out of this pointless story arc."

"Noah," Mokuba said as he approached him, "we all heard everything you said and, well, if you let us go, won't the card game devil come get you?"

"Don't give him any ideas, Mokuba." Kaiba warned.

"It will," Noah said, "but it looks like my mysterious change of heart has returned. Damn this author and the makers of the original 'Nightmare Troubadour' for making me like this. Follow me; I'll show you the way out."

"Hey, what about Yugi and Joey?" Johann asked.

"A door to the real world will appear where they're at, too. Now, hurry up, there's not much time left."

"Not much time left? I thought you said you weren't going to destroy Akihabara?!"

"No, I'm not talking about that time."

A female voice on the P.A. suddenly spoke. "Twenty minutes until the base self-destructs."

"Okay, now you're just repeating the same actions from the anime." Kaiba said.

"I know," Noah said, "now this way!"

He led the way back to the lobby. Where the opening to the outside should be, there was now a glowing yellow door. They were halfway across the room when someone shouted, "You're not going anywhere!"

They all turned around. Standing with a Duel Disk on his arm was an angry looking man in a red suit.

"Gozaburo!" Kaiba said. "I thought we were missing something from this sorry excuse of a story repeat."

"Who?" Johann asked.

"Father!" Noah cried out.

"You're not the only one to make a deal with the card game devil, Noah." Gozaburo said. "You may be too spineless to carry out your revenge, but I'm not!"

"I'll duel you!" Kaiba said. He moved forward, only to stumble and grab his arm again. "Crap, I'm still injured from that duel with Noah."

"How?!" Johann asked.

"I'm not interested in dueling you anyways, Seto." Gozaburo said. "I'd rather duel the one who beat Noah."

"Duel you? With this place about to explode in twenty minutes?! **** no! Screw this, we're outta here!"

He, Kaiba, and Mokuba turned around, only to find Gozaburo blocking the door. He laughed and said, "Not that easy, you brat! The only way out is by beating me in a duel!"

"Get. The ****. Out **of my way!**"

Johann punched Gozaburo and kneed him in the groin. His eyes bulged as he dropped to the floor and curled up. Everyone stared at Johann with surprise.

"Johann," Kaiba said slowly, "did you just punch my stepfather and knee him in the balls?"

"Yeah, I—oh, oh God, I did—." Johann shook his head. "I—."

Kaiba smirked. [+1 dead puppy] "You know, you're not that bad in my book. Now let's get out of here."

He, Johann, and Mokuba ran through the glowing door. Gozaburo uncurled himself and glared at the door. Noah walked up to him and said, "It's over, father."

The P.A. announced, "This base will self-destruct in ten…nine…eight…seven…"

All the lights in the room suddenly went out. Though they couldn't see it, they could feel the dark fog enter the room. The room became colder and faint voices could be heard singing.

"_Are you ready? Are you reaaaaaaady? Are you ready?"_

"What the…?!" Gozaburo said. "What's going on?!"

"The card game devil has come to collect its due." Noah said sadly.

"…three…two…one…"

Their screams were drowned out by the explosion…

…

…

Johann opened his eyes and saw that he was in some sort of pod. The lid opened up and he could see the faces of Yami and Joey.

"Hey, wake up you lazy bum!" Joey said.

"I'm up, I'm up." Johann said as he climbed out of the pod.

He saw that there were similar pods in what looked like to be the basement. He also saw that they were not alone. In addition to Kaiba and Mokuba, Para, Dox, and Pegasus were also there.

"Um," he pointed at them, "why are they here?"

"According to Kaiba-boy," Pegasus said, "we were all brainwashed. I didn't do anything _too _unfabulous while I was controlled, did I?"

"Not that we could see." Yami shrugged.

"Brother," Para said to Dox, "now that we are free, what shall we do?"

"I think we should just duel like we always do." Dox said.

"I might as well stick around for a bit longer." Pegasus said. "I've always wanted to visit Akihabara."

"Um, Johann," Joey said, "what's that in your hand?"

Johann noticed that he was holding two cards: "Shinato's Ark" and "Shinato, King of a Higher Plane".

"How the hell did I get these?" Johann asked.

"I don't know, and I don't care." Kaiba said. "Tomorrow is the Expert Cup tournament, which turned into today since we spent the night in a pointless story arc."

"I'm glad we got that over with so quickly." Yami said. "Two chapters has got to be a new record."

"Wait," Johann said, "today was yesterday? So the tournament is today?"

"Exactly." Kaiba answered.

Yami pulled Joey off to the side. He whispered, "This is getting worse."

"What do you mean, Yug?" Joey whispered back.

"Noah gave Johann his most powerful cards somehow. Undeserved gift giving is a Stu trait. If this keeps up, terrible things will happen."

"What terrible things?"

"…_Terrible_ things, Joey."

* * *

**If you're wondering if those bold words in one of Johann's sentences is a mistake, I'll tell you this right now: it's not.**

Pegasus came out of a store, once again disappointed that they weren't selling any _Spice Girls_ merchandise.

"Sir!" A familiar voice shouted.

He turned his head and saw Bandit Keith. "I was looking all over for you, sir!"

"Bandit Keith?" Pegasus asked. "Why are you calling me 'sir'?"

"Because that's what you told me to call you, sir…in America!"

"Oh dear, I think the original game forgot to remove your brainwashing. Oh well, I could always use another manservant. Carry these bags of clothes for me, would you kindly?"

"Yes sir!"


	16. Part 16: Card Game Royale

**Warning: with the combined efforts of lalalei and AnimaniAshley, this story now has the most reviews out of all my works.**

* * *

-KaibaCorp Dueling Arena, Akihabara Branch-

The arena in Akihabara was jam-packed with spectators. Multiple vendors were going around and selling all sorts of snacks and drinks. Noise pollution was through the roof, messes were being made, money was being spent, and Kaiba couldn't be any happier.

Thinking this while waiting in the locker room with the other finalists and their friends, Kaiba grinned. [+1000 dead puppies]

"Hey, Rebecca, Mai, Bakura, Ishizu," Yami said to them, "why weren't you at Kaiba's party last night?"

"Are you kidding me?" Rebecca asked. "Have you seen the news? I don't want to be one of those duelists that goes comatose if they go out at night!"

"Same here." Mai said. "My breasts have already got enough problems going out a night, with all those rapists out there."

"I was doing some…British things." Bakura said.

"I foresaw that awful story arc and wanted nothing to do with it." Ishizu said.

"Yeah, kind of wish I stayed home during that, too." Yami said.

Johann, meanwhile, was pacing back and forth. He was pretty anxious about the finals. He was up against the best of the best, and he didn't even know if he would make it past the quarterfinals.

"Stop pacing, Johann." Serenity told him. "You just have to give it your best."

"Yeah," he nodded, "thanks, Serenity."

"Serenity!" Joey said. "What about me?"

"You know I'm always rooting for my big brother."

"Welcome to the Expert Cup finals!" The announcer on the TV said. "The winner of this tournament will get cards from Herr Kaiba's personal vault. Not only that, but they will also be given the title of 'The New King of Games'!"

Everyone stared at the TV.

"The New King of Games?!" Yami exclaimed. "Kaiba, why would you do this?!"

"Why?" Kaiba asked. "Because it's not fair if there's only one King of Games, but don't worry, Yugi, you'll still get to keep your title of 'The _Old _King of Games'."

"Old?! I'm not old, but that's not the—!"

"Keep getting angry like that and you'll get more wrinkles, then I won't be able to tell you apart from your Grandpa, _old man_."

"Kaiba. You've just crossed a line you should have never crossed. When we meet each other in the arena, I'll—."

The announcer stepped in and said, "Johann Bocks and Rebecca Hawkins, you're up."

Johann stopped pacing.

_Crap, I've never won against Rebecca before._

"I'm against Johann, huh?" Rebecca asked. She placed Teddy on one of the chairs and told it, "You watch me from here, Teddy. I have to go with Mr. Announcer Guy now."

"I have a name you know." The announcer said, slightly hurt. "It's Roland."

"You had a name?" Kaiba asked.

Johann and Rebecca followed Roland out onto the arena. The crowd went nuts once they stepped up and took their positions.

"The first quarterfinal will now begin!" Roland announced. "Johann Bocks versus Rebecca Hawkins! Begin!"

"I want to duel Yugi in the finals," Rebecca said, "so I got to finish you off first."

"Bring it!" Johann challenged.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Satanic Powers

* * *

-Locker Room-

"You can do it, Johann!" Bakura cheered at the TV.

"Go Johann!" Serenity also cheered.

"I can't believe you two are rooting for him." Tea said. "What if he goes up against Joey or Yugi? Who would you cheer for then?"

"I would still be rooting for Johann." Bakura said.

"I would cheer for both of them." Serenity said.

"This is bad." Joey told Yami. "Now Serenity's fallen for the Stu."

"His Stuper powers are only going to get stronger if he wins the finals." Yami said.

"You did get your good deck back, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I got Kaiba's help in catching that Annoying Dog. All he had to do was smile and it dropped dead and turned into ash. I found my deck in its ashes, though I had a hell of a time cleaning it." He took out his deck and said, "No one has ever beaten me with this deck before, and I intend for it to stay that way."

He looked at Ishizu and called out to her, "Hey, Ishizu! I'm going to win this tournament, aren't I?"

"You won't." She said. "I have foreseen the future with my Millennium Necklace, and it showed me that Johann will win the tournament."

"The hell with that Necklace, I'll make sure I win!"

"You can't change the future, Pharaoh, and even if you succeeded in your stupid attempt, destiny would only screw you over."

"To quote one of this story's reviewers: who is stupider, the one trying to screw with destiny or the destiny trying to screw with the one trying to screw with destiny?"

"I…I can't answer that."

"Oh, why's that? Can't you foresee your own remark to that comment?"

"I can, and it's this: because shut up."

"Alright!" Bakura suddenly shouted. "Johann won!"

"Would you not shout in my ear, Limey-boy?" Tea asked irritably.

Johann and Rebecca had now returned to the lounge.

"Not many people have beaten me," she told him, "so do me a favor and win this tournament."

"I'll give it my best."

"No, I want your word on it! Say you'll win it!"

"Alright alright, I'll win this tournament."

"And you better win! Anybody's who's beaten me is not allowed to lose!"

"Now Rebecca's joined the Stu side of the Force." Joey muttered.

Roland poked his head through the door and said, "Joey Wheeler and Ryou Bakura, you're both up next."

"Nyeh?! I'm up against that freaky guy?!" He pointed at Bakura.

"Joey," Bakura said, "I don't see why you always have to say such hurtful things."

"I'll kick your scary ass!"

_Bakura seems like his usual self_, Johann thought, _but how long is that going to last?_

He took a seat as they followed Roland out. Rebecca had picked Teddy back up and sat in the chair it had previously occupied. Mai walked over and sat next to Johann.

"So, congrats on winning the quarterfinals," she said, "but don't expect to win the rest of the tournament."

"I…" He looked at Rebecca, then back at Mai. "I'm going to win this."

"It's time for the second quarterfinal!" Roland said on the TV. "Joey Wheeler versus Ryou Bakura! Begin!"

Bakura suddenly laughed and said, "Looks like I get to play with the mutt today."

"You!" Joey pointed. "I knew I was going to be facing you!"

_Huh? Joey knows about the other Bakura? If he knows, then Yugi probably knows as well._

"Of course we were going to be facing each other. Did you really think I would let my weaker, less developed character take center stage? But enough of that, it's time to put you down, mutt."

"Not a chance!"

"Duel!"

Brooklyn Rage! vs. Hell's Dominion

_I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I hope Joey wins, otherwise I'll have to duel _him_ in the semifinals._

"I don't like how Bakura's acting." Mai said. "Joey better win this one."

"Attention duelists!" A familiar voice said. "My hair is selling snacks!"

Sure enough, the Hair Guy was back with his box of snacks.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Rebecca said excitedly. "Teddy and I want chocolate!"

Johann ignored the noise around him and focused on the TV. Already, he could see that Bakura had gotten some new cards, and he was beating Joey with them. His gut sank when he saw that Bakura had won.

"What?" Mai said. "Joey lost?"

The doors opened up and Joey stumbled through. Yami and Serenity ran to his side and caught him before he could fall over.

"Joey!" They both cried out.

"Nyeh…" Joey mumbled. "Even though we weren't playing a Shadow Game, I feel like I'm gonna pass out. This game's writing really su…"

Joey went limp in their arms. Bakura laughed as he walked into the room.

"Joey was only my first victim." He said. He made eye contact with Johann and said, "You're next, Johann."

_Oh s***! It looks like he wants to kill me!_

Kaiba ran over to the doors and shouted, "Get someone to bring Wheeler to the medical center!"

"Ja, Herr Kaiba!" Roland said.

Another man in a black suit came in and asked in a German accent, "How can I serve you, Herr Kaiba?"

Kaiba jerked a thumb towards Joey. "Get this mutt to a doctor."

"Ja, mein führer."

The man took Joey and carried him away.

"Kaiba," Serenity said with surprise, "I didn't know you cared about Joey."

"I don't. Even unconscious, the sight of him makes me sick."

Roland poked his head in and said, "Yugi Muto and Ishizu Ishtar, you are both up next."

"Understood." Ishizu said.

"This should be easy." Yami said.

They both followed Roland out. Johann, who was still being stared at by Bakura, decided that he needed to get away for a moment. He announced that he was going to the toilet and ran out of the locker room.

Tea looked at Bakura and asked, "Did you just make him crap his pants or something?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if I did." He said.

"Um, I know you're evil and all that, but beat him for me, will you?"

"Oh? Have I gained another fangirl?"

"No way, Limey, I just don't like Johann."

"The third quarterfinal will now begin!" Everyone heard Roland say on the TV. "Yugi Muto versus Ishizu Ishtar! Begin!"

"I must warn you," Yami said, "I'm using my good deck."

"I know that, Pharaoh." Ishizu said.

"Duel!"

Motherflippin vs. Shut Up

"I start by placing two cards and a monster facedown." Yami said. "Your move, Ishizu."

"Yes," she said, "my move."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I surrender."

"…"

"…"

"…What?"

"You heard me. I surrender."

"Are you serious?"

"I already know that I'm going to lose, so I decided to get it over with and surrender."

"Uh…" Roland seemed just as surprised as Yami. "The winner…is Yugi Muto!"

There was no applause or cheering from the audience.

"Wow." Rebecca said. "That was disappointing."

"I know." Mai said.

"This coming from the skank who surrendered when we dueled." Tea said.

Yami, Ishizu, and Roland reentered the locker room. Roland said, "Herr Kaiba and Mai Valentine, you're next."

"I get to duel Kaiba?" Mai asked. "This should be fun."

"Yeah, it'll be fun," Kaiba smirked, [+1 dead puppy] "fun for me when I beat you."

They followed Roland out. Yami approached the Hair Guy and asked, "You got any soda on you?"

"Sure thing." He pulled a box of sodas out of nowhere. "I sure am glad my hair has hammerspace."

"Just curious, but what else do you have in that hammerspace of yours?"

"Hair products, an invisible gun, five spare pairs of shades, and a photo of my mother."

"But no trading cards?"

"Attention duelists! I am actually not a duelist!"

"The last quarterfinal will now begin!" Roland announced. "Herr Seto Kaiba versus Mai Valentine! Begin!"

"Duel!"

Screw the Rules vs. Booby Kingdom

All the men in the crowd cheered and wolf whistled when they saw Mai's deck name.

"That's a pathetic name for your deck," Kaiba said, "but I suppose it fits a pathetic person like you."

"Oh yeah," Mai said, "I keep forgetting that you're only attracted to your 'Blue-Eyes White Dragon'."

"Ixnay on the opictay." He glared.

"But everyone knows you can't have sex with it, so you **** your money instead."

"You've just crossed a line that you should have never crossed. You are so ****ing dead!"

"Mai's going to get it now." Yami said.

"Johann's been in the bathroom for too long." Rebecca said. "I wonder if something's wrong with him?"

"Forget about Johann and watch this curb stomping duel."

Just as he said that, Johann had finally returned. He did not look at Bakura as he took his seat. Grinning, Bakura sauntered up to him and asked, "Scared you'll lose to me?"

Johann refused to make eye contact. "N-no."

"Do I detect fear in your voice? Relax, Johann. I won't be _too_ hard on you."

"OMG!" Tea blushed. "This gives me a new idea for Losershipping!"

"Losershipping? What the hell is Losershipping?"

"Nothing!" Johann blurted out. "It's nothing!"

"The winner is Herr Kaiba!" Roland said. "We will now take a ten minute recess before we start the semifinals!"

_Ten minutes. In ten minutes I have to duel this evil son of a bitch. ****._

* * *

**Sixteen parts. Never thought I would actually get this far, and yet I have further to go.**

"So," Bakura said to Teddy, "how are things at the Council going?"

"**Nowhere.**" It answered. "**All Marik's been doing is crying in his room. He won't say it in front of us, but he misses you.**"

"I…I miss him too. Things at Dartz's Council aren't exactly that great, either."

"**He's actually coming here in a few days to try to take Yugi's Puzzle again. You should at least say hi to him.**"

"I…maybe I should. Maybe then I can tell him…"


	17. Part 17: The King of Games and I

**Warning: there is another story arc after this one.**

* * *

-Locker Room-

"Johann Bocks and Ryou Bakura," Roland called, "you're up."

"Last chance to back out, Johann." Bakura taunted.

"N-no way." Johann tried to be brave. "I've come this far, and I'm not going to drop out."

They both followed Roland to the arena and got into their positions.

"The first semifinal will now begin!" Roland announced. "Johann Bocks versus Ryou Bakura! Begin!"

"You had your chance." Bakura said. "I'm going to do horrible things to you once I beat you, Johann, things so horrible that they'll make _Corpse Party_ look like _Bambi_!"

"I'm not scared of you!" Johann said.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Hell's Dominion

* * *

-Locker Room-

"Is anyone else rooting for the evil Brit?" Tea asked.

"I am." Yami said.

"Sorry, hon," Mai said, "but I want Johann to win."

"Same here." Rebecca joined in.

"Me too." Serenity said.

"I could care less about either of them." Kaiba remarked.

_Already more people are falling for that guy_, Yugi thought_. It seems the only ones unaffected are us, Tea, Joey, and Kaiba._

_That's right_, Yami thought back. _I don't care what Ishizu says, we have to beat Johann._

* * *

-Arena-

[It is the third match. Johann has 4400 LP, two cards facedown, and the monsters Gil Garth (1800/1200), Newdoria (1200/800), and Dunames Dark Witch (1800/1050). Bakura has 1200 LP, one card facedown, and no monsters.]

"I'm sure you can guess what's coming next, Johann." Bakura said.

"Yeah, pretty sure I can." Johann fidgeted slightly.

"I banish three of my Fiend monsters from my graveyard to special summon 'Dark Necrofear'!"

[Dark Necrofear (2200/2800) rises from the ground.]

"I attack your 'Newdoria'!"

[Newdoria is destroyed and Johann loses 400 LP.]

"I activate 'Newdoria's special ability," Johann declared, "and use it to destroy your 'Dark Necrofear'!

[Dark Necrofear is destroyed, but a shadow lingers where it once stood.]

"Now _I_ activate 'Dark Necrofear's special ability!" Bakura said. "I can possess one of your monsters, and I choose your 'Gil Garth'!"

[The shadow enters Gil Garth and it moves to Bakura's side of the field.]

"I place a monster face down and end my turn."

"I sacrifice 'Dunames Dark Witch' to summon 'Luminous Soldier' and attack 'Gil Garth'!"

[Luminous Soldier (2100/1400) is summoned and attacks Gil Garth. Because it's a Dark monster, Johann's monster gets (+500 ATK). Gil Garth is destroyed, bringing Bakura's LP to 400.]

"I end my turn."

"Close game," Bakura said, "but I place another monster facedown and—."

"Activate trap card: 'Ceasefire'! All facedown monsters are flipped face up without triggering their flip effects and you lose 500 LP for each effect monster on the field!"

[Bakura's facedown monsters are revealed to be Mask of Darkness (900/400) and Giant Germ (1000/100). There are three effect monsters, so Bakura loses 1500 LP, bringing him down to 0.]

"You…beat me again?" Bakura laughed. "Fine, you win for now, Johann, but just wait until next time."

"The winner: Johann Bocks!" Roland said.

Bakura blinked and rubbed his head. He said, "Huh? Where am—is this the Expert Cup finals?"

"Bakura?" Johann asked. "Are you…_you_?"

"Oh bollocks, did my evil alter ego take over again?"

"You know about it?"

"Yeah. Um…did we just finish a duel?"

"We did, now let's get back to the locker room."

As they made their way back, Johann asked, "So that evil you, does it come from the Ring?"

Bakura nodded.

"Then why don't you get rid of it?"

"Believe me, Johann, I've tried. Each time I get rid of it, though, it always comes back. It's like an evil boomerang that won't leave me alone."

Once they were back, Roland called out, "Yugi Muto and Herr Kaiba, it's time for the second semifinal!"

"This was going to happen eventually." Yami said to Kaiba.

"It always does," he agreed, "but this time, I'm going to win."

They both accompanied Roland to the arena. Johann asked Bakura, "Can I try to get rid of it? That guy scares me."

Bakura removed the Ring and handed it to Johann. "Sure, but I'm not holding my breath."

The Ring was cold to the touch. Johann gripped it tightly and went to look for a place to get rid of it. He thought of flushing it down the toilet, but he doubted it would fit through the pipes. His next thought was to leave it in a dumpster. He went out of the arena's back door and spotted a dumpster. He opened the lid, threw the Ring inside, and ran back to the locker room.

He was left dumbfounded when he saw the Ring back around Bakura's neck.

"See? Told you so." Bakura sighed. He then grinned and said, "You can't get rid of me that easily, Johann."

Johann gulped and took a few steps away from Bakura. He laughed and walked away.

"The second semifinal will now begin!" Roland announced on the TV. "Yugi Muto versus Herr Seto Kaiba! Begin!"

"You know, Kaiba," Yami said, "dueling you has got to be the most normal thing that has happened in this story so far."

"Compared to what happened chapters ago," he said, "I have to agree, but I'm still going to win this."

"Kaiba, the day you beat me in a duel will be the day your company goes bankrupt."

"Don't jinx it, Muto."

"Duel!"

Motherflippin vs. Screw the Rules

Everyone's undivided attention was now on the duel. Johann took note of what cards Yami and Kaiba had, but it didn't necessarily make him feel better about the final match. No matter who won, he would be dueling against a legend.

To no one's surprise, Yami was the winner.

"Defeated…again!" Kaiba said. "One of these days, Yugi—!"

"I know, I know: pow! Straight to the moon!" Yami pretended to yawn.

"The winner is Yugi Muto!" Roland said. "We will have another ten minute recess before the final match!"

_So it'll be me and Yugi._ Johann thought. _Crap! My heart won't stop pounding!_

As soon as Yugi and Kaiba got back, a voice called out, "Hey guys!"

To everyone's surprise, it was Joey.

"Joey!" Serenity and Tea cried out.

"Joey?" Yami asked. "Shouldn't you be at the medical center?"

"I got better." Joey said. "There's no way I'm going to miss the final match! So, who's in it?"

"Me and Johann."

"Alright! You get him, Johann!"

Yami flinched.

"Huh?" Johann was surprised at what he heard. "Uh, thanks?"

_We lost Joey!_ Yugi despaired.

Roland poked his head through the door and said, "Johann Bocks and Yugi Muto, it's time for the final match."

"Yugi," Kaiba said, "I'm the only one allowed to beat you, so don't you dare lose to this kid."

"I don't plan to." Yami said grimly.

He and Johann followed Roland to the arena. The cheering from the crowd was thunderous.

"And now for the duel that everyone's been waiting for!" Roland announced. "This is the final battle of the Expert Cup! Johann Bocks versus Yugi Muto! The winner will become The New King of Games! Begin!"

"Nervous, Johann?" Yami taunted.

"I'm about to duel you, Yugi Muto, in front of every geek in Akihabara," Johann said, "of course I'm nervous!"

"It might make you feel better if you imagine yourself naked in front of everyone."

"That doesn't make me feel better at all!"

"It _doesn't_? Well, try imagining yourself naked in front of a stadium full of fangirls with cameras."

"Just shut up and duel me!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Motherflippin

"Now!" Yami said. "I'll start by…"

He stared at his hand, which had nothing but spell and trap cards. He felt a sense of déjà vu.

_Yugi! _He thought._ The Heart of the Cards isn't working!_

_Well, when was the last time you praised it?_

_Right after my duel with Kaiba!_

_This…this isn't right. The Heart of the Cards was always with us when we needed it most._

"I…uh…I place two cards facedown and end my turn."

"Bad hand?" Johann asked. "Too bad, because my hand is great! I place a card facedown and summon…"

_Oh my many gods, the Heart of the Cards is favoring Johann! His Stuper powers are too great!_

_Come on, Pharaoh! We can't give up yet!_

* * *

-Two matches later-

Everyone stared at the outcome in shock.

"Oh…" Tea said.

"My…" Rebecca joined in.

"Money." Kaiba finished. "He did it"

"He did it." Ishizu agreed.

"He did it!" Joey exclaimed.

_He…he did not_, Yami thought.

_He…he did_, Yugi thought.

"The winner of the Expert Cup!" Roland announced. "Johann Bocks!"

The audience went into an uproar.

"I…I did it!" Johann said. "I did it! I won!"

Everyone in the locker room went up to the arena and gathered around Johann and Yugi. Kaiba approached Johann and said grumpily, "You won the Expert Cup, so you're the New King of Games. Don't expect to hold that title for long, though, because I'll be taking it from you."

"And the cards from your vault, Herr Kaiba?" Roland asked.

"Yes, and my cards. Here."

He took out three cards and handed them to Johann. He saw that they were all magic cards, but…

"You guys are on the cards." Johann said.

Everyone looked over his shoulders. One magic card, "Unity", had Yugi, Joey, Tea, Tristan, and Duke on the cover. The second one, "Friendship", had Yami and Joey on it. The last one, "Seto Kaiba", had…Seto Kaiba on it.

"Friendship is a card?!" Tea asked. "Best. Card. Ever!"

"Wait a minute," Joey said, "when did we become trading cards?"

"Pegasus made those cards after Yugi beat him." Kaiba explained. "Actually, most people would rather collect them than play them."

"Okay," Yami said, "but what about you?"

Johann read the card effect out loud, "'Destroys all cards on the field.' This is overpowered!"

"That's because I'm Seto Kaiba," Kaiba said, "I'm so awesome that my mere presence destroys everything. Of course, because it's so powerful, it's considered to be a banned card."

Johann looked over the other two cards and said, "I can't really see myself using these other two."

"I said that I would give you cards from my personal vault, but that doesn't mean that I'll give you all my best cards. Be grateful that I'm giving you only one of my more powerful cards."

"Yeah, I'll put this one to good use."

Roland raised his arm in the air and said, "Three cheers for the New King of Games!"

Everyone in the crowd burst into cheers and applause.

* * *

-A dream-

_Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan._

"Again?"

_Yes, again. Congratulations on becoming the New King of Games._

"Thanks."

_However, this is only one step towards your destiny. We have one last questionnaire for you._

"Last one? Good."

_What is the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?_

A. 42

B. Love

C. Card Games

"Are you serious?"

_Very serious._

"Love is the only answer that makes sense."

_Not one for deep thought, We see. What is the purpose of your existence?_

A. To be you

B. To serve a greater purpose

C. To entertain others

"These questions…why are you asking them?"

_So that We may know you better. Now answer._

"I…don't know. I'm just me."

_Finally, who are you?_

A. Gary Stu

B. No one

C. Johann Bocks

"…What the hell are you getting at?! I'm Johann Bocks, dammit! Why the hell are you asking **these stupid ****ing questions?!**"

…

"Well?!"

_We will see you soon._

* * *

**If anyone wants to talk to me about the last dream sequence, send me a PM, but do ****not**** post anything about it in the reviews.**

"**Unity" and "Friendship" are actual cards, but sadly, "Seto Kaiba" is not.**

Kaiba swung the sledgehammer onto the virtual reality pod one last time. He personally wanted to make sure that no one was pulled into the virtual world and its filler arcs again. He looked over the destroyed pods and wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"There," he said, "if I want to play virtual reality games, I'll stick with the Oculus Rift."

His phone rang. He took it out and answered, "This is Seto Kaiba."

"Herr Kaiba!" One of his employees said. "Terrible news! Someone has broken into your personal vault again!"

"Again?!" _That's it: I'm changing the lock combination to something other than 12345._ "What was taken?"

"Only one card, mein führer. It's…"

Kaiba's eyes widened when he heard the name.

"They. Did. _Not!_"


	18. Part 18: The Kid's Not Alright

**Warning: things start falling apart.**

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann received two emails the next morning. One was a notification from KaibaCorp allowing the use of one banned card per deck for all duelists. Seeing this, he was now really looking forward to using that "Seto Kaiba" card. The other email left him worried.

"To all duelists:

Recently, a group of criminals known as the Rare Hunters have attacked and stolen rare cards from duelists in every area. The attacks mainly occurred at night. KaibaCorp is using all its resources to investigate the horrendous situation. We caution everyone to be careful when leaving your homes."

_First those duelists that challenged people to Shadow Games, now a gang of thieves. Another reason not to duel at…_

He looked at his Duel Disk.

_Actually, what do I do now? The tournament's over, and I'm the New King of Games, but what now? I got another month of summer vacation, so do I keep dueling?_

His thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. Wondering who it could be, he went to the front door and opened it.

Standing there was Ishizu.

"We meet again, Johann Bocks." She said.

"Ishizu?" He asked. "How did you know where I lived?"

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that you are a chosen one."

"A…what?"

"You desire power, right?"

"I…**of course**, but why are you asking?"

"Have you heard of the Egyptian God Cards?"

"No."

"It's pretty self-explanatory, but they're cards that hold the spirits of the three ancient Egyptian Gods: Obelisk the Tormentor, Slifer the Sky Dragon, and The Winged Dragon of Ra. Of course, they used to have different names, but no one thought they were funny."

"Those aren't Egyptian gods! What about Osiris, Anubis—?"

"Shut up and let me continue. Just possessing one of these cards grants the wielder great power, but only the chosen ones can wield them. You, Johann Bocks, are one of them. As such I will now give you—."

"Ishizu!"

Kaiba ran up to them. He pointed a finger at Ishizu and said, "I know it was you that stole my God Card, now give it back!"

"Wait," Johann said, "you _stole_ a God Card from Kaiba?!"

"Seto Kaiba," Ishizu said, "the plot dictates that you are no longer worthy of 'Obelisk the Tormentor'. Johann has been chosen as its new wielder."

"Bulls***! That's my card and I want it back!"

"If you want it back, then duel Johann."

"What?!" Johann said. "I don't want a stolen card!"

"I don't consider it 'stolen' if it's being given to its rightful owner."

"Fine!" Kaiba said. "You and me, Johann! The winner gets the God Card!"

"Really? _Really?!_ I haven't even had breakfast yet!"

"Just shut up and get your Duel Disk."

Johann grumbled and went back inside his house. He came back out a minute later with his Duel Disk. They went to the street and got into their positions.

"Last time we dueled, I totally annihilated you," Kaiba said, "and that's going to happen again!"

"I don't even know why we're dueling over a card I don't want!"

"You don't choose the God Card, Johann," Ishizu said, "it chooses you."

"That's a load of crap, and I've seen magic at work!"

"I have to agree with Johann," Kaiba said, "_you_ gave me that card when we first met, and now you're saying this kid deserves it more than I do?!"

Ishizu looked at him straight in the eye and said, "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, now duel so we can get this part over with."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Screw the Rules

"Johann, there is no way you can beat me." Kaiba taunted. "I beat you with my weak deck last time, and now you're going up against my best one, and it has my 'Blue-Eyes White Dragons' in it!"

"I'll just make sure you don't summon them, then. I place two cards facedown and…"

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Johann has 2300 LP, two cards facedown, and no monsters. Kaiba has 3700 LP, four cards facedown, and the monsters Blue-Eyes White Dragon (3000/2500) and Vorse Raider (1900/1400).]

Kaiba laughed. "It's all over, Johann! I told you you couldn't beat me! Now I attack you with my 'Blue-Eyes'!"

"No way!" Johann said. "Activate magic card: 'Seto Kaiba'!"

[All cards on the field are destroyed.]

"…Did I just pwn myself?" Kaiba asked.

"Yeah, you kind of shot yourself in the foot when you allowed the use of one banned card in each deck. Thanks for that. I summon 'Maha Vailo' and equip it with 'Axe of Despair' and 'Malevolent Nuzzler'!"

[Maha Vailo (1550/1400) is summoned with both Axe of Despair and Malevolent Nuzzler, making it (4250/1400).]

"I attack you directly!"

[The monster attacks, bringing Kaiba's LP to 0.]

Kaiba gaped. "I…I lost? It was bad enough losing to Yugi, but now I lost to this kid?!"

"There you have it," Ishizu said, "Johann is more worthy of 'Obelisk'."

"I…I…"

Kaiba suddenly ran off. Ishizu approached Johann and said, "You have proven yourself to be a chosen one. I now grant you one of the three God Cards: 'Obelisk the Tormentor'."

She took out a card and handed it to Johann. He stared in awe at the card he had just received. The card was insanely powerful and monster on the cover looked menacing. For some reason, though, he also felt a twinge of familiarity when he laid his eyes on it.

"Now," Ishizu said, "I must ask a favor of you."

"What is it?" Johann asked.

"I have said that there are three Egyptian God Cards. You hold one of them, and the Pharaoh has the second one, but the third was stolen from me. This thief plans to take all the God Cards and do terrible things. I want you to stop him and get that card back."

"What terrible things?"

"_Terrible_ things."

"Can't you just steal it back? You stole Kaiba's card easily enough."

"I have already foreseen the future, and it shows you defeating him in a duel and taking the card back."

"Can't you just take this to the police and let them handle it? Why does it have to be me?"

"The police don't take trading card theft seriously, and it has to be you because shut up. I would start your search with the Rare Hunters."

"Wait, you want me to find the gang that's been stealing everyone's cards? Sorry, but I'm not cut out for this type of work."

"But thou must."

"No, I don't. Find someone else to do it."

Johann turned around and headed back to his house. He heard Ishizu say, "Fine, but don't blame me when destiny comes to screw you back."

* * *

-Evening-

Johann was walking back from the store with a bag of groceries in his arm. On his way home, he saw Yami walking in the opposite direction.

"Hey, Johann," Yami said, "you got that email about the Rare Hunters, right?"

"Yeah," he answered, "that's why I'm trying to hurry home."

"You know that email is a lie, right? It's perfectly safe to go out at night when I'm around."

"Not chancing it."

"There is _no_ danger out there whatsoever."

"Yugi, are you _trying_ to get me robbed?"

"What makes you say that?"

"…Nevermind."

Johann continued to walk home. Just as he had arrived at his door, however, he heard someone call out, "Hold it right there, New King of Games!"

He turned around. Standing across the street was what looked like a street magician wearing a striped mask. He also had a Duel Disk on his arm. He said, "I would like to play a game."

"Not interested."

"Why not? You have a Duel Disk, too."

"That's for my protection against guys who want to send me to the Shadow Realm."

"So, people like me, then."

"Yes, people like—oh hell no!"

Johann shoved his hand down his pocket so he could quickly get his keys. At the same time, the duelist ran across the street. Just as Johann pulled out his keys and tried to get them in the lock, he grabbed his wrist and pulled it back. Johann dropped his bag of groceries and went to grab his pepper spray, but the duelist caught his other wrist.

"Are you seriously trying to run away from this game?" He asked.

"Yes! Now let go!"

"Not until you agree to the game."

"Alright already! I swear, after I beat you, I'm never going out at night again."

The duelist let go of Johann's wrists. They moved onto the street and got into their positions.

"My name is Arkana, by the way," he said, "Steve Arkana. I am one of the Rare Hunters, so once I beat you, I'll take your rarest card."

"I figured as much." Johann grumbled.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Saw Franchise

"What does that even mean?" Johann asked.

"It means I love the _Saw_ Franchise." Arkana said. "It's too bad we're not playing in an arena with Dark Energy Disks that won't slice off your legs."

"With…what?"

"Oh, and let's have a proper duel this time. Last time I was defeated by spoilers, and I don't want that to happen again."

"Defeated by spoilers? Well, if it will get me out of this duel…"

"Wait! No!"

"Kylo Ren kills—!"

* * *

-Many spoilers later-

"—their real name is Frisk, the aliens are weak against water, and Leslie was an ad all along."

"No…" Arkana clutched his head. "No! I can't believe you said all that!"

"I can't believe you told me how to beat you."

"Don't think this is over! We all know where you live now!"

Arkana turned and ran off.

_Wait, what the hell did I just do? Did I beat him without dueling? I…what the hell is wrong with me?_

Johann gathered his groceries and went in his house. Inside, he did a lot of thinking.

_I'm not going out with those Rare Hunters prowling the city. They probably know I'm the New King of Games, so I'm most likely their number one target. Maybe I should stop dueling until they're taken care of._

_**But if I stop dueling, I'll be nothing again.**_

_No, I'm not nothing. I'm—._

_**The New King of Games; I can't stop dueling. I can't be nothing again.**_

_I was never nothing! I am—._

_**Nothing, until I became the New King. Now I am something, everything, I…**_

Johann screamed and banged his head against the wall. He did not know where half of his thoughts were coming from, and that scared him.

Something was seriously wrong with him.

* * *

**First Yami Bakura, now this. What is it with me writing unintentional horror?**

Marik looked over the pile of rare cards that his Rare Hunters had collected for the night. All of them had reported and turned in their cards, save for one. Just as he was wondering where he went, Arkana entered the room.

"You're late, Steve." Marik said.

"So sorry, master," Arkana said, "but I challenged the New King of Games and lost!"

"New King of Games? So you challenged Yugi and lost?"

"Not Yugi, my master; the New King of Games is Johann Bocks."

"Who the frig is Johann Bocks?! Is he a chicken? Bock bock bock, Johann bocks like a chicken?"

"You don't know? He's the Expert Cup champion, and the one who beat Yugi Muto in the finals."

"He _what_?! He must have very powerful cards if he's able to beat him! That's it: I'm sending all my Rare Hunters after him. Once I get his cards, then I can finally beat Yugi in a duel…and his leather shoes will be mine!"


	19. Part 19: Army of Steves

**Warning: Steves.**

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann spent the next day dueling people he knew. He had to get his mind off of the Rare Hunters somehow, and he had gotten tired of watching videos on the internet. He knew that as long as he outside during the day, no one would come after him…hopefully.

While he was in Akihabara, he nearly bumped into someone.

"Hey! Watch where the frig you're going!"

The person was a boy around his age. He had platinum blond hair and lavender eyes. Johann saw that he was also a duelist.

"Sorry." Johann apologized.

"Wait a minute, that red hair…you're Johann Bocks, the champion! I'm Mari—I mean Malik, Malik Blishtar. I've heard all sorts of cool things about you!"

"Cool things? Like what?"

"Like how you beat Yugi and…um…"

"…"

"…um…you're friggin cool, you know that?"

"Uh, thanks. Want to duel?"

"Ha ha ha, no way, a champion like you would kiss—I mean kick my ass without a problem. You have powerful cards; I can sense it."

"You can…sense I have powerful cards?"

"Yeah, it's like Spidey senses, except, you know, cards. Anyways, I hope to see you around!"

Malik waved and walked away.

_So that was Johann chicken Bocks_, he thought_, kind of pretty—pretty ordinary looking, but his deck…my deck senses haven't been this crazy since I've met Yugi and Kaiba. Whatever cards he has, I _must _have them!_

Johann returned home before the sun could set. He locked all the doors and windows and stayed holed up in his room. He had dinner and played games on his computer. Tonight, everything was going to be normal.

Johann jumped out of his seat when he heard the door knock. He carefully walked to the door and looked through the peephole. Standing there was a freaky looking man with short, lavender hair and a Duel Disk. He banged on the door with his fist again.

"Johann Bocks!" He said in a voice similar to Marvin the Martian's. "Open this door in the name of Mars!"

Johann said nothing and slowly backed away from the door.

"I can hear you in there, so come out!"

"Go away before I call the police!" Johann threatened.

The man laughed. "Like you would actually call the police!"

Johann pulled out his phone, only to see that it wasn't working. He saw purple fog creep underneath the door. He banged his fist against a nearby wall in frustration.

"God damn this shadow magic!" He swore.

"Yes," the man said, "and I won't leave you alone until you come out and duel me."

_Son of a…_

Johann went to his room and grabbed his Duel Disk. He went back to the front door and slammed it open. He glared daggers at the man.

"Okay." He said angrily. "Here I am. Let's get this s*** over with."

They both went to the street to duel.

"I am Steve the Martian," the man said, "and I'm a Rare Hunter. My deck is invincible! There is no way you can—."

"Yeah yeah, shut up and duel already."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Martian Deckhunter

"Are all of you Rare Hunters named Steve?" Johann asked.

"Yes." Steve answered. "Now I will start by…"

* * *

-Several turns later-

[Johann has 6200 LP, no cards facedown, and the monsters Wall of Illusion (1000/1850), Gil Garth (1800/1200), and Slate Warrior (1900/400). Steve has 3500 LP, one card facedown, and one facedown monster. Johann draws a card.]

_Wow, I got "Obelisk"! Time to give this monster a try._

"I play 'Stop Defense' to bring your monster in attack mode." Johann said.

[The monster is revealed to be Royal Magic Library (0/2000).]

"I now sacrifice three monsters to summon 'Obelisk the Tormentor'!"

[All his monsters are sacrificed. Obelisk (4000/4000) appears and towers over everyone and everything.]

_Holy s***! I can practically _feel _that thing's power! __**And it's mine…**_

"What?!" Steve shouted in surprise. "Why do _you_ have 'Obelisk the Tormentor'?!"

"I destroy your monster! Steve, consider yourself _pwned_!"

[Obelisk obliterates Royal Magic Library. Somewhere, two voices saying "Toooooorrrrmeeeeeent" could be heard. Steve's LP drops to 0.]

"N-No way!" Steve dropped to his knees.

"Johann?!" A familiar voice shouted.

He turned his head and saw Yami run towards him. He skidded to a stop when he saw "Obelisk". The holograms then vanished, the duel having been concluded.

"Johann…" Yami's eyes widened. "Why the hell do you have Kaiba's card!?"

"_**That's what I want to know!**_"

They both looked at Steve. His eyes were blank and there was a glowing golden eye on his forehead. When he spoke, it was like a mix of two voices speaking together.

"_**Tell me, Johann!**_" Steve demanded. "_**Why do you have that card?!**_"

"It was given to me," Johann said defensively, "and you can't have it!"

"Aside from that," Yami said, "what the hell are you and your hunters doing here again, Marik?"

"Marik?"

"_**Don't you know, Pharaoh? It's that time of the month again.**_"

"You're on your period?"

"_**No! I may be effeminate, but I am not a woman! It's that time where I get rare cards and try to take both your screen time and your leather shoes!**_"

"Wait…you're _not _a woman?"

"_**Frig no!**_"

"Fooled me."

"Wait wait wait," Johann said, "I thought you were Steve?"

"_**I am Marik Ishtar, and I am speaking through this puppet with the power of my Millennium Rod.**_"

"Ishtar? Are you related to Ishizu?"

"_**What do you know about—oh frig, was she the one who gave you that God Card?!**_"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm guessing you're the one who took that third card from her?"

"'_**The Winged Dragon of Ra' belongs to me, as do the other God Cards! With them, I will annihilate the Pharaoh and obtain his screen time and leather shoes!**_"

"Screen time and…shoes. _This_ is what this is all about?"

From nowhere, Serenity appeared and ran up to them. She said, "Johann, Yugi! I can't find my brother anywhere!"

"Joey's missing?" Yami asked.

The possessed Steve laughed. "_**Yes, I have Joey, or should I say, Steve. Honestly, I don't know why he didn't change his name back, but all the better for me! Good luck trying to find him!**_" He laughed and ran off.

"He took Joey?" Johann clenched his fists. "Okay, now it's personal."

"Can you find him, Johann?" Serenity asked.

"_I_ will find him." Yami said.

"Thank you."

"We'll start first thing in the morning."

* * *

-The next day-

Johann started his search in Akihabara. He looked around the area with the help of his Duel Radar. He focused on the dots with three or four stars. So far, he only found weaker duelists.

When it was mid-afternoon, he finally spotted him. He was leaning against a wall with a soda in his hand. Johann let out a sigh of relief; Joey was alright.

"Joey!" He called out.

Joey threw his soda out and briskly walked away. Johann ran after him until they were both in a deserted alleyway. Johann grabbed Joey's shoulder and said, "Stop! Serenity's worried about you!"

Joey finally stopped and turned around. His eyes were blank and he had a golden eye on his forehead. He said, "_**Hello again, Johann chicken Bocks.**_"

"That odd voice…Marik!"

"_**Yes, it is I, Marik Ishtar, and I have taken control of Steve!**_"

"His name is Joey."

"_**He had his name legally changed to Steve, so now he is under my control!**_"

"And what does having the name Steve have anything to do with you possessing him?"

"_**The Millennium Rod can only control the minds of those named Steve, don't ask why. Anyway, duel me!**_"

Johann's face went pale, but he asked, "You took control of him…just so you could duel me? Why not duel me yourself, you coward?"

"_**Because you would kiss—I mean kick my ass if I dueled you myself.**_"

"…You're the kid I met yesterday."

"_**Am not—uh, I mean, what kid?**_"

"Yeah, you're him. Fine, I'll duel you, but you have to let Joey go afterwards."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Brooklyn Rage!

The alleyway grew dark as the familiar purple fog rolled in.

"A Shadow Game?!" Johann said. "But it's still day!"

"_**Who says that Shadow Games are limited to being played during the night?**_" Marik asked. _**"I'll start by…**_"

* * *

-Many turns later-

"_**You beat me!**_" Marik exclaimed.

"I did," Johann said, "now give Joey back!"

Joey squeezed his eyes shut and clutched onto his head. He mumbled something before opening his eyes again. He said, "_**No way. I'm keeping this Steve. See you—huh? What do you want, Odion?**_"

"What?"

"_**Yeah, hang on a minute, I can't talk through Steve and to Odion at the same time…you found out what? Oh…**_" He laughed. "_**This is perfect! Just perfect! I'll see you soon, 'Johann'.**_"

He ran off. At the same time, Yami showed up.

"Late again." He muttered. "Were you able to free Joey from Marik's control?"

"No." Johann shook his head sadly.

"Some hero you are. Listen, while I was looking for Joey, I couldn't help but notice that Tea was missing as well."

"Marik got her too?!"

"Most likely, since he changed her name to Steve in the second season."

"When is this going to end?"

"I don't know, but we better start looking."

This time, they traveled together. After two hours of searching, they caught of glimpse of her boarding the train back to Domino. Unfortunately, they had to wait for another train to arrive before they could go after her.

"Well," Yami said as they were riding the train, "at least we don't have to keep looking in Akihabara. I was getting real tired of all the otakus staring at my hair."

"Um…" Johann looked at his hair. "With hair like that, everyone's going to stare."

"It's one thing for people to stare, it's another when its otakus. Do you know what it's like having them stare at your hair like they want to shave it and wear it themselves? It's scary."

They had arrived at Domino. Knowing that Tea was a pretty weak duelist, they looked for dots with one star on their radars. Sure enough, they found her in the residential area.

"Tea!" Yami called out.

She stopped and turned around.

"_**I got her too, Pharaoh.**_" She said with a smile.

"Damn it!"

"Let her go!" Johann demanded.

"_**Duel me first, bocky-boy.**_"

"Hey, what about me?" Yami asked.

"_**I'll get to you in due time, Pharaoh.**_"

"Fine." Johann said as he activated his Duel Disk.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Friendship!

"_**Now, let's see what…what the frig? Why does she have friggin ponies in her deck?! And…is this a 'Mokey Mokey'?!**_"

_She never took it out?_ Yugi thought. _For once, I'm glad she didn't take my advice._

"Here's an easy win for me." Johann said.

* * *

-A few turns later-

As expected, Johann defeated the possessed Tea without any problems.

"_**This deck is ridiculous!**_" She said. "_**Here, take her back! I don't want a brony for my Steve army.**_"

She blinked and her eyes had returned to normal. She asked, "Uh, what am I doing here?"

"You were possessed by Marik again." Yami explained.

"Again? I thought we were through with that story arc."

"Apparently _Nightmare Troubadour_ can't come up with an original story."

"Yeah. I'm going to go home and write more fanfiction. Thanks for saving me, Johann. I'm _so_ going to start a fan club about you."

She waved and ran off.

"A…fan club?" Johann asked.

_This is only getting worse and worse_, Yami thought. _Johann has Kaiba's God Card and now we've lost Tea._

_Aside from us, Kaiba's the only sane one left_, Yugi thought back.

_Yes, but how long will _that_ last?_

* * *

-That night-

Johann stayed awake for fear that someone was going to break into his house again. In addition to locking all the doors and windows, he barricaded the front and back doors with chairs and tables. Starting tomorrow, he was going to get a security system installed.

Outside, he could hear people talking and laughing. He pulled back the curtain a little and peeked outside.

Standing in front of his house were a group of men. He saw Arkana, Steve the Martian, and Joey, but he did not recognize the rest of them. Two of them wore dark robes and wore masks that covered half of their faces while another was covered in face piercings. The rest of them wore black clothes and had no other defining characteristics.

"We know your secret, _Steve_ Johann Bocks!" Called out the man in the white mask.

"You're a Steve, man!" The man in the red mask said.

Johann opened his window and shouted, "I don't go by that name anymore!"

"You'll be one of us soon!" Arkana laughed.

There was a loud banging downstairs. Johann jumped when he heard the sound of wood breaking.

"We're going to get you, Johann."

"Yeah! We gonna get you!"

They started approaching the house, and they began to sing.

"_We're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep._"

There was banging on his room door. The singing grew closer.

"_We're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep._"

Cracks appeared on the door. Johann looked out his window. It looked like he had no choice but to jump if he wanted to escape. He started putting one leg out the window when the door was knocked down. Standing in the doorway was a bald man with half his face covered in tattoos. Behind him were the group of men, who had stopped singing.

"By the power of gummy bears," the man said, "I _am_ the master of unlocking."

Johann scrambled to get out of the window. The man grabbed him and pulled him back into the room. Johann screamed, struggled, and kicked, but he couldn't break free. From the group, a smaller figure in a black robe stepped forward. Johann recognized him as Malik, or rather, Marik. In his hand was a rod with a golden eye on it, much like the other Millennium Items he had seen.

"Hello, Steve." Marik grinned.

"I don't go by that name!"

"But it's still your legal name. You'll be useful in defeating the Pharaoh. Now," he pointed the rod at him, "obey my rod!"

"_One of us, one of us. Gooba-gobble, gooba-gobble. One of us, one of us. Gooba-gobble, gooba-gobble._"

The rod shined a brilliant golden light and Johann blacked out.

* * *

**Maybe I should go back to writing horror one shots.**

"'"_Ryou," Johann breathed, "you look so cute when you blush." "Really?" Ryou asked. "I…" He blinked and he suddenly asked, "What the hell are you doing on top of me?!" Johann stiffened—.'_"

Tea snorted, then went back to reading.

"'"_Evil spirit!?" He exclaimed. "Get out of here!" Bakura asked menacingly. "Were you fooling around with him? Without my permission?" "I—." He grinned and shoved Johann off of him. He pinned his arms to the bed and whispered huskily in his ear, "You've been a _bad_ boy, Johann. I think I should—"'_hominahominahominahomina!"

Tea grabbed two tissues, twisted them, and shoved them up her bleeding nostrils. She said to herself, "God _damn_, do I wish this was real! Oh, but I need a name for this pairing. I think I'll call it…Stalkershipping. Yeah, that'll work."


	20. Part 20: Ain't Nothin' but a Mind Slave

**Warning: obviously, Johann getting brainwashed is not part of the original game. Aside from Yami Bakura and the Rare Hunters breaking into his house, this is one of two moments that really deviate from the game (which means, yes, Mokuba and Kaiba both actually broke in uninvited in the original game). The other moment will happen later on.**

* * *

-Near the river-

Yugi was continuing his search for Joey. When he was looking near the river, he was surprised to see Kaiba sitting nearby. His head was lowered and it looked like he was staring at nothing. Seeing that this was very unlike him, Yugi approached him.

"Hey Kaiba." He said. "Super special awesome day, isn't it?"

"Yugi." He answered without looking at him.

"You're not your usual self."

"Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious. I…I'm questioning my role as a main character."

"You're questioning yourself? What happened to make you like this?"

"Johann happened. He beat me, Yugi. He beat me and now he has my God Card. Losing to you time after time is one thing, but losing to him? Nobody, not even myself, can take me seriously anymore. I…I have no choice but to admit that he's better than I am."

"Don't say that! Johann is a Gary Stu, but you, you're Seto freakin' Kaiba! No one can duel and screw the rules like you can! You—!"

"_**Oh Pharaoh~!**_" A voice sung cheerfully. "_**Look who I have~!**_"

Yugi turned his head and stared at who he saw. It was Johann, but he was possessed just like Joey and all the other Steves. The Puzzle flashed and Yami took over.

"Johann?! But he's not a Steve!"

"_**Guess again, Pharaoh.**_" Marik said. "_**He might have never told you, but his full name is Steve Johann Bocks.**_"

"But you can't possess him; he's a Stu!"

"_**A Stu?**_" He laughed. "_**Perfect! Then there's absolutely no way you can win! Your screen time and your leather shoes shall be mine!**_"

"But he probably has Stu cooties!"

"_**Stu cooties? What the frig is that? Is it contagious?! That's it: I'm getting every Steve vaccinated after I beat you!**_"

_Can we even beat him?_ Yugi thought.

_I put "Slifer" in my deck yesterday_, Yami thought back, _so we should at least be on equal ground._

"I don't care if you're possessing the Stu," Yami said, "there is no way in hell you're getting my screen time and leather shoes!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Motherflippin

"I start by placing three cards facedown," Yami said, "and I summon the 'Skilled Dark Magician'!"

[Skilled Dark Magician (1900/1700) appears on the field.]

_All I have to do is keep him from summoning his God Card._ Yami thought.

"_**Not bad, Yugi,**_" Marik said, "_**but you're still going down. I play the magic card 'Fissure', destroying your monster. Now I summon 'Newdoria' and attack your Life Points directly!**_"

[Newdoria (1200/800) appears and attacks Yami. His LP drops to 6800.]

_Come on, Heart of the Cards!_ Yugi prayed. _Don't let us lose to Marik and the Stu!_

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Marik has 2200 LP, one card facedown, two facedown monsters, and Gil Garth (1800/1200). Yami has 3700 LP, two cards facedown, one monster facedown, and Big Shield Gardna (100/2600).]

_He has three monsters on his side of the field_, Yami thought, _good time as any to do this._

"I flip summon 'Morphing Jar'." Yami announced. "Because of its effect, we have to discard our hands and draw five cards."

"_**No!**_" Marik exclaimed. "_**My 'Obelisk' was in that hand!**_"

"I sacrifice my facedown monster to summon 'Airknight Parshath' and attack your 'Gil Garth'!"

[Airknight Parshath (1900/1400) is summoned and moves in to attack.]

"_**I play 'Seto Kaiba' and destroy all cards on the field!**_"

[All cards are destroyed.]

Yami looked at Kaiba and asked, "Why the hell did you give that card to Johann, you idiot?!"

"I know," Kaiba muttered, "I'm an idiot. It should be called 'Johann Bocks' because he's—."

"Snap out of it—wait a minute, 'Seto Kaiba' is a banned card, and so are the God Cards, that means he's breaking the rules by having more than one banned card in his deck!"

"He can screw the rules since he's Johann Bocks."

"Oh gods, I can't believe what I'm hearing…"

_Um, Pharaoh,_ Yugi thought,_ I think we have more pressing matters on our hands, like us losing this game._

"I…I place a card facedown and end my turn."

Marik laughed. "_**It's all over, Yugi! I play 'Premature Burial' to bring back 'Obelisk the Tormentor'!**_"

[Obelisk (4000/4000) rises out of the ground.]

"_**Prepare to surrender everything! I attack you directly!**_"

[Obelisk moves to attack.]

"Activate trap card 'Magic Cylinder'! It's over for you, Marik!"

[The attack is redirected at Marik, dropping his LP to 0.]

"_**What the actual frig?! How did you—?!**_"

Marik suddenly screamed and clutched onto his head. His eyes temporarily went normal again as Johann shouted, "Get out of my head! Get out of my head! _**What?! How is he breaking my control?!**_"

"His Stuper powers are acting up!" Yami exclaimed.

"_**Stop resisting, mind slave!**_ No! Get the **** **out of my mind!**"

Johann screamed again and the golden eye on his forehead vanished. Still gripping his head, he said, "He's gone…he's actually gone. Yugi…thank—."

"I'm not accepting your thanks." Yami said. He pointed at Kaiba and said, "Look what you've done to Kaiba! Thanks to you, he's become a more depressed version of himself!"

"No, it's okay, Yugi," Kaiba said as he stood up, "I've come to accept that Johann's a better duelist than I am."

"Kaiba!"

"Me? A better duelist?" Johann asked. "No way. You two are still much better than I am."

"And there's that false Gary Stu humbleness."

"Yugi, even after saving me, you act like—."

"There he is." A voice said.

"Over there, dawg!" Another voice joined in.

Everyone turned their heads and saw the two Steves in masks.

"Our master has told us that the newest Steve had broken free," the one in the white mask said, "so we have come to collect him."

"Return to sender!" Said the one in the red mask.

"No way in hell!" Johann backed away.

"It seems that there is only one way to solve this issue, and that is to duel."

"Come at us, bro!"

"Johann," Kaiba said, "allow me to duel alongside you."

"You can't be serious." Yami said.

Johann nodded at Kaiba and said, "I appreciate it."

The four duelists got into position and activated their Duel Disks.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage and Screw the Rules vs. Moon Rules and Moon Rocks

"I am Steve Lumis," said the Steve in the white mask, "and this is Steve Umbra. We are both Mooninites, and we will show you how we duel on the Moon."

"Are all you Steves crazy?" Johann asked.

"Hello pot, we're kettles."

"We sayin' you black!"

"That's right, Steve."

"I'm not crazy like you guys! **I'm not…**"

"Enough with the chatter," Kaiba said, "I'll start by placing a card and a monster facedown. Johann, you're next."

"Okay, I'll place two cards and a monster facedown. I end my turn."

"Then I will take the next turn," Lumis said, "and I will play 'Utsugi'."

[Utsugi (1600/1500) comes into play.]

"Oh look," Yami said, "an original character from a video game based on a popular anime that's basically bad fanfiction, much like this game."

"Me next! Me next!" Umbra said.

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Umbra is out. Lumis has 1800 LP, no cards facedown, and the monster George Maxwell (2200/1900) wearing a Hanya Mask (+500 ATK). Johann has 6700 LP, one card facedown, and no monsters. Kaiba has 4800 LP, two cards facedown, and the monster Blue-Eyes White Dragon (3000/2500).]

"You're going down, freak!" Kaiba said. "I attack your monster with my 'Blue-Eyes'!"

[Blue-Eyes destroys Maxwell and Lumis loses 300 LP.]

"Finish him, Johann!"

"Got it!" Johann nodded. "I summon 'Maha Vailo" and attack directly!"

[Maha Vailo (1550/1400) is summoned and attacks Lumis, bringing his LP to 0.]

"We did it," Kaiba smirked [+1 dead puppy], "though I was disappointed you didn't summon your God Card, Johann."

"That's _your_ God Card, Kaiba!" Yami shouted.

"We will be back, Steve." Lumis warned. "Mark our words."

"See ya, losers!" Umbra said.

They both ran off. Johann sighed and said, "That's it, I'm getting my name changed."

"Johann," Yami said, "why didn't you tell us your real name was Steve?"

Johann lowered his head. "A lot of kids picked on me at school because of my name. They all thought I was named after that guy from _Blues Clues_. 'Hey, Steve! Can you find a Clue?' 'Of course he can't, Steve's Clueless!' 'Clueless Steve! Clueless Steve!' You can see why I prefer to be called by my middle name."

"'Clueless Steve'? I think I'll call you that from now on."

"Don't you dare! Anyways, I'm going to legally change my name so this doesn't happen again, then I'm getting someone to install new doors and a security system in my house."

Johann grumpily walked away.

"Well, it looks like he's going to be out of the picture for some time." Yami said. "We still need to look for Joey and Marik. Are you going to help, Kaiba?"

"No," he said, "I'm going to back to my company for my daily swim."

"You have a swimming pool?"

"Yeah, I have a swimming pool…full of money."

Kaiba left.

_Well, at least Johann hasn't _completely_ destroyed his character_, Yugi thought.

_Come on, _Yami thought, _if we're lucky, we can find Joey and Marik before Johann does._

* * *

**I'm thinking about writing Abridged fanfictions for other "Yu-Gi-Oh!" video games. What do you guys think?**

**I also wish the following extra segment actually happened.**

Marik sat on a park bench with a latte in his hand. He had tried multiple times to bring Steve Bocks under his control, but to no avail. He figured he had changed his name. If so, then that was one more Steve he lost.

"Marik." A familiar voice said.

He lifted his head up and his eyes lit up when he saw who it was. However, he remembered what had happened long ago and he turned his head away.

"Bakura." He said indifferently.

Bakura sat next to him.

"I was not missing you!" Marik blurted out.

Bakura said nothing in response. They sat in an awkward silence for a minute.

"So," Marik said again, "I bet Dartz's Council is pretty crappy."

"You have no idea." Bakura sighed. "Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Marik. Things aren't working out at that council and…"

Marik glomped Bakura and said, "I missed you too, Bakuraaaaaa! Things at the Evil Council of Doom aren't the same without you! Playing video games and making silly commentaries isn't the same without you! Bakura, please don't leave me again!"

Bakura slowly wrapped his arms around Marik. A crowd of fangirls suddenly began to gather. They started squealing with joy and taking pictures.

"OMG! Thiefshipping is back!"

"I'm sending this photo to Tumblr!"

"They're_ so_ cute together!"

"Oh frig!" Marik pulled away. "It's the fangirls! Run for your life, Fluf—ah!"

Bakura had grabbed Marik's hand and was pulling him away from the crowd.

"_Way_ ahead of you, Marik."


	21. Part 21: The Return of Melvin

**Warning: there will be four chapters left to go until this fic is finished, including this chapter.**

* * *

-Residential neighborhood-

A whole day had passed since Johann was possessed by Marik. As promised, he got his name changed from "Steve Johann Bocks" to just "Johann Bocks". He also got his doors replaced and a security system installed.

He was on his way back home when he saw someone standing in front of his house. He recognized him as the Steve with way too many face piercings. He turned around and stared at Johann with a dead look in his eyes.

"Not another Steve." Johann groaned.

"…Steve…Mime…" The Steve mumbled. A golden eye appeared on his forehead and he spoke again, "_**You've been a bad Steve, Steve. I will give you one last chance to come back to the Steve side.**_"

"And be your puppet again, Marik? Hell no!"

"_**If you will not obey, then I will destroy you!**_"

He activated his Duel Disk. Johann groaned again and activated his Duel Disk.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Master of Puppets

The streetlights dimmed and the dark fog came rolling in again.

"_**Fear me and my evil puppet themed cards!**_" Marik laughed. "_**I summon 'The Puppet' in attack mode!**_"

[The Puppet (1000/500) from "Five Nights at Freddy's" is summoned.]

"_**The good thing about this monster is that it destroys any monster that attacks it. Go ahead, Steve, I dare you to attack it. No, I triple-dog dare you to attack it!**_"

"Or I could just play 'Fissure'." Johann said.

[The monster is destroyed.]

"I summon 'Dunames Dark Witch' and…"

* * *

-Several turns later-

"…Steve, Marik, whoever I'm supposed to call you, consider yourself _pwned_!"

"_**Curse you, Steve!**_" Marik shouted.

"My name is Johann, get it right!"

The golden eye disappeared and Steve ran off.

"Hey!" Johann shouted. "Tell me where you're hiding, you coward!"

He ran after him. Unfortunately, Steve was the faster runner and he managed to get away. Johann stopped to catch his breath.

"Johann!" A familiar voice called out to him.

He turned his head and saw Tea. He asked, "What is it?"

"I just saw one of those Rare Hunter freaks!" She said.

"Where?"

"This way!"

Johann followed Tea down a street. Standing in the distance was the bald man with tattoos. He stared at Johann, but he made no attempt to flee. Johann ran up to him and demanded, "Alright, where's your boss?"

"Master Marik doesn't want me to tell you." He said.

"You tell me where he is right now or I'll…!"

"You'll what? Give me gummy bears?"

Johann blinked. "Why would I give you gummy bears?"

"Because I like them? Don't you like gummy bears?"

"I don't like gummies of any kind."

The man's expression suddenly turned fierce. "How dare you not like gummy bears?! Just for that, I will beat you in a Shadow Game!"

"Oh you've got to be kidding me!"

"Duel me, you gummy bear hater!"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Gummy Bears!

"I summon 'Gummy Bear King' in attack mode! While this is out, any other gummies on the field get a boost to their ATK and DEF."

[Gummy Bear King (1800/1200) is summoned.]

"Wait, 'other gummies'?" Johann asked. "Do you have nothing but gummies in your deck?"

"No!" The man said defensively. "I also have 'Easter Bunny', 'Santa Claus', and 'Sweet Tooth'."

_God, they're worse than Pegasus's Toon cards!_

"You know I can't take you seriously after you just told me all that, right?"

"You _will_ take gummy bears seriously once I beat you!"

* * *

-Several turns later-

[Johann has 5800 LP, two cards facedown, and Obelisk the Tormentor (4000/4000). The bald Rare Hunter has 3100 LP, three cards facedown, the magic card Ground Collapse active, and the monster Easter Bunny (500/2000).

"I play 'Fissure' to get rid of your bunny," Johann said, "and then I attack directly with 'Obelisk'!"

[Obelisk attacks. The two voices say "Toooooorrrmeeeeent" again as the man's LP drops to 0.]

"I…not again…" Without any real warning, he collapsed.

"Odion!" A familiar voice cried out.

The voice belonged to Ishizu, who ran to the side of the fallen man.

"Wow," Tea said, "you really kicked his ass, Johann."

"How are these monsters doing actual damage?!" Johann asked.

Out of nowhere, Mokuba appeared. He asked, "Hey, can I do anything important to make my character useful?"

"Shut up and take him to the hospital." Ishizu told him.

"But I don't think I can carry him all the way there…"

"Odion?" Another voice asked.

Marik stepped out of the shadows. He clenched his fists and yelled at Johann, "How could you do this to him?!"

"I didn't mean to knock him out!" Johann said.

"You didn't mean to?! That's a load of—aaaaaaahhhhhhh! **Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!**"

He clutched onto his head and screamed heavenward. A golden eye and bulging veins appeared on his forehead, his eyes became narrower, and his hair grew longer and wilder. A black cape appeared on him out of nowhere.

"Not again…" Ishizu said softly.

"Screw being useful, I'm outta here!" Mokuba said as he ran off.

"Me too!" Tea joined him.

"What the **** is happening?" Johann asked Ishizu.

Marik's screams turned into maniacal laughter. The sky and everything in the environment started to glow many colors. He lowered his head and said, "**Guess who's back in black?**"

"This multicolor nightmare is new, Melvin." Ishizu said.

"**Yes, isn't it great?! My mere presence makes everything look like Willy Wonka's Tunnel of Hell!**" He laughed.

"Melvin?" Johann asked. "I thought he was Marik?"

"**Ah, yes, you.**" Melvin smirked. "**Thank you **_**so**_** much for freeing the real me, Gary. Now,**" he extended his arms, "**how about a hug?**"

"Oh hell, are you another evil spirit that originated from a Millennium Item?"

"**Wrong. I'm Marik's real self, the one that wants to destroy everything!**"

Just then, Yami appeared. "Ishizu, what the hell is wrong with the—oh gods, Melvin's back."

"**Hello again, Nancy! I've missed you so much! How about a hug?**"

Yami looked at the unconscious Odion, then at Johann, and said to him, "You knocked Odion out and released the omnicidal psychopath that is Melvin? _Nice_ job breaking it, hero."

"How the **** was I supposed to know_ that_ was going to happen?!" Johann shouted as he pointed at Melvin.

Melvin folded his arms. "**I see you guys don't want hugs. I'm off to find people who actually want them.**"

He turned around and walked away. Once he was out of sight, everything returned to normal. Ishizu sighed and said, "I think I owe you an explanation, Johann."

"The hell you do!"

"You see, Marik is my brother, and Odion serves the Ishtar family. Our duty was—."

"Just give him the short version, Ishizu." Yami interrupted.

"Fine. Marik lived his life underground, never seeing the outside world. I took him up one day, father punished Odion for it, and Marik's evil side came out as a result. Johann, only you can stop Melvin and save Marik."

"Me?" Johann asked.

"But stopping Melvin is _my_ job!" Yami said.

"Not this time." Ishizu said. "Johann has replaced you as the main character, Pharaoh."

"No he hasn't!"

"Johann, will you stop Melvin?"

"Stop him? But he scarier than that other Bakura!"

"I know, but isn't true courage about facing the things you fear?"

"I…I'll try."

"Sure, go ahead and try to beat Melvin," Yami said, "it's not like he'll send you to the Shadow Realm or do worse things to you—actually, go ahead and face him, Johann. I'm _sure_ you can do it."

"Pay attention to this next part, Johann," Ishizu said, "you have to finish him off with your God Card while you're in a Shadow Game. According to the plot, nothing else will work."

"The original _Nightmare Troubadour_ was trying to make this as frustrating as possible for the players, wasn't it?"

"Yes, and speaking of frustrating, you still have to save Joey first."

"Oh yeah! Joey!" Johann said.

"You know what you must do, Johann?"

"Yeah, I do. Starting tomorrow, I'll save Joey and stop Melvin."

With renewed confidence, Johann started to make his way home.

_I'll save Joey and stop Melvin…I'll be a hero…and…_

…_**and everyone will love me.**_

* * *

**So, yeah, the sky and buildings turn different colors when Yami Marik shows up in the game. He's that evil.**

Melvin sat in front of Marik's computer and watched videos. Once in a while, he would burst into laughter. Eventually, there was a knock on the door.

"Marik," Bakura said as he opened the door, "what the bloody hell is so…" His voice trailed off when he saw Melvin.

"**Hello, Florence.**" Melvin grinned. "**I was just watching **_**Happy Tree Friends**_**. Care to watch it with me?**"

"I…uh…I have urgent British things to do…right now!"

Bakura slammed the door shut.

"**Your loss.**" Melvin went back to watching videos. He laughed again, "**Another hilarious death for Toothy! I **_**love**_** a good Eye Scream!**"


	22. Part 22: Saving Joey Wheeler

**Warning: I'm starting to run out of warnings.**

* * *

-Akihabara-

Knowing that he had found Joey in Akihabara last time, Johann decided to look there again. He once again followed the dots on his radar with four stars. What worried him was how he was going to act with Melvin possessing him instead of Marik.

He didn't look very far when he heard someone call out, "_**Hello, Gary.**_"

He turned around and saw Joey, still possessed and with a scary grin on his face this time. Trying to be brave, he said, "My name's Johann."

"_**Sure it is, Gary.**_" Melvin said. "_**So, you really think you can free Susan from my control?**_"

"His name is Joey."

"_**Sure it is, Gary. Thing is, my weaker half has been too easy on his Shadow Games, so I was thinking of raising the stakes.**_"

"Raising the stakes…how?"

"_**By putting Susan's soul on the line when we duel. If you beat him in a duel, his soul will be sent to the Shadow Realm. If I win, it's you that will be taking a permanent vacation there.**_"

Johann's eyes widened. "You wouldn't dare."

"_**Oh I would, Gary.**_" Melvin flicked his tongue out. "_**Want to duel me and see?**_"

He clenched his fists. He could neither win nor lose a duel against him. He could literally do nothing.

"Damn you, Melvin!"

Melvin laughed. "_**I'll give you time to think about it. I'll be back in Domino giving free hugs if you want to duel me.**_"

He turned around and left. Johann lowered his head. He had no idea what to do.

"Johann," a voice said, "did you just let him go? What were you thinking?!"

Johann turned around and saw Yami. He said, "He said he'll send Joey's soul to the Shadow Realm if I beat him in a duel. You think we should start looking for an exorcist?"

"An exorcist? Duels are just as good as any exorcism. Use your head, dummy. If you can't win or lose, then you have to tie against him."

"Tie? How?"

"By bringing both your Life Points down to 0 at the same time. I normally wouldn't help a Stu like you, but Joey's soul is at stake. Take these cards."

Yami handed Johann two cards: "Ring of Destruction" and "Self-destruct Button". Johann looked them over and said, "These could work, but I have to use them at the right moment."

"I'm sure you can do it," Yami said, "after all, you already stole the Heart of the Cards away from me and Yugi."

"The what?"

"Something you wouldn't understand. I have my own copies of those cards, so I'll be covered if I find Joey before you do. Oh, and Johann, if you should find Melvin, go ahead and duel him. I'm sure you can beat him."

With that said, he left.

Johann boarded the train back to Domino. During the ride, he modified his deck to accompany the cards he had just obtained. Once it had arrived in Domino, he got out and began searching for Joey once again.

It did not take too long for him to find him. He was all alone in a park, fruitlessly calling out for free hugs. Johann approached him and asked, "What's your obsession with hugs, anyways?"

"_**Oh, Gary!**_" Melvin said. "_**I didn't expect to see you again so soon. I just happen to like hugs. Is there anything wrong with that?**_"

"With the way you're phrasing 'hugs', yes. Anyways, I'm here to duel you."

"_**Really? You know what will happen if you win or lose, right?**_"

"…I know, but I have to save Joey."

"_**I'd like to see you try, Gary.**_"

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. Brooklyn Rage!

_I only have one shot at this. One mistake and it's over for one of us._

"_**You go first, Gary.**_" Melvin said.

"Damn it, stop calling me Gary! I place a monster facedown and end my turn."

"_**You're going to lose if you keep playing like that. I place two cards facedown and…**_"

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Johann has 2100 LP, one card facedown, and the monster Maha Vailo equipped with Malevolent Nuzzler (1550+700+500/1400). Melvin has 2600 LP, one card facedown, one monster facedown, and the monster Panther Warrior (2000/1600).]

"I place a card facedown and end my turn." Johann said.

"_**Either you're a really bad duelist,**_" Melvin said, "_**or you're up to something. I mean, why didn't you attack my monster? You obviously have the advantage.**_"

"I'm just trying not to condemn Joey to the Shadow Realm. Is that so hard to believe?"

"_**If you didn't want to condemn Susan, then you wouldn't have dueled me in the first place. What are you up to, Gary?**_"

"I don't know." Johann put on his best poker face. "I'm still trying to figure out how to save Joey."

"_**Well, you won't!**_" Melvin laughed. "_**I place another monster facedown and end my turn.**_"

"Activate trap card: 'Ring of Destruction'! I choose to destroy 'Maha Vailo' so that we both lose Life Points equal to its ATK!"

[Maha Vailo is destroyed and both players lose 2750 LP, bringing them both down to 0.]

"_**A draw?! That was your plan all along?! What were you hoping to—?!**_"

Joey groaned and clutched onto his head. The golden eye on his forehead vanished and his eyes had life to them again. He said, "Sheesh, what a headache. What was I doing this whole time?"

"You were possessed by Melvin," Johann explained, "and I saved you by drawing in a Shadow Game."

"A draw? How did that—wait, did you say Melvin? Don't you mean Marik?"

"Unfortunately not."

Yami appeared and walked up to them. "Johann let Melvin out, and now he has to stop him."

"Well, if Johann was able to save me by drawing, then I'm sure he can beat—."

"**How the frig did you break my mind control by drawing?!**"

The sky and buildings started turning different colors at Melvin's approach. Johann looked at Yami and asked, "Yeah, how _did_ you know that I had to draw?"

"Honestly, I don't know." Yami said. "The plot can be weird at times."

"**Alright, that's it!**" Melvin pointed at Johann. "**I'm sending someone to the Shadow Realm if it's the last thing I do before I destroy everything!**"

"Fine," Johann said as he shuffled his deck, "let's end this."

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. ****ing Insane!

"Oh boy, this is it," Joey said, "the final battle of _Nightmare Troubadour_."

"I doubt it." Yami said. "Didn't you read the warning from the last chapter? We still have two more chapters after this one. I'm just hoping those chapters are dedicated to Johann losing and me saving the day."

"You're not helping any!" Johann shouted.

"Really? What gave you that idea, Johann?"

"**Oh gods,**" Melvin groaned, "**will you guys shut up?! We have a children's card game with souls on the line to play!**"

"Oh yeah, that." Yami said. "Word of advice, Johann: you know how you win almost every duel? Do the opposite of that."

"Not listening." Johann said. "I play 'Pot of Greed', allowing me to draw two more cards. I then place a monster facedown. I end my turn."

"**I'm up to all your tricks now, Gary. I place a card and a monster facedown and end my turn.**"

"I summon 'Muka Muka' to attack your monster!"

[Muka Muka (600/300) is summoned. Johann has six cards, so it becomes (2400/2100). It moves in to attack.]

"**Activate trap card: 'Spanish Donkey'! This card restricts your monster and deals 500 points of damage to you on each of your turns!**"

[A Spanish Donkey rises beneath Muka Muka. Weights appear on the monster and they start pulling it down on the wedge.]

"That's not right." Johann said.

"**But it's **_**so**_** much fun. Look at your monster; it's having a grand time on the 'Spanish Donkey'. Don't you want to ride on the 'Spanish Donkey', Gary?**"

"No I don't want to ride on the 'Spanish Donkey', you ****ing psycho!"

Melvin laughed. "**By the time I'm finished with you, you **_**wish **_**you were riding the 'Spanish Donkey'!**"

* * *

-Many turns later-

[Johann has 4500 LP, two cards facedown, and one facedown monster. Melvin has 4000 LP, three monsters facedown, and two Spirit Reapers (300/200).]

"**Prepare to suffer in the shadows for all eternity!**" Melvin said. "**I sacrifice three of my monsters to summon 'The Winged Dragon of Ra'!**"

[The three facedown monsters are sacrificed. The Winged Dragon of Ra (?/?) descends from the sky.]

"**I pay 1000 LP to activate its special ability and destroy your monster!**"

[Johann's facedown monster is destroyed.]

"**And now I activate its other ability and sacrifice all but 100 of my Life Points to strengthen it! I attack with all my monsters directly!**"

[Winged Dragon (2900/2900) and both Spirit Reapers attack. Johann loses 3500 LP.]

"**And of course, since my 'Spirit Reapers' have done direct damage to you, you have to discard two cards at random—oh wait, you **_**only**_** have two cards in your hand!**" Melvin laughed. "**It's over for you, Gary!**"

_****! Am I actually going to lose to this guy?! No! I can't! __**I can't lose!**_

"Oh no!" Joey said. "Johann's going to lose!"

Yami could barely contain his excitement. "Just a little longer, Joey, and the world will have one less Stu in it."

Johann drew a card and placed it facedown. He gritted his teeth and shook his head.

Melvin laughed again. "**Too easy! I attack directly and finish you off!**"

"No way!" Johann shouted. "Activate trap card: 'Ceasefire'! This does 500 points of damage to you for each effect monster on the field!"

[Melvin loses 1500 LP, leaving him with 0 LP.]

"I did it! **Suck on that!** Melvin, consider yourself _**pwned**_**!**"

"**No! This isn't possible!**"

"It just happened, Melvin. **I win!**"

"**No!**"

"Yes!"

"**NO!**"

"**YES!**"

"…**No.**"

"Uh…yes?"

Melvin laughed again. "**You may have won this round, but according to this game's plot, I can only be defeated by an Egyptian God Card. Better luck next time, Gary.**"

He casually walked away and everything returned to normal. Everyone gaped at what had transpired.

"Are you ****ing kidding me?!" Johann asked. "I almost lost that game, and now I have to duel him _again_?!"

"Well, Ishizu _did_ tell you that you had to beat him with 'Obelisk'." Yami said. "Looks like you'll have to try again tomorrow."

"I…I…!"

Johann screamed in frustration.

* * *

**Even though I've dueled Yami Marik in-game, I have yet to see 'The Winged Dragon of Ra', so I doubt I got the order of its abilities correct.**

Yugi looked through his entire card collection that night. He had a feeling things were going to go to hell if Johann should beat Melvin properly. If that were to happen, then he had to load his deck with the best cards in existence.

_Okay_, he thought_, we already got 'Slifer the Sky Dragon', but what can we add to that?_

_I really wish we had a copy of that 'Seto Kaiba' card_, Yami thought.

_I know. It's not right that Kaiba gave that card to the Stu. We'll need something to counter that, and…hello, what's this?_

He pulled out a card.

_By the gods, this is perfect!_ Yami thought. _It didn't have much use in the beginning, but now…this is just the card we need!_

_Yeah, if we get through this, we should thank the author of this fanfiction for this deus ex machina card._


	23. Part 23: Also Sprach Gary Stu

**Warning: the ending for this fanfiction will greatly differ from the original ending in **_**Nightmare Troubadour**_**…obviously. This is also the part where I think: "What the **** am I writing?"**

**Also, if you're wondering what Johann sounds like when he speaks in bold, just imagine he has a Voice of the Legion like Melvin.**

* * *

-Johann's Room-

Johann tossed and turned in his sleep that night.

_Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan._

"No. No!" He sleep talked. "Alright, you win! You win! I give. I'll say it. I'll say it, I'll say it! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! **DESTINY!** **DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!** LALALALALA! **LALALALALA!**"

He woke up screaming. He shivered and realized that he was covered in sweat.

"What the ****?" He said breathlessly. "What the **** was that all about?"

_Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan._

He jumped when he heard the voice. He had only heard it in his dreams before, but…

"I'm still asleep, right?" He asked himself.

_It's almost time, Johann._

He turned on the light and realized that the voice was coming from his deck. He took it out and looked through his cards. All the images were moving before his eyes, and they were muttering incomprehensible things. He finally found the card where the voice originated from: 'Obelisk the Tormentor'.

_Are you ready?_

_My deck is alive…and Obelisk is talking to me. I _have_ to be—._

The security system's alarm went off.

"**Oh frig!**" He could hear Melvin say. "**What's the code to turn this thing off? 1-1-1-1, no, 1-1-1-2, no, 1-1—oh the hell with this!**"

The power went out, along with the alarm. Johann's heart started racing.

_What the hell is Melvin doing here?! How did he knock the power out?!_

"**Ahahahahahahahahaha Gaaaaaaaaaaary~!**" Melvin called out. "**Where are you~? I've come to give you a goodnight hu—ow! Why the frig are there mousetraps on the floor?!**"

Johann grabbed his Duel Disk and his wallet. As he climbed out the window, he thought about how fortunate he was to have the foresight to booby-trap the house. He let himself dangle from the window sill before letting go and landing on his feet. He stumbled and fell backwards on his rear. His ankles hurt from the landing, but he forced himself to get up and run.

_Okay, I'm not dreaming, that means I'm going crazy, but I'm not! I can't go crazy! Don't go crazy don't go crazy don't go crazy don't go—._

He tripped and landed on his face. He heard a familiar laugh behind him.

"**Where do you think you're going, Gary?**"

Johann got to his feet and faced Melvin. He demanded, "Why the **** did you break into my house?!"

"**To kill you, of course.**" Melvin said casually. "**Really, all it takes is a stake through the heart to properly kill a Stu before he becomes dangerous.**"

"Kill me?!"

"**Of course, Gary.**" He lowered his voice. "**I've seen the darkness in your soul, and you're more of a monster than I am. You, Gary, are a Stu.**"

"I am not!"

"**Oh, you're not? Then who or what are you?**"

"I'm Johann Bocks, and I'm a normal boy that likes dueling!"

Melvin laughed. "**You honestly think that, Gary? It's so hilarious it's tragic! No normal boy could beat the Pharaoh in a duel, no normal boy could make everyone like him without trying. Tell me, Gary, do you even have a past?**"

"Of course I do!"

"**Really? Then what's your mother's name?**"

"I…"

"**Can you remember the faces of your friends from school? Where were you born?**"

"I…I…"

Johann's eyes widened. He couldn't remember anything. No, it wasn't like he had forgotten anything, it was more like…

"**You don't know. Want to know why you don't know? It's because you're an original character that was created without any background. Your only purpose is to replace the Pharaoh as the main character. However, you have become more than just the new main character: you've turned into a Gary Stu, and your mere existence is a poison to everything.**"

"Shut up!" Johann screamed. "Shut up shut up **shut up!**"

"Okay," a familiar voice said, "what's all the shouting about?"

Yami entered the scene in his pajamas and asked, "What the hell are you two doing here? It's two in the morning, _way _too early for the final confrontation."

"**I'm just here to put Gary out of his misery.**" Melvin said.

"I…I'll finish you off!" Johann shouted. "I'll defeat you and…and…**I'll be a hero! Everyone will love me! **_**Everyone!**_"

"He's gone completely bonkers." Yami said.

"**And I thought **_**I**_** was the crazy one.**" Melvin said.

"Duel!"

Absolute Pwnage vs. ****ing Insane!

"I'll beat you." Johann said. "**I'll beat you!**"

"**I'll beat you first! I place two cards facedown and summon 'Granadora'!**"

[Granadora (1900/700) is summoned.]

"**Because I've summoned it successfully, I gain 1000 Life Points. Your move, Gary.**"

"I place a card and a monster facedown and end my turn. Attack **if you dare, Melvin.**"

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Yami said, "but kick his ass, Melvin!"

"So it's finally happening." A nearby voice said.

Yami turned his head and saw Ishizu standing next to him. He asked, "When did you get here, and what do you mean 'it's finally happening'?"

"Johann is suffering from Shadow Madness."

"Shadow Madness? Is that something the author made up?"

"Yes. Before and during your years as the Pharaoh, many people played Shadow Games. Many people were sent to the Shadow Realm, of course, but those that have won many Shadow Games suffered from Shadow Madness. You see, when playing a Shadow Game, you summon a bit of the Shadow Realm itself. Too much exposure to the Realm induces Shadow Madness."

"And what does Shadow Madness do?"

"In a nutshell, it makes you bats*** crazy. You had a minor case of Shadow Madness yourself when you were Pharaoh."

"Ishizu, I would know if I was crazy back then."

"Does the word 'Slavemas' ring any bells? Honestly, according to the ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, you made Caligula look sane in comparison. Johann has Shadow Madness, and with that combined with his Gary Stu status, it could mean the end of the universe."

"The end of the universe?! You mean there won't be any more episodes of 'Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series'?! No more spinoffs?! Tell me that's not what's going to happen!"

"My Millennium Necklace has shown me nothing but darkness for the future. However, I can see that this was what the gods of trading cards wanted all along."

"They wanted the universe to end?"

"They wanted to make Johann a villain, since the original show had run out of those, but it worked too well. Now Johann is going to turn into a literal Black Hole Stu."

"This is it, Melvin!" Johann shouted. "I sacrifice my three monsters to summon 'Obelisk the Tormentor'!"

[Monsters are sacrificed to make way for Obelisk (4000/4000).]

"I now attack you directly!"

[Obelisk directly attacks Melvin. The two voices that usually say 'Tooooooooormeeeeeeeent' are absent. Melvin's LP drops to 0.]

"**No! Noooooooooooooooo!**" Melvin screamed.

He clutched onto his head and continued to scream. The golden eye on his forehead vanished, his hair became shorter, and the black cape disappeared. He blinked and his eyes no longer had that crazed look to them.

"Johann…" Marik said weakly. "You saved me…thank you…"

Out of nowhere, a crowd started approaching Johann. In it were all of the major and minor characters.

"Master Marik!" Odion cried out. "You're okay!"

"You did it, Johann!" Joey shouted.

"You're the best, Johann!" Tea said.

"I couldn't be more proud of you." Grandpa said warmly.

"No one is a better duelist than you, Johann." Kaiba said.

Yami stared in shock at what he was witnessing.

"I…I did it." Johann said. He grinned. "I really did it! Everyone loves me! **Ahhh…I am loved…ha ha ha…**"

He started laughing maniacally. His hair became spikier and his eyes turned purple. The fog that normally would have vanished by now became thicker and spread out further.

"Oh my many gods," Yami said, "I have never seen such high levels of Stu-pidity before."

"He is now Gary Stu," Ishizu said, "and we all love him."

She walked away from Yami and joined the crowd.

"I see it all so clearly now." Johann said. "This world, the universe beyond it, **the fans, the Watchers…lalalalala. Lalalalala!**"

"This is beyond ridiculous, Johann!" Yami shouted.

Johann stared at Yami. "**Johann? I am Gary Stu, the center of everything, the Alpha and the Omega, and beloved by all.** Don't you love me, Yugi?"

"Of course not, you loony!"

"**So you hate me?** Why? Why,** when everyone else loves me?**"

"Because look what you're doing to the universe! If you keep this up, then everything will cease to exist!"

"**The universe? I **_**am**_** the ****ing universe!**" Gary Stu laughed. "**However, I am a nice Gary Stu, so I will give you one chance to stop me. Find me and defeat me in a duel.** If against all odds you win, I'll return everything to its sad, pathetic state. But **if you lose, you must love me like everyone else.**"

"I accept your challenge, Gary Stu."

"**Good. I'm off to find a suitable place for our final battle. Come, everyone!**"

The crowd cheered and hoisted Gary Stu up. They carried him away as they said a myriad of praises to him.

_Ishizu said that she only saw darkness in the future._ Yugi thought. _Can we really beat destiny?_

_Yugi_, Yami thought, _we're going to screw destiny so hard it'll make Kaiba screwing the rules look like child's play._

_Yes, we have to do this, not only for our friends, but for the whole 'Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged' universe, too!_

_Let's go, Yugi. The final chapter awaits._

* * *

**The end is coming.**

After days of running, Duke finally managed to shake everyone but Tristan off of him. He stopped in Domino to rest.

["Sexyback" playing.] "Finally! I never thought I would shake those fangirls off."

Tristan grabbed Duke by the shoulder and said, "I've finally caught you, you witch!"

["Sexyback" playing.] "I told you I—huh? Tristan? What's with all this fog?"

They noticed that the whole city was covered in purple fog.

"Isn't this part of your witchcraft, Duke?" Tristan asked.

["Sexyback" playing.] "I don't know what's going on, but I have a bad feeling about all this."


	24. Part 24: Yugi Muto vs the World

**Warning: this is the last chapter of the story. I recommend listening to some epic final boss music for the first half, doesn't matter which one as long as it's epic.**

* * *

-Amphitheater-

Yami found Gary Stu twirling and dancing in the middle of an old amphitheater. The crowd had taken their seats and were staring at him. The King of Games took a deep breath, then stepped up onto the amphitheater.

"I've come to play card games and kick ass," Yami announced, "and I'm all out of ass."

"**Yugi,**" Gary Stu said as he continued to twirl and dance, "you came after all. **Lalalalala. Are you ready to lose?**"

"You know we can't duel if you continue to dance like a gay clown."

"**Ha ha ha...**" He stopped dancing and got into his dueling stance. "**Soon, you will come to love me,** and then we will all dance and sing **to the** **end of everything!**"

"Over my dead, sexy body!"

"Duel!"

Motherflippin vs. Stu Apocalypse

"Like my deck name?" Gary Stu asked. "**I've changed it to fit the occasion.**"

"You really want the universe to end?" Yami asked. "Don't you know that if the universe ends, you'll go out with it?"

"**It doesn't matter if it ends, and I don't care if I go out, just as long as everything is about me. I start by placing two cards and a monster facedown.** Your move, Yugi."

"I play 'Dark Magic Curtain'! I pay half my Life Points to special summon 'Dark Magician'!"

[A curtain appears and opens up, revealing the Dark Magician (2500/2100).]

"I attack your facedown monster!"

[Monster is revealed to be Night Assailant (200/500). Both monsters take each other out.]

"**Bad move, Yugi.**" Gary Stu taunted. "**You just lost one of your more powerful monsters and you're already down to 4000 Life Points.**"

"…I place two cards facedown and end my turn."

"**I summon 'Gil Garth' and attack you directly!"**

[Gil Garth (1800/1200) is summoned and moves in to attack.]

"I activate 'Magic Cylinder', redirecting the attack right back at you!"

[Gary Stu loses 1800 LP.]

Gary Stu laughed and clapped his hands, "**Just what I expect from someone like you, Yugi, but how long can you keep this up?**"

"Just you wait, Gary Stu, I'll show you what the Motherflippin King of Games is truly capable of!"

* * *

-Many unseen, epic turns later-

[Yami has 1900 LP, one card facedown, and the monsters Skilled Dark Magician (1900/1700), Marshmallon (300/500), and Big Shield Gardna (100/2600). Gary Stu has 6500 LP, the trap card Solemn Wishes, and the monsters Maha Vailo with Dark Pendant (1550+500+500/1400) and Dunames Dark Witch (1800/1050).]

"Three monsters on your side of the field." Gary Stu said. "**We can't have that. I attack your 'Skilled Dark Magician' with 'Maha Vailo'!**"

[Maha Vailo moves in to attack.]

"'Mirror Force', bitches!" Yami said.

"**Activate 'Seto Kaiba'!**"

"Not this time! Activate 'Magic Jammer'!"

[The magic card Seto Kaiba is negated and all of Gary Stu's monsters are taken out.]

"**No way!**"

"Yes way, and now that it's my turn, I sacrifice my three monsters to summon 'Slifer the Sky Dragon'!"

[Yami's monsters are sacrificed. Slifer (?/?) descends from the sky. Because Yami has two cards in his hand, it becomes (2000/2000).]

"So you summoned your God Card, **so what?**" Gary Stu said. "**That's not enough to beat me!**"

"Not yet." Yami smirked.

"**Huh? What are you talking about?**"

"I play the magic card 'Metaverse Unity'! This card allows me to draw upon the power of _Nightmare Troubadour: Abridged_'s reviewers and add it to my monster!"

[Slifer glows a brilliant gold as its ATK and DEF go off the charts!]

"**No! This isn't possible! This can't be happening!**"

"It's happening alright, and I'm ending you once and for all! I attack directly with 'Slifer the Sky Dragon'!"

[Slifer attacks Gary Stu, bringing his LP to 0.]

"Now, for the moment everyone, especially me, has been waiting for!" He extended his hand and clenched it into a fist. "_Mind Crush!_"

Gary Stu screamed and fell backwards. The dark fog completely vanished and the sunrise could now be seen. Everyone shook their heads and started questioning everything.

"Nyeh? What am I doing here?"

"What a nightmare…"

"I feel like I just woke up from a bad fanfiction."

"Is that Yugi and Johann down there?"

"Aw bugger! Did we miss an epic duel?"

"My breasts have no idea what's going on right now."

"My hair is just as puzzled."

"Did I take any drugs? If so, I'm staying the frig away from them!"

Yami approached Johann and looked down at him. Johann's hair and eyes were back to normal, though he looked like he was staring at nothing. He slowly blinked and said, "I…what the **** was I doing? I know I went all psycho-bonkers, but now…I can think clearly again. I…I don't get it. I just don't get anything anymore."

Ishizu stepped up onto the amphitheater and said, "It appears the Pharaoh destroyed the Gary Stu part of you. It also appears that all of your previous influence is gone." She looked at Yami and said, "You actually did it: you went against destiny and saved the universe. However, because of your actions, I foresee a worse future."

"What could be worse than the end of the universe?" He asked.

"Something worse than _Zexal_, that's all I can say."

Johann sat up. "I…I used to have a normal life, you know? I thought I could have fun playing Duel Monsters and maybe get some fame, but then all this crazy s*** happened. Yugi, how do you deal with all this insanity?"

"One day at a time," he answered, "one day at a time."

"I…I don't think I can keep up with all this. You guys might be able to handle it, but I can't." He removed his Duel Disk and threw it off to the side. "I quit. I'm sticking to normal games from now on."

"Go ahead, nobody's going to miss you."

Johann stood up and said, "You know what, I don't think I'll miss you guys either."

He was about to walk away when someone grabbed his shoulder and spun him back around. Glaring at him was Kaiba, who held a broken Duel Disk in his hand.

"You remember that fine you have to pay if you lose or damage that Duel Disk?" He asked. "Time to fork over $75,000."

"I—what?" Johann looked at the Duel Disk, then it hit him. "Oh s***! I forgot about the fine! I don't have that kind of money on me!"

"Then it looks like you're going to work if off. Welcome to KaibaCorp. You'll start today by cleaning all the bathrooms, then washing all the windows, including the skylight…"

He continued his list as he dragged Johann away. Mokuba followed behind him, saying, "And you have to buy me donuts every day!"

"Shut up, Mokuba."

"I suppose we'll return to Egypt." Ishizu said. She approached Odion and Marik and told them, "Let's go home."

"Actually," Marik said, "I think I'll stay here for a little longer. Fluffy and I have a lot of catching up to do."

"Alright, but come home soon."

"Take care of yourself, Master Marik." Odion said.

He and Ishizu left.

"Hey, Yug!" Joey called out. "How about you and me duel?"

"Sounds good to me, Joey." Yami said.

"Wait for me!" Tea called out.

The three of them left together.

_Well, we did it_, Yugi thought, _we saved the universe, and it looks like Johann is going to spend the rest of his life working for Kaiba. I can't think of a better ending than this._

_Just another day in the life of Batman._ Yami thought back.

…_You're not going to give that up, are you?_

No_ way, José._

* * *

**Well, that's it. That's the end. I might write bonuses for this story later on, but for now, it's the end.**

**Special thanks go to lalalei, AnimaniAshley, and Heaven's Eagle for all their reviews and support. Really, though, I thank everyone for reading this crazy story to the very end. I'd like to hear your final thoughts on this work. I'm also still considering writing more YGOTAS video game fanfictions, if anyone's still interested in reading them.**

**My one big wish right now is for LittleKuriboh himself to read this (despite how out of control it got) to let him know just how much of an impact he's had on everyone, and to thank him for making "Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series" and giving everyone a good laugh.**

Marik sat at his computer, looking up random things. Bakura sat on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

"So," Bakura said, "that's the end of the fanfic. What do you want to do now, Marik?"

"Well," Marik pointed at the computer, "you can explain to me what the frig this 'Stalkershipping' is all about."

Bakura groaned. "Oh, she did _not_ write a fanfic with me and Johann in it. You know I want nothing to do with that guy, right?"

"I know, but," Marik's nose began to bleed from the nostrils, "I have to admit that what you two are doing in it is pretty hot. I especially like the part where you—."

"_**Hey guys!**_"

Slenderman's sudden appearance made them jump and, in Marik's case, scream like a girl.

"What the frig are you doing here?!" He demanded.

"_**I would like to be in the fanfiction. Can I be in the fanfiction?**_"

"The fanfiction's over, Slenderman," Bakura said, "now go away."

"_**Aw, it's over already? But I didn't get to be in it…**_"

"Look, if you want to be in a fanfiction so badly, then go write your own."

"_**Okay. You'll read and review it, won't you?**_"

"Yeah." Bakura and Marik lied.

"_**Okay, I'm off to write my own fanfiction. Bye guys.**_"

Slenderman vanished.

"I hope the author doesn't include him in _The Sacred Cards: Abridged_." Marik muttered.


End file.
